Michel’s Story
Freedom Date: 2009
HOW DID YOU FIRST MEET YOUR ABUSIVE EX-PARTNER? WHAT ATTRACTED YOU IN THE BEGINNING?
I had just moved to a more transgender friendly city to begin my transition. At the time, I only knew a couple of people and they convinced me to join them at their work party. It would be the first social gathering I attended as Michel (pronounced Michelle) and not Michael. I noticed him immediately. He was captivating and he lit up the room. I couldn’t help but watch him and was excited that he was watching me as well. After an hour or so of flirting from across the room, he finally approached me. He was even taller than he appeared, with a dark skin tone and deep voice. I was instantly drawn in as he spoke.
WHEN DID THE ABUSE BEGIN AND WHAT KIND OF ABUSE DID YOU EXPERIENCE? HOW DID IT DEVELOP OVER TIME?
In the moment it seemed like a switch flipped. Not gradual at all. Almost as if he became a different person overnight. It was all I dream of while dating and living separately, seeing each other when our scheduled allowed.
We finally decided to move in together after a year – me moving into his place. Almost instantly his behavior changed. He didn’t want me to leave his apartment, alone or with him. He didn’t want me answering his phone or door. At the time I thought he was concerned for my safety. Being protective of me during my transition.
I respected each of his requests. Except once. I wasn’t thinking clearly, and the doorbell rang while I was in the shower. I hopped out, put a robe on, and answered the door. Two men were on the other side and asked if he was at home. I said no, but I could let him know they stopped by. It was an innocent moment. Until later that night when he got home. He stormed in the door angrily, pushed me against the wall with his hand on my throat and yelled at me, “do you know what you have done?” I couldn’t understand what he meant. He was hurting me and wouldn’t stop yelling, “They think I’m gay! That I like dudes!” It was in that moment I realized that the mistake I made by answering the door.
That was the first time he put his hands on me. It wasn’t the last. The emotional abuse continued as well. When he was angry, he would call me Michael instead of Michel. He would make rude comments about me not really being a woman so I shouldn’t be as sensitive as one. He would tell me that my family and friends from my hometown would never accept me and he was the only one who would.
WHAT WAS THE TIPPING POINT FOR YOU? WHEN DID YOU DECIDE THAT YOU NEEDED TO BREAK OFF THE RELATIONSHIP?
It had been months and I hadn’t left home – not to grocery shop, go to the bank, or visit friends. He kept me locked away like a dirty little secret. Although I didn’t think of it that way at the time. Hindsight, right? I woke up one morning after he went to work and wanted to get out, so I went to the local coffee shop. I chatted with other customers and had a lovely time for that hour.
He came home for lunch that day, something he never did. Angry. Puffed up. A look in his eyes that I can only say seemed devoid of feeling. He tossed me on the floor and raped me, violently, leaving marks and bruises on much of my body. Then he began to choke me while screaming at me for flirting with his friend at the coffee shop. In that moment, I thought I was going to die.
Fate intervened. The doorbell rang. The sound must have snapped him out of his trance of hate. I didn’t even take time to catch my breath. I grabbed my purse and ran out the door. I never looked back.
HOW WAS THE PROCESS OF LEAVING THE ABUSE FOR YOU? WAS THERE ANYTHING DIFFICULT OR CONFUSING ABOUT THIS PROCESS?
Having endured months of physical and psychological abuse, I thought I would be helped by the domestic violence community. I was mistaken. I went to a battered woman’s shelter in my community hoping to have a place to stay that night and figure out my next steps. But I wasn’t welcomed with open, empathic arms.
Instead, I was stared at, with a question that haunted me for years after – “do you have a penis between your legs?” Followed by, “you are a man so you cannot stay here”.
All of the visible bruises and marks on my body meant nothing to these people. I was not one of them by birth, so I was not offered help.
I left, panicked. I drew every ounce of courage I had in my soul and called home. To a mother who welcomed me back immediately. Paying for my bus ticket and medical treatment. I lived with her until her passing a few years later.
HOW DID YOUR FRIENDS, FAMILY, AND COMMUNITY RESPOND TO YOU LEAVING THE RELATIONSHIP? WAS THERE ANYTHING PARTICULARLY HELPFUL - OR DIFFICULT - IN THESE RESPONSES?
I never told my friends about what happened to me for fear of hearing comments like, “you knew this would happen to you if you transitioned,” or, “maybe he was mad that you weren’t actually a woman.” Although I learned later, after I fully transitioned, they probably wouldn’t have made those comments because most of them were supportive of me.
My mother was sent from Heaven. Without her, I may have returned to my abuser for fear of not having anywhere else to go.
HOW HAS YOUR JOURNEY TOWARDS HEALING DEVELOPED? WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO TELL FELLOW SURVIVORS?
Long. Exhausting. Necessary.
I wasn’t only a battered woman; I was a battered trans woman. I had so many other thoughts in my mind of why the abuse happened to me and for a long time I really thought being trans was the cause of my abuse. My mother encouraged me to go to counseling and join a support group for others like me. I went through multiple counselors in the beginning to find one who supported me and didn’t judge my lifestyle. Once I found this advocate, I knew I’d be okay.
To my other trans survivors, I’d like to say “You did not deserve to be abused. You did not cause it or trigger something in your abusive ex. They are the only one responsible for the abuse. Focus on yourself and your happiness, do not waste any more time thinking about them.”
WHAT, IF ANYTHING, WOULD YOU LIKE TO TELL ADVOCATES ABOUT HELPING VICTIMS OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE?
No matter their background, sexual orientation, gender, lifestyle, just support them. Believe them. Be there for them. Being abused is hard enough. Don’t make it any harder if you care about the person.
HOW HAS SPEAK YOUR TRUTH TODAY AFFECTED YOUR JOURNEY OUT OF ABUSE AND TOWARDS HEALING?
My healing journey started years before, but after joining SYTT a month ago, I realized I have more room to heal and grow. I have not had the courage to post or even offer my real name in the group. But, I am there, watching and being inspired daily.
IN YOUR OPINION, WHAT IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING FOR A SURVIVOR TO HEAR?
It is not okay what was done to you. Find your one ally and live free of abuse. It may be hard, but life can be good!
