Vickie’s Story
HOW DID YOU FIRST MEET YOUR ABUSIVE EX-PARTNER? WHAT ATTRACTED YOU IN THE BEGINNING?
I actually met my abusive ex In a divorce recovery class. I was initially attracted to him physically. I seem to be attracted to the tall, dark and handsome types. We connected after class, and then gradually began hanging out more and more. He had a wry, self-effacing sense of humor that attracted me. Charming isn’t a word I would use to describe him, but he had a quiet, endearing sort of manner that I appreciated. Plus, he could spell. Don’t ask me why that was so very important at the time, but it was. I admired and respected his correct spelling and grammar very much!
WHEN DID THE ABUSE BEGIN AND WHAT KIND OF ABUSE DID YOU EXPERIENCE? HOW DID IT DEVELOP OVER TIME?
The abuse began after we got married. It started slowly with emotional and verbal abuse, but got worse and worse over time (we were married for 15 years). I take ownership in part because I was (and sometimes still am) very codependent. I took my identity from the roles I play for others, and not for who I am - it’s something I am still working on. My kids were late teens when I met him, and he had two young kids with a woman he had recently divorced. She was not available as much for their kids due to dependency issues, so a great part of the attraction to him was the opportunity for me to step into the mother role again, just as my kids were needing me less in their lives. I can see so clearly now how I stepped into the roles of mother, wife, babysitter, housekeeper, cook, budgeter, and all-around fixer quite quickly.
There was only one major incidence of physical abuse, but the verbal and emotional abuse was constant and typically paired with other more subtle forms of physical abuse.
WHAT WAS THE TIPPING POINT FOR YOU? WHEN DID YOU DECIDE THAT YOU NEEDED TO BREAK OFF THE RELATIONSHIP?
Unfortunately, my daughter-in-law’s brain cancer returned, which meant I needed to be much more involved in my grandson’s care. I couldn’t have him stay in my home because it had turned into a war zone. This was when I finally realized that I needed to leave the abuse in order to give my grandson a safe place to be when he was with me.
HOW WAS THE PROCESS OF LEAVING THE ABUSE FOR YOU? WAS THERE ANYTHING DIFFICULT OR CONFUSING ABOUT THIS PROCESS?
It was all so confusing! I felt tremendous guilt for hurting him. I work for a church and was afraid they would make me go back to him in order to keep my job - but thankfully that wasn’t the case. My management just seemed to ignore the subject altogether, which was frustrating, but at least I kept my job. I found myself feeling guilty for loving my new little apartment even though it was in a crappy part of town. I was finally in a safe space and felt peace. My friends, family, and community were thankfully all tremendously supportive.
HOW HAS YOUR JOURNEY TOWARDS HEALING DEVELOPED? DO YOU HAVE ANY RECOMMENDATIONS FOR FELLOW SURVIVORS?
It’s definitely a work in progress. I recommend lots of therapy with no self imposed time limit for healing. We all heal at our own pace. Finding a community of survivors to share your story, even if it’s only online, can be extremely beneficial. You deserve to feel heard and understood! I also found Lundy Bancroft and Patricia Evans’ work to be especially helpful.
Speak Your Truth Today gave me more opportunities to see my story in others, which was tremendously validating. I’ve so enjoyed reading the stories and testimonies. If you’re a survivor, I highly recommend that you join us. We are better and stronger when we are together!
IN YOUR OPINION, WHAT IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING FOR A SURVIVOR TO HEAR?
Me too.
