Santiago’s Story

Freedom Date: 2006

TW: Sexual assault, drugged, suicidal ideation

HOW DID YOU FIRST MEET YOUR ABUSIVE EX-PARTNER? WHAT ATTRACTED YOU IN THE BEGINNING?  

I met her at a club in Atlanta. She was dancing and laughing at the same time. She waved me over to her. I couldn’t dance like her and thought I should stay put. But she waved me over again and I went. We had a short conversation about why I was standing on the side rather than dancing. She said something like, “move your body and smile a lot, people will assume you know what you are doing…work up a sweat and they’ll try to move like you.” She had so much confidence. I just forgot my insecurities and we danced all night. I was attracted to her confidence and ability to make me feel just as confident. 

WHEN DID THE ABUSE BEGIN AND WHAT KIND OF ABUSE DID YOU EXPERIENCE? HOW DID IT DEVELOP OVER TIME?

Manipulation was the primary abuse, but I didn’t know that or anything else was actually “abuse” until it all ended. It started after we had been seeing each other for six months. She told me she had a boyfriend and wanted me to be her second. Yes, I’ve been the “player” and seeing multiple women at a time, but never defined it as an exclusive relationship like she wanted to do. She wanted me only with her, and she would be with me and him. I was “high” on her and accepted her offer – I mean if we had been seeing each other for six months while she had another boyfriend, and I was happy, we had great sex and got along, agreeing to it shouldn’t change anything. 

What it became over the next few months is not what I thought it was going to be. She wanted me to be exclusive with her AND her boyfriend. As three people in a relationship. I never had any bisexual tendencies and didn’t know how to handle this proposition. She would say, “no pressure.” I took that as meaning I didn’t have to decide right away so maybe if I didn’t decide, the request would go away. We continued to hang out together (all three of us) and go to clubs, have cocktails, just have a good time. We’d spend the night in one apartment most nights, but one of us men always slept on the couch and the other was with her. 

I’d wake up on the couch, or in her bed, and not remember what happened the night before, but she was sexy, fun, and she made me happy, so I didn’t think anything of it. Maybe I just couldn’t handle my liquor. This went on for months. 

I learned that when we were drinking at home, they would put something in my cocktails to make me “looser”. So, I told her I wanted to stop drinking and she got angry with me. She said she couldn’t be with someone who didn’t enjoy drinking with her. So, I kept it up. I didn’t want to lose her. I thought I loved her.

WHAT WAS THE TIPPING POINT FOR YOU? WHEN DID YOU DECIDE THAT YOU NEEDED TO BREAK OFF THE RELATIONSHIP?

I woke up to her having sex with me while her boyfriend was kneeling over my face and thrusting into my mouth. I pushed him off and she started to scream at him for not putting enough X in my drink that night. I yelled –what the F?! She laughed and said something like, “You didn’t want to agree to being with him too, and I wanted you both, what’s the big deal? You got off every time.” I got angry and wanted to beat the ____ out of him. I took a couple of steps towards him, and she stepped in between us. Then she kissed me and told me that if I did anything to him, or stopped the relationship, she would announce to everyone that I was gay and did drugs. 

My mind was racing. I had gay friends. I had no problem with people being gay. I wasn’t though. I didn’t do drugs. Not by choice. I was terrified she would follow through with her threat. I got dressed and left. I had no idea what to do. Many more thoughts went through my mind…how long had this been going on, did I enjoy it like she said, what would happen if people thought I was gay, I knew how hard it was for my gay friends, what about if they thought I did drugs, I’m a black and Spanish man and her saying I do drugs could ruin my life…

I went back to her apartment feeling trapped. When I got there, she offered me a drink and casually said, “We doubled it this time so you can enjoy it more.” 

I knew what she was doing was wrong, but I just didn’t know what else to do. If she told anyone, my life would be ruined. My male friends were always talking about how hot she was and how I should love being with her. Would anyone believe me if I tried to get out? Maybe it wasn’t toxic after all…

HOW WAS THE PROCESS OF LEAVING THE ABUSE FOR YOU? WAS THERE ANYTHING DIFFICULT OR CONFUSING ABOUT THIS PROCESS?

