Amelia’s Story
Freedom Date: July 2005
HOW DID YOU FIRST MEET YOUR ABUSIVE EX-PARTNER? WHAT ATTRACTED YOU IN THE BEGINNING?
At a party. I was attracted to his charm, charisma, and humor.
WHEN DID THE ABUSE BEGIN AND WHAT KIND OF ABUSE DID YOU EXPERIENCE? HOW DID IT DEVELOP OVER TIME?
It started about 3 months after our marriage (after a very short courtship). The financial abuse started almost immediately, then came the temper tantrums, followed by physical, verbal, and emotional abuse. Everything was all my fault, always.
WHAT WAS THE TIPPING POINT FOR YOU? WHEN DID YOU DECIDE THAT YOU NEEDED TO BREAK OFF THE RELATIONSHIP?
The physical abuse escalated after the kids came along. After he restrained me, hit me in the head until I saw stars, and hid my car keys and phone so I couldn’t get help - all in front of our 6 and 3 yr olds - I planned my escape.
HOW WAS THE PROCESS OF LEAVING THE ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP FOR YOU? WAS THERE ANYTHING DIFFICULT OR CONFUSING ABOUT THE PROCESS?
I escaped with the kids while he was at work. My pastor tracked me down and told me I was sinful, selfish, and not trusting God to protect me and the kids. I was to be brought up before the church and undergo church discipline while he got off scot-free as the victim. So I went back, fearing God’s wrath.
HOW DID YOUR FRIENDS, FAMILY, AND COMMUNITY RESPOND TO YOU LEAVING THE RELATIONSHIP? WAS THERE ANYTHING PARTICULARLY HELPFUL - OR DIFFICULT - IN THESE RESPONSES?
I went back to the marriage for fear of punishment from God if I didn’t. The abuse continued for 5 more years until he finally left me for a new, fresh victim after he had already dismantled me. He left the kids and me homeless. The emotional abuse was even worse for years post-divorce. I blocked him off every form of contact, but he’d always find a way. No one was there to support me emotionally or understood the trauma I endured. I still have PTSD 18 years later.
HOW HAS YOUR JOURNEY TOWARDS HEALING DEVELOPED? WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO TELL FELLOW SURVIVORS?
I finally sought therapy. I was in it for 10 years to undo the damage. I learned that what my pastor said was wrong and not biblical. I slowly learned self-care and self-love, something highly frowned upon in my church. I recommend daily affirmations, a good therapist, and speaking your truth instead of holding it in, which can lead to many health problems.
WHAT, IF ANYTHING, WOULD YOU LIKE TO TELL ADVOCATES ABOUT HELPING VICTIMS OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE?
Hug them (if they allow) and assure them it’s going to be ok. Give them a voice to speak their truth. Encourage, uplift, and affirm them because they have been beaten down into feeling worthless. Reiterate that IT WAS NOT THEIR FAULT and nothing they could have done would have changed the abuser’s behavior. The guilt and “if only I had been good enough” are very real.
HOW HAS SPEAK YOUR TRUTH TODAY AFFECTED YOUR JOURNEY OUT OF ABUSE AND TOWARDS HEALING?
Just knowing I’m not alone and never had to be alone if I had known that my voice mattered.
ARE THERE ANY RESOURCES THAT WERE PARTICULARLY HELPFUL THROUGHOUT THE PROCESS?
Learning about narcissism through books, online articles/videos, books on understanding and recovering from abuse, YouTube videos with self-love affirmations and meditations, developing hobbies, going outdoors and being in awe of nature, EFT, and JournalSpeak to name a few.
IN YOUR OPINION, WHAT IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING FOR A SURVIVOR TO HEAR?
You are not what your abuser made you think you are.
Please don’t give up on yourself. Better days are coming. You are not who your abuser said you were. You matter. Your voice matters. Don’t hold your pain inside. Find your voice either through journaling, therapy, or sharing online.
