Gena’s Story
This picture of me was taken as I was fleeing my abuser. I stopped for a trip he’d promised me last summer, and took it anyway, because he said, “I wasn’t good enough!” Well, I gave myself that trip, because “I am good enough and deserve everything!!!”
HOW DID YOU FIRST MEET YOUR ABUSIVE EX-PARTNER? WHAT ATTRACTED YOU IN THE BEGINNING?
We met online and spent a lot of time chatting and getting to know each other. We learned that we were both missing things in our lives and felt we could offer them to each other in a relationship. It was his promises that I fell for.
WHEN DID THE ABUSE BEGIN AND WHAT KIND OF ABUSE DID YOU EXPERIENCE? HOW DID IT DEVELOP OVER TIME?
The abuse was gradual – which makes it difficult to realize I was being abused. It started with him picking on me for how I would do something or the way I’d express myself, specifically when I expressed concerns or unhappiness. He then began to twist my words to make everything appear to be my fault. I was constantly apologizing for every single occurrence, even when he would blow up, it was my fault. He would throw items constantly, yell, tell me how worthless I am. It eventually escalated to where nothing was off limits – abusing me verbally, emotionally, sexually, and physically.
WHAT WAS THE TIPPING POINT FOR YOU? WHEN DID YOU DECIDE THAT YOU NEEDED TO BREAK OFF THE RELATIONSHIP?
It was after the first time he’d put his hands on me in an abusive way over Thanksgiving weekend. I confided in a friend about the incident. So many people could have just ignored what I shared or made excuses for the abuser, but my friend acted on what I told her by sending me a book on controlling behavior. As an abuse survivor herself, she began planting seeds that I needed to leave – all while supporting me! She even provided me with resources on how to get out in an emergency. I was unsure how I could leave. How could I do it on my own? I was 2700 miles from the life I left. Estranged from most of my family.
HOW WAS THE PROCESS OF LEAVING THE ABUSE FOR YOU? WAS THERE ANYTHING DIFFICULT OR CONFUSING ABOUT THIS PROCESS?
On March 20, 2022, he put his hands on me for the last time. I called 911! The next day I had a restraining order in place. Afterwards, though, I felt like those may have been the ‘easier steps’ in the process Over the coming weeks I missed him. Missed who I thought he was.
The aftermath of leaving an abusive relationship is scary and can seem unattainable. Having to start over while healing made me think at times that it would have been easier to have stayed with him than to have gone through the process of leaving him. I had to move across the country and was angry about everything he took from me.
However, I was reminded over and over that when I found freedom, I’d find peace and happiness.
HOW DID YOUR FRIENDS, FAMILY, AND COMMUNITY RESPOND TO YOU LEAVING THE RELATIONSHIP? WAS THERE ANYTHING PARTICULARLY HELPFUL - OR DIFFICULT - IN THESE RESPONSES?
There were many fractured relationships because of him and his behavior.
He was in the military, and I moved 2700 miles to join him at his duty station, leaving everything and everyone I knew behind.
So many people alienated me during my relationship with him. Those that hadn’t, were happy and relieved I was free of the abuse. They would listen or just allow me to be with them when I needed a friend. This act is incredibly helpful and supportive in a way we often forget to appreciate. The most amazing support came through people encouraging me to do the things I wasn’t allowed to do while in my abusive relationship. They cheered me on and wanted me to find myself.
HOW HAS YOUR JOURNEY TOWARDS HEALING DEVELOPED?
I absolutely love my life. I’m thankful I didn’t go back! Each day I discover more happiness! I have been in counseling. I have an incredible support system in my new community. I have panic attacks, I worry about water spilling on the floor, or when I can get up to use the restroom. I worry when I don’t have a vehicle. Luckily, I am surrounded with people that know how to work with me when I am triggered. When I can’t move or ask for a drink of water. I know that the people around me want me to continue on my healing journey and allow me to cry when I need to cry, or be alone when I need to be alone.
WHAT, IF ANYTHING, WOULD YOU LIKE TO TELL ADVOCATES ABOUT HELPING VICTIMS OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE?
Listen. Affirm. Accept the story and don’t accuse the victim. I had one housing advocate ask why I hadn’t saved more money when I was in this relationship. I had the social worker with the military accuse me of setting him off. These are the people that work with abuse victims that have no idea that in the weeks after getting out, us victims are hard enough on ourselves, without their accusations.
HOW HAS SPEAK YOUR TRUTH TODAY AFFECTED YOUR JOURNEY OUT OF ABUSE AND TOWARDS HEALING?
It is nice to have a place to be heard!
ARE THERE ANY RESOURCES THAT WERE PARTICULARLY HELPFUL THROUGHOUT THE PROCESS?
I’m an avid reader and the book that helped me the most in the first few weeks by opening my eyes was “Why Does He Do That? INSIDE THE MINDS OF ANGRY AND CONTROLLING MEN” by Lundy Bancroft.
IN YOUR OPINION, WHAT IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING FOR A SURVIVOR TO HEAR?
You are stronger than you think!
Each day and each mile away from your abuser will bring you more joy than you ever thought possible!
The sun shines brightly on the freedom side!
