Yvette’s Story

Freedom Date: November 3, 2020

HOW DID YOU FIRST MEET YOUR ABUSIVE EX-PARTNER? WHAT ATTRACTED YOU IN THE BEGINNING?  

We both worked in the same place so sometimes we would see each other. 

We started talking after a coworker officially introduced us, but we did not really get along at all.

I was living with my partner at the time, but due to cultural differences and some domestic violence issues, I decided to go our separate ways…my then co-worker got closer to me during this time, at first as a friend, then by being very charming as we pursued something else. 

WHEN DID THE ABUSE BEGIN AND WHAT KIND OF ABUSE DID YOU EXPERIENCE? HOW DID IT DEVELOP OVER TIME?

It was weird at first. He made me feel like I was the most amazing person in the world! He would surprise me all the time in so many ways.

Then one day we were arguing about something silly, he then slammed a dish he was washing and started yelling at me and started slamming cabinets. I got scared and started crying, so he would switch his mood and cried an apologize to me for his actions. 

Little did I know that was the beginning of a lot of psychological, emotional, and physical abuse.

Since the beginning it felt I didn't have an option other than be with him, even moving in with him felt forced but I was so numb that I didn't care, I remember trying to escape or move out, even since week 1 from there, always something felt wrong…

WHAT WAS THE TIPPING POINT FOR YOU? WHEN DID YOU DECIDE THAT YOU NEEDED TO BREAK OFF THE RELATIONSHIP?

Later when we were living together, we had an argument after enjoying some drinks. I needed space to vent, so I left to my car to breathe. He chased me. He grabbed me by the neck, I bit him as I did not want him to choke me – but he retaliated and grabbed me, dropped me so hard on the floor that it shattered my left eardrum, and I had a bruise on the side of my face near my eye. He took my keys that night. It was a cold night and after hours of being outside, I went back inside to sleep in the living room and get warm. Although it took me months to be able to leave, that was when it was over for me, that was also the day something broke inside me.

HOW WAS THE PROCESS OF LEAVING THE ABUSE FOR YOU? WAS THERE ANYTHING DIFFICULT OR CONFUSING ABOUT THIS PROCESS?

It was very difficult as it was during the pandemic. It seemed that no one wanted to rent an apartment or a room to a person who had to be in hospitals all day long for fear of getting sick. So, it took months before I was able to finally leave. 

The day I was finally moving out I got a call from home in Mexico, saying my grandma was dying and that I should fly back home to say my final goodbyes. I left to see her before she passed away and stayed in Mexico for over 2 months – I never returned to his place, it felt like after saying goodbye to one of the humans that has had more impact in my life, I came back to start from zero, in a safe space with my friends who are like family.

HOW DID YOUR FRIENDS, FAMILY, AND COMMUNITY RESPOND TO YOU LEAVING THE RELATIONSHIP? WAS THERE ANYTHING PARTICULARLY HELPFUL - OR DIFFICULT - IN THESE RESPONSES?

Everyone was very happy for me! No one really liked him, even without them knowing how abusive he was with me, I never really told anyone back in Mexico and even in the US, they just could see I was not happy with him, I never was… It really sucks to say this and it is not me being bitter about the whole thing, I just feel I never really loved him or cared about him but I had to be there, I can't explain exactly why…

HOW HAS YOUR JOURNEY TOWARDS HEALING DEVELOPED? WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO TELL FELLOW SURVIVORS? 

I think each person will have a unique situation. I had a very hard time not blaming myself or feeling like I was enough. 

At the same time, surviving gave me a freedom I cannot describe, to the point that it empowered me to create a non-profit that advocates for mental and physical health in the Latinx community and to literally run towards my goals!!

I currently cater around three thousand people around the US and Mexico.

WHAT, IF ANYTHING, WOULD YOU LIKE TO TELL ADVOCATES ABOUT HELPING VICTIMS OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE?

I think it’s tough. I appreciate the work people do to advocate, but as a survivor of domestic violence I can say sometimes the last thing I wanted to do was talk about it, feel as a victim or be talked about as a victim. I really wish there was another term, or that I could choose what to be called instead of survivor or victim because it labels me in a way I do not like. It makes me feel uncomfortable about sharing my story.

HOW HAS SPEAK YOUR TRUTH TODAY AFFECTED YOUR JOURNEY OUT OF ABUSE AND TOWARDS HEALING?

I heard about SYTT’s Facebook support group through Teresa Park. 

I feel this is a very rough draft of my story and maybe it is just another story to those reading it, but it was very hard to write it down and feel ok with it. 

I feel talking about it always brings some anger and flashbacks, but I am happy to share knowing that women who are going through something similar understand they are not alone, and they are not less – as many times an abuser makes you feel – they are not crazy or the ones that need help to save their relationship. 

In my situation, my abuser told me many times that I was the one that needed help, I was crazy, mentally unstable, or other sorts of things to make me believe that I was the one that was wrong.

ARE THERE ANY RESOURCES THAT WERE PARTICULARLY HELPFUL THROUGHOUT THE PROCESS? 

Talk to a social worker. Most hospitals can provide you a contact for one. They tend to have resources in the community you are living in – to help you relocate or with basic need expenses. 

Also part of my non-profit has a chapter called Fenix where we can help you find resources and navigate the system in Spanish for my Latina survivors 

IN YOUR OPINION, WHAT IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING FOR A SURVIVOR TO HEAR?

The hardest thing that I faced is that something changed in me, something broke and it will never be the same. Yes, I am stronger, and yes, I now know I am resilient in ways I could not imagine, but there is a part of me that got lost in all this process since the first scream until the last punch. I hope you can learn to love the new version of yourself because it is as amazing as the version before. You are not broken. You are not incomplete. You are not wrong. 

MY FINAL THOUGHTS

Sharing a story that changed you is always so hard… I think my abuser wanted me to be quiet he never told anyone what really happened other that I am crazy, he thought I would remain silenced but there is a Mayan phrase I love and goes to all of my survivors that speak their truth, that shout out for those that can't or are not with us anymore:

"Quisieron enterrarnos, pero  no sabían que éramos semillas" (they tried to bury us, they didn't know we were seeds)

Blossom my beautiful survivors, In a flower, in a tree, in a cacti , in anything your free and wild spirit desires to do so.

I feel gaslighted after reliving this story, empty thinking about who I was and who I lost in this process, but I feel free, and no one can or will ever take that away from me.