I had no idea how to get out of the relationship because she was holding these secrets over me. How do I break free of her and keep my life together? I even contemplated suicide. I didn’t know what to do, where to go for help. Does anyone care about a black Spanish man being abused by a hot woman…NO. Because of these thoughts and fears, it took me another four months to get out of the relationship, all the while knowingly being drugged and raped. I keep saying I didn’t know what to do or how to break it off, but that’s what I felt. Trapped. 

So, yes it was difficult. I felt alone. I had a good friend help me though. 

I finally told this good friend of mine what was going on, and she is the one who pointed out that the relationship wasn’t just ‘wrong’ but it was abuse and I was being violated over and over. She tried to convince me to go to the police because these were criminal acts. But again, I didn’t think they would believe me. 

My friend told me to break from her for a bit. I convinced my abuser that my good friend went through a breakup and needed support. My abuser allowed me to stay with her for a few days to help get her spirits up. She had no reason to doubt my loyalty to our relationship because of the secrets she held over my head. 

One of the nights my friend and I were sitting on the couch watching a stupid movie. I can’t remember the movie, but a man and woman pretended to be in a relationship to stop the rumors of them with others. She turned to me and said something like, “You should break it off immediately and I’ll be your girlfriend and if she does out your past with her, I can say she is just jealous of losing you, that no way you are gay!” 

I thought it was a ridiculous idea. She said, “Fine, let’s go to the police. Either way, you are not going back.” 

I thank God for her friendship every day. She refused to let me be abused any longer. And – my ex never followed through on the threats. 

HOW HAS YOUR JOURNEY TOWARDS HEALING DEVELOPED? 

While my friend pointed out she was abusing me, through therapy I learned to accept the extent of the abuse – manipulating, sexually assaulting, and drugging me. My therapist confirms I could have gone to the police for the crimes. But no one can convince me that the police would have believed me. 

Looking back, I realize these secrets wouldn’t have ruined my life even if they came out. I had my friend’s support and now believe that if I had told others in my circle, they would have helped me too. But I can’t go back. I can’t change the couple of years of abuse – that I welcomed it by agreeing to be a second boyfriend and being too afraid to end it. My therapist says even if I welcome the initial group relationship, I never welcomed being violated. I’m still learning to accept that – maybe one day I can. 

However, I have learned the red flags in a relationship and how to have a healthy one – after a decade of counseling. Although I didn’t seek out therapy for over a decade after the abuse. It was difficult going to therapy as a strong black Spanish man. It took a long time to find a therapist who was there for me.

I’m married now and my wife knows about my abusive past. I didn’t want to tell her, but my therapist and friend recommended it for years and I finally did. We now attend counseling together. We don’t have issues in our marriage, but the past is hard, and we want to stay strong together. I have no secrets from her. 

WHAT, IF ANYTHING, WOULD YOU LIKE TO TELL ADVOCATES ABOUT HELPING VICTIMS OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE?

No matter who comes to you, no matter what situation they share is happening, believe them first. Then investigate or ask questions to get more info and possibly weed out the fake abuse stories. But don’t ever start with not believing. When this automatic reaction to a man coming forward changes across the board, we may finally feel safe to come forward and get help sooner. 

I’m a strong, confident half black and half Spanish man and at over six feet, clearly masculine in society’s eyes, and yet, I was victimized. By a woman and a man. To advocates I say, “it can happen to anyone.”

HOW HAS SPEAK YOUR TRUTH TODAY AFFECTED YOUR JOURNEY OUT OF ABUSE AND TOWARDS HEALING?

I am not a member of the support group. I hear great things about it through my good friend who saved me from my abuser because she works for them now. She encouraged me (in her pushy way) to submit my story. Even though it is anonymous, SYTT allowed me to own my power by speaking my truth and sharing my story. I don’t know if I’ll ever feel comfortable talking about it publicly, under my own name, or outside the few people who know what happened, but my wife and therapist are both proud I finally agreed to my friend’s request. 

Thank you, SYTT, for doing what so many are unable to – giving all of us a voice without discrimination.

IN YOUR OPINION, WHAT IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING FOR A SURVIVOR TO HEAR?

It was never your fault, and your experience does not define you. 

Find someone who loves you safely, openly, and honestly. They are out there. Don’t settle.