Sadie’s Story
HOW DID YOU FIRST MEET YOUR ABUSIVE EX-PARTNER? WHAT ATTRACTED YOU IN THE BEGINNING?
We met in a sober/recovery community in south Florida. I was attracted to his sense of humor and his attention and sensitivity to my social anxiety and discomfort around lots of people. He was also someone I knew my mother would approve of, and that was very important to me. He was attractive and had a large family, many of them were sober too and at the time I thought that was a good sign. I was also really impressed that he didn’t seem to have any jealousy issues and was ok with me having friends, going to meetings without him, etc.
WHEN DID THE ABUSE BEGIN AND WHAT KIND OF ABUSE DID YOU EXPERIENCE? HOW DID IT DEVELOP OVER TIME?
Looking back, there were red flags from the beginning. He was always quick to tell me what I couldn’t do or would never accomplish. We eventually married and had 2 kids (I wanted a 3rd, but he didn’t). After our second child, he became interested in my appearance, asking me to wear sexy clothes and heels for him. He started talking to me about plastic surgeries he wanted me to have and began requesting/pressuring me into having sex multiple times a day. I agreed to drink with him and allowed alcohol into our home as part of our agreement to have a 3rd child. This started a downward spiral of his deteriorating mental health and escalation of abuse. About 2 years after our 3rd child was born he began calling me names, insulting me, punching holes in the wall, tackling me to the ground, and breaking a cast iron pan full of dinner by smashing it to the floor. The police were called on one intense occasion and I lied to protect him multiple times. I lied and said I felt safe so many times, but I wasn’t safe.
WHAT WAS THE TIPPING POINT FOR YOU? WHEN DID YOU DECIDE THAT YOU NEEDED TO BREAK OFF THE RELATIONSHIP?
He was admitted to the hospital for 11 days, and continued to drink afterwards through 2 different IOP programs. I got him to agree to marriage counseling and I brought up his abusive behavior in our 3rd session. He refused to discuss his abusive behavior and wanted to turn every session around to focus on how it was my fault that he was still drinking because I hadn’t stopped drinking (yet). I knew the relationship was over but I couldn’t see any way out. I still didn’t fully understand the patterns of domestic violence, abuse, and control that I was experiencing. I finally reached out to some trusted family/friends and told them what was going on. Eventually I figured out how to get a TRO (Temporary Restraining Order), which wasn’t easy to get and the police were difficult to work with.
HOW WAS THE PROCESS OF LEAVING THE ABUSE FOR YOU? WAS THERE ANYTHING DIFFICULT OR CONFUSING ABOUT THIS PROCESS?
After living together for 15 years, there was a very short period of only 2 months between when I realized I was in an abusive relationship and when I was able to separate from him. For the 6 months prior to that, I watched my husband have a complete mental breakdown. Even after leaving, I still have a lot to unpack and process, and he continues to fight me legally and abuse me financially. Every step of the way is confusing because I am constantly being lied to and blamed for everything. The whole family court system is difficult to navigate and it is very hard to pay for legal representation. It’s confusing and overwhelming to have to try and parent children with my abuser (we have a child with autism & ADHD who can be prone to outbursts and tantrums, which makes parenting with my ex even harder.)
HOW DID YOUR FRIENDS, FAMILY, AND COMMUNITY RESPOND TO YOU LEAVING THE RELATIONSHIP? WAS THERE ANYTHING PARTICULARLY HELPFUL - OR DIFFICULT - IN THESE RESPONSES?
Our neighbors and his family turned their backs on me and our kids. I struggle with this every day, even over a year later. I worked very hard to be a “good” daughter-in-law. I loved hosting holidays for his family in our home.
My mother had to take some time to come to terms with the fact that she was brainwashed by him too. She saw the abuse, he couldn’t deny anything to her. My closest supporters were my mom, brother, and boyfriend - they were always there to listen and validate me.
HOW HAS YOUR JOURNEY TOWARDS HEALING DEVELOPED?
It’s a slow process. I am amazed at how my perception of reality has changed. I was surprised and confused when I wasn’t immediately happy and didn’t want to pick up my hobbies once I was away from him. The freedom was overwhelming, but I kept pressing on. I kept telling myself I could survive the suffering I was experiencing, I had already survived the actual abuse and I was away from him. I wanted to protect my kids, but I still had to find value in *me*. I told myself the further I got away from him (in time because I can't get away geographically), the more I would be able to GROW.
HOW HAS SPEAK YOUR TRUTH TODAY AFFECTED YOUR JOURNEY OUT OF ABUSE AND TOWARDS HEALING? DO YOU HAVE ANY RECOMMENDATIONS OR ADVICE FOR FELLOW SURVIVORS?
Speak Your Truth has given me a place to research what happened to me and find solace in the stories of other survivors. Validation is also so important, as is education! Learning the clinical and criminal definitions of “abuse”, “domestic violence”, and “coercive control” was very helpful.
My advice is to live and breathe and take some tiny comfort that even the big, bad, difficult emotions are our own. Our rage, our terror, our sadness can no longer be tamed and controlled by our abusers. Our voices are powerful, and we should continue to strive for love and respect in all relationships in this lifetime.
Also, my local DV organization and PALS program were immensely helpful for me and my family!
*names changed to protect identity
