Alberto’s Story
Freedom Date: 2006
TW: Physical Abuse
HOW DID YOU FIRST MEET YOUR ABUSIVE EX-PARTNER? WHAT ATTRACTED YOU IN THE BEGINNING?
We met through mutual friends’ neighborhood block party. There was always a lot of people, food, decorations and music. She was running in and out of my friend’s house with his wife to keep the food table full. I don’t remember being drawn to her, but I do remember thinking she needed to take a break and eat herself. So I made her a plate and asked her to sit for a bit. We got talking and became friends. A year or so later, we got married.
WHEN DID THE ABUSE BEGIN AND WHAT KIND OF ABUSE DID YOU EXPERIENCE? HOW DID IT DEVELOP OVER TIME?
It was almost three years until the marriage and we lived a happy and social life as a married couple. I just recently promoted and it came with a lot more money, but also some extra work hours. She started to question the work hours and accused me of cheating. We were often invited to company get togethers and after a few months she told me she didn’t like all the attention I was getting. That the job was going to make me not want her. I tried to explain that would never happen but she kept insisting that I was probably cheating with someone at work and not really working, and flat out demanded I quit to take a less important job. When I told her no because I worked hard for this promotion for almost a decade, she punished me in my nose. I think I was in shock as my nose bled on my shirt. I took it off and held my shirt to my nose and she said, “don’t make me do that again.”
Up until this point I had no idea she could be physically violent. After that incident, every night I’d come home from work we would argue, she would start name-calling and I’d start to leave the room. She would slap me, hit me, kick me, and scream at me saying things about how I wasn’t a man and I was hurting myself by making her hit me. If I ever said I was going to leave her, she would threaten to kill herself. This went on for a couple of years.
WHAT WAS THE TIPPING POINT FOR YOU? WHEN DID YOU DECIDE THAT YOU NEEDED TO BREAK OFF THE RELATIONSHIP?
I was made partner at the company and I was terrified to tell her. We had to move to a nearby city to be closer to the main location where I was being transferred. I didn’t know how to tell her, but did after getting off early to take her out on a date and buying her jewelry.
I was driving us home when we were talking about it and I remember thinking how good she took the news. About that moment she took her bottle of water and hit me right between the eyes. It broke my nose and I couldn’t see. I crashed into a telephone pole and a parked car. We weren’t going fast, so the airbags didn’t go off, and she kept hitting me in the head with the full bottle. I just covered my head and took it. I don’t know for how long. The next thing I remember is her being pulled out of the vehicle and being handcuffed. Witnesses had called 911 and stayed on the phone telling them how she was beating me. A stranger intervening gave me the courage to leave.
According to the doctor, after examining my bruises and head wounds, I had a severe concussion from her beating me and not the car accident.
HOW WAS THE PROCESS OF LEAVING THE ABUSE FOR YOU? WAS THERE ANYTHING DIFFICULT OR CONFUSING ABOUT THIS PROCESS?
I was ashamed of the abuse I lived with. I couldn’t imagine anyone caring about me being beat up by a woman who is smaller than me. Even with the marks and bruises, I’d make excuses to my friends and co-workers that I just play sports in my spare time and get injured. I even remember a time when I laughed it off once and said, “Are you even a man if you play football and don’t get hurt?” I was so caught up in hiding the truth I was trying to convince myself.
The hardest parts of leaving were no longer believing my own excuses and lies that it was okay, and having to accept that she may hurt herself if I left. But I knew I didn’t have to stay after it being witnessed by strangers and police.
HOW DID YOUR FRIENDS, FAMILY, AND COMMUNITY RESPOND TO YOU LEAVING THE RELATIONSHIP? WAS THERE ANYTHING PARTICULARLY HELPFUL - OR DIFFICULT - IN THESE RESPONSES?
Some of my friends made fun of me for being beat up by a little girl. Others were very supportive and understanding.
My family is Catholic and Puerto Rican - values, family, strong bond. I was terrified they would blame me or be mad about the divorce. But my mother hugged me, kissed my forehead and told me she was glad I was safe. They made sure I was at every family gathering to show support without outright talking about it.
HOW HAS YOUR JOURNEY TOWARDS HEALING DEVELOPED? WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO TELL FELLOW SURVIVORS?
My family was my savior in that they never left ne alone for long. Always including me in family events and calling every other day. Even after I remarried, they would show up at our house randomly to make sure things were okay. It was their way of being there to protect me.
Healing has taken a long time. I remarried five years later but looking back; I know I wasn’t healed yet. My wife, family; and Church helped me find peace soon after. I forgave her for what she did but have not had contact with her since that day.
Trust those who love you with your story as it is happening. They may not help you in a way you may expect, but they’ll find a way to help in their own way.
WHAT, IF ANYTHING, WOULD YOU LIKE TO TELL ADVOCATES ABOUT HELPING VICTIMS OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE?
If you see something happening that’s not right, say something. Be the strength for those who can’t themselves just yet.
Thank you to the bystanders for calling 911 that day.
HOW HAS SPEAK YOUR TRUTH TODAY AFFECTED YOUR JOURNEY OUT OF ABUSE AND TOWARDS HEALING?
Thank you for giving a voice to those who may feel peace, are free, but aren’t comfortable being public just yet. The option to be anonymous is a blessing.
IN YOUR OPINION, WHAT IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING FOR A SURVIVOR TO HEAR?
Nothing you did caused your abuse. No matter what you are told. You can have tons of annoying or difficult to live with traits, and none of them are reasons to be abused. No one has the right to abuse you.
