Susie’s Story
HOW DID YOU FIRST MEET YOUR ABUSIVE EX-PARTNER? WHAT ATTRACTED YOU IN THE BEGINNING?
When I first met him, I was dating someone at the time so we were just friends - I felt safe. He was extremely charming to everyone - and especially to me the first couple dates. I was attracted to his kindness and confidence. It wasn’t until we started dating that I realized his “kindness” was actually manipulation and his “confidence” was a facade. He even admitted to “hating women” further along in the relationship, but at this point I felt like I couldn’t leave - I had spent 5 years of my life with him.
WHEN DID THE ABUSE BEGIN AND WHAT KIND OF ABUSE DID YOU EXPERIENCE? HOW DID IT DEVELOP OVER TIME?
When the guy I had been dating and I broke up, he told everyone that I had cheated, so I lost a lot of friends. But (I’ll call him Dave) was sympathetic and kind. When we were about three months into the relationship, he began to be slightly controlling - especially with who I was friends with. However, he was always very charming with my family and any new friends we made as a couple, so it was confusing. He started convincing me that I wasn’t “righteous” enough, and that I deserved all the bad things that happened to me before we got together. I had been raped before I met him, and eventually I was completely convinced that I deserved it. I deserved everything that happened to me. I became so depressed… and this was around the time that he started isolating me from friends. He always had to be the most intelligent person in the room. If he was ever challenged (especially by a woman), he would then trash talk them behind closed doors. He would say things like, “They aren’t actually your friend,” or “Look at her, she’s an idiot and thinks she’s smart,” or even, “She’s not even attractive.”
Eventually we moved in together and the financial abuse began. Everything was put in my name, so I was responsible. I had to stay fit for him, do all the cooking and cleaning, wear the clothes he wanted me to wear, perform sexually for him the way he wanted, the list goes on. If I pushed back, the verbal and emotional abuse was intense. I was called so many names, threatened and yelled at for things that weren’t my fault. I eventually learned that if I just played along, life was easier and he was nicer for a time. So I became what he wanted…
WHAT WAS THE TIPPING POINT FOR YOU? WHEN DID YOU DECIDE THAT YOU NEEDED TO BREAK OFF THE RELATIONSHIP?
At one point, he went overseas to teach for 6 months. During this time, I realized my life was so much better without him there! When he came back, I was right back to being miserable again. I started slowly making a plan to escape - I saved money, told friends I trusted about the plan, and gathered evidence against him just in case. When I finally cut things off, he lost it. He left me threatening voicemails, emails, started sending my poetry, etc. But I was done and cut off all contact. I think because I had been so emotionally done with the relationship for so long, it was rather easy to be done with him and the relationship.
Looking back, I realize that he probably would have eventually killed me if I had stayed.
HOW DID YOUR FRIENDS, FAMILY, AND COMMUNITY RESPOND TO YOU LEAVING THE RELATIONSHIP? WAS THERE ANYTHING PARTICULARLY HELPFUL - OR DIFFICULT - IN THESE RESPONSES?
When I left [Dave], not many people knew it was abusive. Most just thought we had normal struggles and were supportive. When I did decide to leave, many were confused but still supportive. My family, however, had been love bombed by him, so some extended family were upset. My grandparents, for example, didn’t understand and kept asking when we were going to get back together. I would just laugh and say, “Never.”
I had friends, however, who were incredibly supportive and helped me leave. They told me things like, “I’m so glad you left, he was holding you back,” or, “You seem so much happier without him.”
HOW HAS YOUR JOURNEY TOWARDS HEALING DEVELOPED? DO YOU HAVE ANY RECOMMENDATIONS OR ADVICE FOR FELLOW SURVIVORS?
Because of Dave (and the trauma I experienced prior to my relationship with Dave), I suffer from PTSD. One of the things I struggle with most is trusting others and myself. Sometimes I feel like I made it all up in my head, or I was actually the one who was abusive. Healing has been a long journey and therapy has been a huge part of that journey.
The biggest advice I can give to a fellow survivor is to find a supportive group of people who can help. Even if it’s a Facebook group, having solidarity with a community that gets it has helped me feel like my experience is valid and that I’m not alone.
Second thing I would highly advise is to get a therapist and psychiatrist when you are ready. Unpacking everything that happened to me has been one of the most rewarding things I have ever done. It’s so hard, but it WORKS. I have learned tools to set me up for success and earned a self confidence that is unmatched.
HOW HAS SPEAK YOUR TRUTH TODAY AFFECTED YOUR JOURNEY OUT OF ABUSE AND TOWARDS HEALING?
When I first found Speak Your Truth, I was nervous and only read other people's posts. The more stories I read, however, the more I realized I wasn't alone. I finally felt fully understood in this group and that was HUGE. Even with supportive family and friends, many had trouble relating to what I went through. I always knew that if I posted about something in the group, it would be met with nothing but support and understanding - no blaming or guilt.
IN YOUR OPINION, WHAT IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING FOR A SURVIVOR TO HEAR?
It's not your fault, and you're not crazy!
*names changed to protect identity
