Kate’s Story
Freedom Date: June 12, 2018
HOW DID YOU FIRST MEET YOUR ABUSIVE EX-PARTNER? WHAT ATTRACTED YOU IN THE BEGINNING?
A mutual friend introduced us. He was witty and charming and pursued me. He professed to love God and his daughter. He was solid in his career. Everyone liked him.
WHEN DID THE ABUSE BEGIN AND WHAT KIND OF ABUSE DID YOU EXPERIENCE? HOW DID IT DEVELOP OVER TIME?
There were some episodes of rage before we married, mostly directed at his daughter, but things really changed after the wedding. It was like living with two different men at different times. He would love-bomb me and say nothing was more important to him than the marriage. Then later the same day he could turn to berating me, calling me every despicable thing in the book and threatening me physically. He would get angry while driving and drive recklessly, stop the vehicle and try to pull me out of the car by my hair and threaten to leave me on the side of the road. He pulled my hair, bit at my face, grabbed handfuls of the skin on my inner thigh in "monkey bites," threatening to hurt me in ways that wouldn't show if I reported him. He also offered to help me kill myself and threatened to commit suicide.
WHAT WAS THE TIPPING POINT FOR YOU? WHEN DID YOU DECIDE THAT YOU NEEDED TO BREAK OFF THE RELATIONSHIP?
We were in marriage counseling for a long time and finally one therapist pulled me aside and let me know they were concerned for my safety. What they witnessed in our sessions was mild compared to what I experienced behind closed doors. They also identified that he was living with mental illness. Having their third-party perspective and a diagnosis helped me realize I wasn't just imagining the abuse and there were deeper issues than problems with communication in our marriage.
HOW WAS THE PROCESS OF LEAVING THE ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP FOR YOU? WAS THERE ANYTHING DIFFICULT OR CONFUSING ABOUT THE PROCESS?
I thought about leaving many times in the years we were married but kept deciding to give it another chance because I loved him and we were both Christians who believed in the sanctity of marriage. He would tell me he loved me and that the reason he got so angry was that he cared so much about our marriage. When I finally decided to leave, it was after a period of many months. I had compiled research about domestic violence in a file at work. I made lists of the things he did and said and that evidence outweighed the lies he was feeding me. When I felt confused, I would pull out the file and comb through the research and re-read in my own handwriting of what I'd experienced. This helped me gain clarity about my choices. I eventually realized the only viable option was divorce because if I stayed I was probably going to die, either from stress, suicide, or homicide.
HOW DID YOUR FRIENDS, FAMILY, AND COMMUNITY RESPOND TO YOU LEAVING THE RELATIONSHIP? WAS THERE ANYTHING PARTICULARLY HELPFUL - OR DIFFICULT - IN THESE RESPONSES?
My family, friends and community were very supportive of me leaving. They begged me to get out early on. I expected more resistance, but the only objections came from him. Having Christian friends reiterate that God does not approve of domestic violence and that His heart is for those who are abused was very important. Abusive husbands like to use language about submission and forgiveness, and while these are Biblical terms, they are misapplied in abusive marriages. Thankfully, no one in my circles was hammering these terms on my situation.
HOW HAS YOUR JOURNEY TOWARDS HEALING DEVELOPED? WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO TELL FELLOW SURVIVORS?
It's almost been five years, and I'm living in post-traumatic growth today, working toward my professional and personal goals. Life is good! Go to therapy. If you don't have kids, get a pet who will need you and give you a reason to get up in the morning (dogs are especially good!). Find safe people to spend time with. Find a hobby that you enjoy. Go for long walks (some research has found activities with rhythmic motion can help process trauma). Journal about the trauma. Journal about the things you are doing now that seem to be helping. Don't be hard on yourself if you don't feel better right away, just keep doing the next healthy thing. Keep promises to yourself. Set a goal you care about and work toward it.
WHAT, IF ANYTHING, WOULD YOU LIKE TO TELL ADVOCATES ABOUT HELPING VICTIMS OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE?
You cannot make the choices for the victim, but you can help them see they have choices. Gaslighting is real and a victim can feel paralyzed and bereft of choice. Having people who recognize that they still maintain some locus of control is vital. Get them to ask "what next?" not "why is this happening to me?" (Eger, 2017)
HOW HAS SPEAK YOUR TRUTH TODAY AFFECTED YOUR JOURNEY OUT OF ABUSE AND TOWARDS HEALING?
It let me know I was not alone.
ARE THERE ANY RESOURCES THAT WERE PARTICULARLY HELPFUL THROUGHOUT THE PROCESS?
As a Christian, it was very important for me to have a theological understanding of domestic violence. Christian women are more likely to stay in abusive marriages because of naive theology about submission and forgiveness. Catherine Clark Kroeger and Nancy Nason-Clark's excellent book, No Place for Abuse: Biblical and Practical Resources to Counteract Domestic Violence (revised in 2010), was HUGE in re-informing my perspectives. It might have saved my life.
IN YOUR OPINION, WHAT IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING FOR A SURVIVOR TO HEAR?
You are not alone and the abuse is not your fault. God does not approve of abuse.
