Patricia’s Story
Freedom Date: March 16, 2021
HOW DID YOU FIRST MEET YOUR ABUSIVE EX-PARTNER? WHAT ATTRACTED YOU IN THE BEGINNING?
He was my next door neighbor and we met because he went to jail and I took care of his dog. I was attracted to his looks, his charisma and it seemed at the time that our values were very similar. I felt bad for him. It seemed like he had been a victim of his ex wife.
WHEN DID THE ABUSE BEGIN AND WHAT KIND OF ABUSE DID YOU EXPERIENCE? HOW DID IT DEVELOP OVER TIME?
The verbal and emotional abuse started occurring a few months in, we were both heavy drinkers so I didn't realize how much it was escalating and always blamed myself. The physical abuse started about 6 months in, he slammed my finger in a door while I was trying to follow him. By the time we were together for a year, I was being punched, kneed, elbowed, kicked, slapped, etc. I suffered extreme abuse, including the stuff I already listed as well as it escalating to being held under water, having a hot iron held to my back, he would feed my dinners to the dog because I didn't deserve them, threatened to kill the children, and he would take my phone and debit cards and hide them. I went through very intense abuse, along with the physical there was emotional, verbal, and every other kind.
WHAT WAS THE TIPPING POINT FOR YOU? WHEN DID YOU DECIDE THAT YOU NEEDED TO BREAK OFF THE RELATIONSHIP?
I left for good the 10th time of leaving. Our choices, his abuse and other things had caused my children to be put into foster care. I went through every step to get them back and so did he but it never seemed genuine and I knew if we had gone through all that counseling etc and he was still resorting to control that he would never change and I would lose my kids forever. The night I left, he slashed the car tire while I was showering to prevent me from my planned visit with my older kids the next day because "how dare you shower before seeing another man" (their father who I never even saw or spoke to during exchanges). I left the next morning driving on my rim, my 1 and 2 year old not even strapped in because I had to get far enough away as fast as I could or I was afraid he would kill us.
HOW WAS THE PROCESS OF LEAVING THE ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP FOR YOU? WAS THERE ANYTHING DIFFICULT OR CONFUSING ABOUT THE PROCESS?
Yes, incredibly so, the barrier was in my head, by the time I left it seemed like though the physical door could open, in my head I could not leave. But I did. I suffer from complex PTSD and feel a lot of guilt and shame for what happened to me and my kids at times.
HOW DID YOUR FRIENDS, FAMILY, AND COMMUNITY RESPOND TO YOU LEAVING THE RELATIONSHIP? WAS THERE ANYTHING PARTICULARLY HELPFUL - OR DIFFICULT - IN THESE RESPONSES?
By the 10th and final time leaving many of my friends and family had had to step back to protect themselves from the pain and when they realized I was actually leaving for good my mom and best friend in particular rallied around me. My children were still in state custody although they were able to stay with me through my leaving, but my case worker and the DV advocate for my county were very encouraging. I was stopped by a cop driving the morning I left because my tire was flat and I burst into tears, his response was "We have been waiting for you to leave and be safe". When I moved out of the DV shelter into my own place I received many donations from my church and community.
HOW HAS YOUR JOURNEY TOWARDS HEALING DEVELOPED? WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO TELL FELLOW SURVIVORS?
I do well most of the time. Being rooted in God has helped a lot. I suffer from complex PTSD so not every day is great. Sometimes I feel like I want to die, I am scared, I can't sleep, my heart races, I feel like everyone hates me and no one understands me, I am stuck in a pit I cannot climb out of. But those days go and good ones come. I forgave my abuser March of 2023 and I found it very freeing. My advice would be just to keep going. Just take one small step at a time and before you even realize it you will have covered much ground.
WHAT, IF ANYTHING, WOULD YOU LIKE TO TELL ADVOCATES ABOUT HELPING VICTIMS OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE?
Don't ever become callous or aloof. It's hard to hear the stories and watch women return over and over. But always be the person they need when they need you. The victim ultimately has to decide when enough is enough and when she does she needs an army to love and support her.
HOW HAS SPEAK YOUR TRUTH TODAY AFFECTED YOUR JOURNEY OUT OF ABUSE AND TOWARDS HEALING?
It's nice to know I am not alone and to encourage others who are going through similar abuses and recovery.
ARE THERE ANY RESOURCES THAT WERE PARTICULARLY HELPFUL THROUGHOUT THE PROCESS?
Friends, family, church and the DV shelter.
IN YOUR OPINION, WHAT IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING FOR A SURVIVOR TO HEAR?
That she is heard. That her voice and feelings matter, even when they don't make sense to others.
