Joe C’s Story
Freedom Date: 2006
HOW DID YOU FIRST MEET YOUR ABUSIVE EX-PARTNER? WHAT ATTRACTED YOU IN THE BEGINNING?
We were both at the same house party. It was my first ‘off-base’ party since I got to my permanent duty station outside of technical school. I was excited to meet people local to the area. I had too much to drink – along with everyone else – and she introduced herself to me. I remember thinking she had a heart shaped face. We spent the night together and I went back to the base. I saw her at another party a couple of weeks later and we played pool together. We spent another night together and she gave me her home number, and I gave her my pager number. This was before I had a cell phone. She seemed easy going and fun.
Four weeks later my pager went off with her home number on it. When I called, she told me she was pregnant. I didn’t know if I was happy or unhappy, but it was what it was.
WHEN DID THE ABUSE BEGIN AND WHAT KIND OF ABUSE DID YOU EXPERIENCE? HOW DID IT DEVELOP OVER TIME?
During her pregnancy I would visit as often as possible. She had a year-old daughter from her ex-husband, and I adored her. Things seemed nice. A comfortable friendship. But we were not in a relationship, and she wanted to be in one. Once my daughter was born, she would use my daughter as leverage to spend time with me, go out to dinner or dates, and make me be intimate with her – just so I could see my child.
Whenever I refused to be coerced by her, she would start an argument. Even as she argued and screamed, I’d remain calm. She would throw things and punch holes in the walls, to try to get me to react. I would have my daughter in my arms, her other daughter by my feet holding my leg, and she would continue to act hostile. I’d call 911 for fear of the girls’ safety. When she realized I had called 911, she would go into the bedroom and cut her arms, hit herself with objects to cause bruising, and went so far as to break her own nose once. When the police arrived, I’d start telling them what she did, then she would appear from the bedroom, bloody and bruised. I’m a black man, she is a white woman. The police flat out told me that I would be going to jail no matter what I told them because of the marks she had on her. So, I would drop it – I couldn’t risk it being in the military. Over and over, for months, this pattern of me bending to her wishes or arguing and self-inflicted abuse.
Unfortunately, due to being a black man in a predominantly white community and her way of convincing others she was being abused by me, I spent most of my time doing what she wanted. Playing like we were in a relationship and having sex whenever she demanded it. I had stopped being attracted to her early on due to her behavior, but I had to make this work, or I couldn’t see my daughter. I was young, naïve, and had no idea about parental rights. It was because of this we had a second daughter.
WHAT WAS THE TIPPING POINT FOR YOU? WHEN DID YOU DECIDE THAT YOU NEEDED TO BREAK OFF THE RELATIONSHIP?
I was deployed in the Middle East and she ended up pregnant by another military man and started the same behavior with him. When I got back to the States, she would force me to be with her sexually to see my girls. Even though she was pregnant with another man’s child. One of my closest friends told me none of this was okay. She explained the behavior of self-harm to pretend to be abused and holding visitation over my head was abusive and I could fight her in court. And, until things were settled, to not go over to her house without a friend as a witness.
Then one day I picked my girls up for a weekend visit (with a friend, so no funny business happened) and my oldest had dog poop in a shoe, both had ticks on their privates and in their ear, my youngest had a bruise on her back, and looked like they hadn’t been bathed in weeks. I sent them home with new clothes every time they came to the house and always paid child support on top of buying their clothes. There was no excuse for their appearance.
My friend made me believe I could be free of her manipulation and see my daughters without fear of going to jail. So, I called CPS, and they came over to interview the girls. Listening from the other room, I heard them say they don’t know when they took a bath last, that they dressed themselves after playing in the backyard and put their own shoes on after walking through poop. They talked about how their mom was always out with a guy at night and they’d be home alone and my youngest fell off the top bunk and couldn’t breathe for a while. I knew I had to fight for their safety.
HOW WAS THE PROCESS OF LEAVING THE ABUSE FOR YOU? WAS THERE ANYTHING DIFFICULT OR CONFUSING ABOUT THIS PROCESS?
It was a challenge. Four years of legal battles to get custody of my daughters. About year three of battles, I was granted temporary custody of her other children as well, until their fathers were able to step up and file to be the custodial parent.
The process was difficult because I was in the military, and she had the entire community she grew up in. But, once the courts started home visits with her and had popped in randomly during visitation exchanges, it got easier because they witnessed it first-hand.
HOW DID YOUR FRIENDS, FAMILY, AND COMMUNITY RESPOND TO YOU LEAVING THE RELATIONSHIP? WAS THERE ANYTHING PARTICULARLY HELPFUL - OR DIFFICULT - IN THESE RESPONSES?
The community we lived in sided with her. She was one of their own. White. While I was a black man from New York and Jamaican parents. I was an outsider. To this day, her family and friends despise me for “taking her children away”. Rather than be upset with her for her abusive behavior to the men in her life and the child neglect she was responsible for.
My friends and the military were supportive after they found out the truth. In the beginning everyone assumed I was using her for sex and manipulating her – the reputation of a black man is what they would say. Once everything came to light, they apologized for assuming I was the “player” doing the harm to her.
HOW HAS YOUR JOURNEY TOWARDS HEALING DEVELOPED? WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO TELL FELLOW SURVIVORS?
Rough in that I found it hard to trust other women. I immediately got a vasectomy because I was afraid to be trapped in another abusive situation. It was also very hard because my girls didn’t understand the situation and why their mother wasn’t around as much. I never spoke bad about her. When they got older, they asked why we weren’t together, and I just showed them the court documents.
Fellow black male survivors need to be extra cautious in relationships due to the stigma that we are absentee fathers, abusive by nature, and everything else we are labeled. Protect yourself. Keep friends in the know.
WHAT, IF ANYTHING, WOULD YOU LIKE TO TELL ADVOCATES ABOUT HELPING VICTIMS OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE?
As a black man who is the farthest from aggressive and angry, it was hard to get anyone to believe me if they didn’t know me. So, I’ll say to advocates, trust first, investigate, then determine. But don’t make the person suffering prove it before you believe. Believe it on face value. Please.
HOW HAS SPEAK YOUR TRUTH TODAY AFFECTED YOUR JOURNEY OUT OF ABUSE AND TOWARDS HEALING?
My friend who helped me see the light in 2006 works for SYTT. While I did not join the group, her external posts and info she shares with me from SYTT resources helped me realize that it is sadly more common than it should be that anyone is abused, but that as a man, I shouldn’t be ashamed of what happened to me.
ARE THERE ANY RESOURCES THAT WERE PARTICULARLY HELPFUL THROUGHOUT THE PROCESS?
Child Protective Services was the most critical part of everything.
IN YOUR OPINION, WHAT IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING FOR A SURVIVOR TO HEAR?
If you feel like you are being manipulated, you probably are, and it is not okay. People do not have the right to manipulate you into behaving a certain way or making you do certain things. Seek guidance from others if you need to validate the abuse, but recognize it is abuse and you do not have to life that way.
