Lynne’s Story

Freedom Date: November 12, 2021

TW: Assault & suicidal ideation

HOW DID YOU FIRST MEET YOUR ABUSIVE EX-PARTNER? WHAT ATTRACTED YOU IN THE BEGINNING? 

I met my boyfriend through Friends Reunited – which was around before Facebook and dating apps. 

He was living and working in Newcastle, and I was in Edinburgh.

I fell head over heels in love! He was funny, a great cook and we both enjoyed cycling and going to the gym.

I thought I had met my perfect partner.

WHEN DID THE ABUSE BEGIN AND WHAT KIND OF ABUSE DID YOU EXPERIENCE? HOW DID IT DEVELOP OVER TIME? 

We were together for 12 years and I believe the abuse started slowly after the five-year mark. 

The abuse took on many forms – initially the silent treatment, the put downs and name-calling, and removing all forms of intimacy.

I did not view these behaviors as abuse at the time. I thought our relationship had gone cold and we should end things. I never thought that I was in an abusive relationship.

The changes were ever so subtle. He was a very, very, clever manipulator.

WHAT WAS THE TIPPING POINT FOR YOU? WHEN DID YOU DECIDE THAT YOU NEEDED TO BREAK OFF THE RELATIONSHIP? 

There were two things that happened just before we broke up that made me realize how cruelly I was being treated.

I had a biopsy for cervical cancer and was worried about my health. When I told my partner, he laughed and said, “Just get it cut out.”

When I asked him to leave my flat, he demanded £4k from me and said he would not leave until I paid him.

I told him to F*** right off!

He assaulted me, kicked my phone around the flat and tried to choke me. He did not want to hurt me but did want to terrorize me.

HOW WAS THE PROCESS OF LEAVING THE ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP FOR YOU? WAS THERE ANYTHING DIFFICULT OR CONFUSING ABOUT THE PROCESS? 

I was numb and in shock. On the day he left, he assaulted me. After the assault, he calmly went to the bedroom cupboard and took out a packed rucksack.

He had all his things ready!!

The betrayal from the emotional and physical abuse left me in pieces. Everything he had done had been a lie. My mental health has suffered massively with periods where I wanted to end my life.

Knowing that someone you loved with all your heart and soul had set out to cause you maximum pain and suffering is difficult to accept.

It still haunts me and may always.

HOW DID YOUR FRIENDS, FAMILY, AND COMMUNITY RESPOND TO YOU LEAVING THE RELATIONSHIP? WAS THERE ANYTHING PARTICULARLY HELPFUL - OR DIFFICULT - IN THESE RESPONSES?

I was lucky to have a very supportive son and brother who, to be fair, predicted the violent behavior from my partner.

At the time I believed he would not be violent.

Friends and colleagues have been less supportive. When physical violence was mentioned, the response was “take care”, when I really wanted someone to listen to me and what I had experienced.

HOW HAS YOUR JOURNEY TOWARDS HEALING DEVELOPED? WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO TELL FELLOW SURVIVORS? 

Each story and experience are unique and that makes it difficult to give advice.

For me, having therapy helped me better understand the unhealthy relationship I was in and how to recognize dangerous forms of behavior in my relationships.

Understanding your own worth and setting boundaries has also helped me immensely.

I am also sharing my story here and elsewhere.

I refuse to remain silent.

WHAT, IF ANYTHING, WOULD YOU LIKE TO TELL ADVOCATES ABOUT HELPING VICTIMS OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE?

Victims of domestic abuse can hold a lot of shame over what they have experienced. I was at war with myself and would have loved to be able to tell my story without judgement. The need to be validated is immense.

Advocates just need to listen. Not necessarily respond. Just listen.

HOW HAS SPEAK YOUR TRUTH TODAY AFFECTED YOUR JOURNEY OUT OF ABUSE AND TOWARDS HEALING? 

Being able to hear other stories has been incredibly helpful. You can see similarities with your own experience. And it gives hope.

Hope that there is a way out of abuse and healthy and happy relationships are possible even when you have experienced the most unspeakable abuse.

ARE THERE ANY RESOURCES THAT WERE PARTICULARLY HELPFUL THROUGHOUT THIS PROCESS? LET’S SHOUT THEM OUT!

Edinburgh Rape Crisis Centre has been enormously helpful tome on many, many occasions.

IN YOUR OPINION, WHAT IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING FOR A SURVIVOR TO HEAR?

There is hope. Your past does not define you.