Kathi’s Story

Freedom Date: 2006

HOW DID YOU FIRST MEET YOUR ABUSIVE EX-PARTNER? WHAT ATTRACTED YOU IN THE BEGINNING? 

My father left when I was 4, (I’ve always had the feeling, my mother had me to save a struggling marriage.) They were married for 10 years. My father remarried 9 months later. My mother remarried a year and a half later. He was abusive to all of us.  Although I don’t remember much of my childhood.  I do have specific memories of their abuse that I now realize, I would have had to have been there for the memory to exist. (My stepfather died 2 and a half years ago and it has stirred up a lot in each of us, except my mother of course who does not acknowledge abuse except of my oldest brother). My stepfather’s father was also abusive (His family has a history of physical and sexual abuse, as did my stepgrandmother’s family). My mother was focused on my stepfather’s care and her marriage. I think she was trying to survive but we were used as tools. Sent into inappropriate situations.  As a girl, I definitely was used.

 A friend of my brothers was inappropriate toward me during childhood and he stalked me when I moved out at 18.  He’d show up randomly wherever I moved to.

I had an inappropriate gym teacher.  Made inappropriate comments to a lot of girls.  For me specifically, he made comments about my weight, size of my butt, physical appearance and condition, etc.  I had him as a teacher several times from middle school through high school.

In my forties, I was egged while running, they video taped it.  The 5 teenagers stalked me for weeks, before and especially after the incident and my reporting of it.

Also during my 40’s, trying to work on intimacy and reproductive issues. A female gynecologist that said.  “What do you want me to do?” I said through tears, “ I want you to help me.” I also had a male gynecologist that was very inappropriate. I blocked out the memory but the way I felt physically remains. I know that other women said something about him. And all I could think was why did you accept that? Why didn’t they say or do anything???

I worked for a manipulative, sexually inappropriate boss for 10 years before I was able to quit.  In addition to this experience, he hired a narcissistic older woman under me. She resented me as a supervisor and human being and spent the next 7 years taking any quality I’d shared of myself, any piece of me, that I was proud of and destroying it while gaining the approval and support from my boss and  coworkers. His wife works as a treasurer for the township my husband is a police officer in.  He would communicate things to her and she to him and it would be shared in the community. I kept trying to do and be better until I doubted my sanity. By the time I quit, I was an emotional and physical wreck..

To say, I have had unhealthy relationships in jobs, dating, and friendships would be an understatement.

WHEN DID THE ABUSE BEGIN AND WHAT KIND OF ABUSE DID YOU EXPERIENCE? HOW DID IT DEVELOP OVER TIME? 

From the very beginning around five or six years old, my 3 brothers and I were physically and verbally abused. I recently have discovered and reflected that there may have been sexual abuse as well. (Supported by a report from a doctor post surgery for hysterectomy. Also various health issues beginning in early childhood -migraines, IBS, chronic fatigue/fibromyalgia and a lot of reproductive issues and difficulty with intimacy). The trauma has impacted my memory so I don’t have complete memories of childhood.

There were different rules for brothers and for me.  They had to perform as men from a very early age (10, 9, 6) and I had to perform as a woman from an early age. I feel like my mother used me as a tool and sent me into situations I should have never been sent into. Some of which include being forced to sit on older relatives’ laps, forced to be kind to my abusive step father, who would watch tv in his underwear and I would have to sit with him under a blanket. He would be abusive to my mother, brothers and me and I’d have to enter back into the situation and be kind and loving.  To always say good morning with a smile and good night, I Love You, etc. 

The abuse makes it difficult to actively choose healthy relationships throughout my life, I have learned to tolerate different things. Intimacy of any kind is becoming more and more difficult.

WHAT WAS THE TIPPING POINT FOR YOU? WHEN DID YOU DECIDE THAT YOU NEEDED TO BREAK OFF THE RELATIONSHIP? 

There was no specific tipping point but I can recall at thirteen, I remembered telling my mom that I am going to be as good as I can be, I didn’t want to ruin what she had.  I knew she needed to stay with him. I started planning to move out once I turn eighteen. I did not tell anyone of my plan. I knew if I stayed, I would kill myself. Slowly I got a plan together, brought a car, learned to drive, and moved in with my grandma within a couple months after graduation. I was raised Christian and the narrative of being a “good girl” was very present. At that time I was still under that mindset and it was suggested I address my abuser, which I tried to many times and it didn’t go well.

I met my husband at 27. When he said he loved me that was it. I finally felt love. It is still not completely healthy but it has gotten better. I started counseling for myself and learned a lot along the way. I stayed with this therapist on and off for twenty years, and felt safe. Not until the last few years have I learned that it doesn’t matter who in your life is toxic, it is okay to step away and distance yourself. Even if it is family. Setting boundaries is important. So is doing what is best for me.

