Hank’s Story
Freedom Date: 1974
TW: Child Abuse & witnessing abuse
THIS IS A STORY ABOUT CHILDHOOD DOMESTIC VIOLENCE.
WHEN DID THE ABUSE BEGIN AND WHAT KIND OF ABUSE DID YOU EXPERIENCE? HOW DID IT DEVELOP OVER TIME?
The abuse began about 5-6 years of age with witnessing my alcoholic father, verbally and physically assault my mother in our home. I was the oldest of five children and witnessed it all.
One of the verbal incidents that I vividly recall is when my mother was preparing dinner like she did every night. We were all waiting for my father to come home from work, but for some reason he was quite late. The kids had already eaten, and my mother waited to have dinner with him. He didn’t call, he just showed up.
He came through the door in an obvious bad mood. Told us to go in the living room to watch television and he sat in the dining room. My mother reheated his dinner and brought it out to him. Out of nowhere he exploded and yelled at her. All my younger siblings started to cry. It was terrifying for them. He was so upset he threw the food across the room and broke the porcelain plate. She started to clean it up and he left the house – looking back I think he probably left because he knew it would escalate into a physical attack upon her. Several hours later, when he calmly returned, he asked my mother to fix him something to eat, and she did without any hesitation or discussion. Nothing was ever said to me about this incident, ever. Over the years these explosive episodes would continue, from time to time, much to our distress and terror.
One of the most traumatic incidents that comes to mind is when I was a teenager around 14 or 15. While my mom, siblings, and I were in the living room, an argument started between my parents. My father grabbed my mother by the arm and pulled her into the bedroom and slammed the door. We could all hear him verbally assaulting her. I was trying to comfort my younger siblings – telling them to watch TV and it would be okay, but they were terrified and began crying. The next thing I remember is hearing the thuds of strikes / hitting and her visceral response to the hits.
When I heard the loud thump against the bedroom door, I ran over, swung the door open to tell him to stop it – I had never confronted him while he was in a rage but we had witnessed enough. I saw that he was on top of her, she was lying on her back on the bed, he was about to hit her again. In my overwhelming rage, I picked up a Hoover vacuum cleaner, the original heavier model and was going to hit him in the head. My mother saw me and screamed, “NO!” ...I dropped it. He saw me drop it, got up from her, came over to me, got right in my face and said, “You better make this your best shot cause you’re never going to use your arms again.” Mom got off the bed and with tears streaming down her face, managed to get in between the two of us and asked me to leave the room. She told me they were just talking and that she was ok. I reluctantly left and they closed the door behind me. I remember standing in the living room with my siblings holding on to me. I was at a loss for words and we stood in silence until mom came out and hugged us all. Dad stayed in the bedroom and went to sleep.
My Dad’s outbursts were unprovoked and sudden.
As the oldest child witness, as I grew into adolescence, I became the target of his verbal and physical assaults, in addition to those attacks upon my mother.
WHAT WAS YOUR ASSOCIATION AFTER YOUR CHILDHOOD? DID THE ABUSE CONTINUE ONCE YOU LEFT?
It wasn't something I decided to do but happened after I graduated High school and went off to college. The domestic violence continued. I learned of my younger sister’s similar assault experiences years after when we were adults. She read my book and told me, “When you left for college, he turned all that rage and anger on me.”
I never cut off contact. I just went on with academic life. I regularly went home to visit with my mom and my siblings. I remained civil and distant with my father, which seemed to suit him just fine.
I don’t remember ever loving him because of the abuse and trauma he put us through.
HOW WAS THE PROCESS OF LEAVING THE ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP FOR YOU? WAS THERE ANYTHING DIFFICULT OR CONFUSING ABOUT THE PROCESS?
I felt I was abandoning my siblings and mother, felt relief, guilt, and fear. My mother and siblings never mentioned how bad their experiences continued after I left for college, but it did.
HOW DID YOUR FRIENDS, FAMILY, AND COMMUNITY RESPOND TO YOU LEAVING THE RELATIONSHIP? WAS THERE ANYTHING PARTICULARLY HELPFUL - OR DIFFICULT - IN THESE RESPONSES?
Immediate family members, uncles, and aunts were all aware of the assaults and danger we were experiencing but never confronted or stopped it. He would abuse her in front of them. Their own alcoholism issues played a huge part in their lack of willingness to help or confront my father, his personality was terrifying when under the influence of alcohol.
HOW HAS YOUR JOURNEY TOWARDS HEALING DEVELOPED? WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO TELL FELLOW SURVIVORS?
When you’ve had enough abuse, find your way to a safe place or person, stop covering up what's happened as soon as you are strong enough, speak your truth, get into an appropriate therapy or support group and tell someone who your abuser is/was.
WHAT, IF ANYTHING, WOULD YOU LIKE TO TELL ADVOCATES ABOUT HELPING VICTIMS OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE?
Asking for help is not admitting you failed but a lifesaving necessity! If you don't look for help, it may not come. If you stay silent about your abuser’s behavior, or if you don't recognize destructive/dangerous behavior (red flags), you will continue being victimized.
Police officers who came to the house multiple times and saw the distress, were not in any position to arrest him and take him away. So many cases of abuse end in the deaths of children. DCF witnessed it but it seemed like their hands were also tied. Children are horrendously killed by domestic abusers after professionals and advocates investigate an “incident”. Is the system broken? We need to figure out how to give the professionals and advocates the power to help and make common sense decisions for the safety of the child(ren).
HOW HAS SPEAK YOUR TRUTH TODAY AFFECTED YOUR JOURNEY OUT OF ABUSE AND TOWARDS HEALING?
Provides a safe, important social media platform to break the silence and release the assault baggage.
I believe there are untold numbers of domestic abuse witnesses, as children, who have yet to be counted as survivors. SYTT will now be a pioneer organization drawing attention to our unknown and uncounted statistics.
ARE THERE ANY RESOURCES THAT WERE PARTICULARLY HELPFUL THROUGHOUT THE PROCESS?
A confident relationship with a therapist and participating in self help support groups.
At the time of my childhood domestic violence experience, there weren’t as many resources. So, I became one – through www.HankEstrada.com.
IN YOUR OPINION, WHAT IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING FOR A SURVIVOR TO HEAR?
When you’ve had enough abuse, find your way to a safe place or person, get into an appropriate therapy/support group, speak your truth. Start working on accepting that you are a survivor, and not going to be a victim anymore!