HOW WAS THE PROCESS OF LEAVING THE ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP FOR YOU? WAS THERE ANYTHING DIFFICULT OR CONFUSING ABOUT THE PROCESS? 

All of it was difficult, confusing, and gut wrenching. To create a safe space for myself is and has been difficult. I feel as though I try to communicate but no one hears or listens. So many relationships in my life feel that way. So often, I do not feel different than I did when I was a child. My inner child makes me sad. The trauma has impacted me physically too. I battle chronic fatigue, migraines, and other health related consequences. So many people don’t know or don’t care what is going on. No one can help me. When I feel better, I think I am on the right side of things and then my health will decline. At 51, my chronic fatigue and migraines got dramatically worse.  Again, I reached out to traditional medicine and was dismissed.  I’ve had a lifetime of physicians treating me as though it's all in my head but want to prescribe a list of drugs with side effects that impact daily life. I have been really working on being my own advocate. Tough thing to learn for a shy quiet person. I want to be able to get to the root cause of it all.

As a girl, I was not allowed to run when I lived at home.  As soon as I moved out, I started running. It has been how I cope. I love running. It's an outlet and helps self confidence wise. It also helps me battle an eating disorder and self destructive habits. Socially, races bring people together. The last 3 years have been hell, my health has impacted my ability to run and train appropriately for my self worth and the goals I set for myself. It is part of who I am.  I will keep fighting and looking for help through holistic means until I figure it out. I want the rest of my life to be the best of my life.

HOW DID YOUR FRIENDS, FAMILY, AND COMMUNITY RESPOND TO YOU LEAVING THE RELATIONSHIP? WAS THERE ANYTHING PARTICULARLY HELPFUL - OR DIFFICULT - IN THESE RESPONSES?

Not a lot of people in my life knew what was going on. I have mostly moved along this journey alone, which is likely why it has taken some time. Courage takes a lot of time to build up. I had a guidance counselor who found out from one of my friends that something may be going on at home, so she pulled me out of class to say that several people had notified her with concern. I knew she wasn’t telling the truth because I only told one person. I knew from several years of high school with this counselor that I couldn’t trust her. She threatened me by saying she could take it to the school board.  That I was 18 and I’d have to stand alone, essentially, against my family. I told her she could discuss it with my mother and I got up and left.  My mother then asked me how I could do this to her. Around the same time, I went to a youth pastor who said I need to confront my parents , again, before I move out. I did. It didn’t go well. I moved out with not much of a support system. Years later I was laid off and broke up with a controlling fiance around the same time. Began over again. Broken finances and broken heart.  I have found that I haven’t had the courage to stand up for myself like that since. Feeling responsible for someone’s heart and the breaking of it is so hard, even when it may be what is best for me.

HOW HAS YOUR JOURNEY TOWARDS HEALING DEVELOPED? WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO TELL FELLOW SURVIVORS? 

With all of the family stuff that has stirred since my stepfather's death over 2 years ago and especially within the last three years of health issues, I realize how important dealing with all of it is. It is not going to go anywhere. I hate the expressions move on or get on, because it just doesn’t. The hurt you endured is part of you. I have a choice on what to do with it. I want to make something positive out of it. I have been working on how to express myself and share what is going on and what I went through and find safe people to grow in my community. Health makes me realize how important it is to be open about stuff and get it out because it sits in me and eats everything up. Take care of you. Realize how important each of you are, as an individual. I was able to participate in national movement events to support my personal healing. I took part in the Clothesline Project with the Crime Victim’s Center and then again with the Monument Quilt in DC.

WHAT, IF ANYTHING, WOULD YOU LIKE TO TELL ADVOCATES ABOUT HELPING VICTIMS OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE?

For advocates, creating a safe place is vital. Empathy and compassion are a must. A safe space is not really about a room, it is being able to see someone’s heart and knowing you are safe. Do not under any circumstance use a survivor's voice for personal gain or political agenda.

HOW HAS SPEAK YOUR TRUTH TODAY AFFECTED YOUR JOURNEY OUT OF ABUSE AND TOWARDS HEALING? 

I am inspired and encouraged by the stories of the beautiful strong amazing women. My journey is ongoing and working to get to a safe place.

ARE THERE ANY RESOURCES THAT WERE PARTICULARLY HELPFUL THROUGHOUT THE PROCESS? 

I received help through a local crime victim’s center. There are so many resources to search through and it can be hard to know where to go. A good friend encouraged me to talk with a counselor and  also found the one that started me on my journey.  Since my counselor left the practice, I haven’t found the courage to trust my life’s story to anyone else.

IN YOUR OPINION, WHAT IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING FOR A SURVIVOR TO HEAR?

I believe you. You are not alone. You are worthy. You are loved.

I still have a long way to go in my healing journey. But I keep showing up and trying…