Erika’s Story
Freedom Date: September 24, 2018
HOW DID YOU FIRST MEET YOUR ABUSIVE EX-PARTNER? WHAT ATTRACTED YOU IN THE BEGINNING?
We went to high school together, but I never really knew him.
Later on, he saw I baked cakes on Facebook, and he asked me to bake his son a birthday cake, we got to know each other afterwards.
I was attracted to him because he was a good father to his two young children.
WHEN DID THE ABUSE BEGIN AND WHAT KIND OF ABUSE DID YOU EXPERIENCE? HOW DID IT DEVELOP OVER TIME?
He was cheating almost immediately, but I didn't find out until about a year in. It was about that time that he started the shaming and name calling. He broke my spirit down and made me believe that no one else would want me if I left him.
The first time he hit me was 3.5 years in, 2 days before I married him.
The abuse always happened when he was drinking, and he always apologized, so I let it go.
WHAT WAS THE TIPPING POINT FOR YOU? WHEN DID YOU DECIDE THAT YOU NEEDED TO BREAK OFF THE RELATIONSHIP?
My breaking point was the day that he hit me in front of my two children and his daughter. Before that, they had never witnessed his abuse on me. The fear in their eyes was enough for me to call the police, have him arrested and get the no contact order (mandatory for domestic cases in my county). Prior to this incident, he was sneaky and would only abuse me when we were alone and was good at leaving bruises in places I could cover up. This time however, he blacked my eye, cut my face, and left bruises on my neck from choking me.
HOW WAS THE PROCESS OF LEAVING THE ABUSE FOR YOU? WAS THERE ANYTHING DIFFICULT OR CONFUSING ABOUT THIS PROCESS?
The no contact order put in place by the county made things 100 times easier. I had attempted to end our relationship before, but I always forgave him and went back to him. This time, legally I couldn't!
The time I spent both away from him and having no contact with him helped me to realize that I was totally fine without him. Yes, I still loved him, and it hurt, but I knew that I was fine on my own. I had my kiddos!
HOW DID YOUR FRIENDS, FAMILY, AND COMMUNITY RESPOND TO YOU LEAVING THE RELATIONSHIP? WAS THERE ANYTHING PARTICULARLY HELPFUL - OR DIFFICULT - IN THESE RESPONSES?
My friends and family supported me completely and wished I had left earlier.
HOW HAS YOUR JOURNEY TOWARDS HEALING DEVELOPED? WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO TELL FELLOW SURVIVORS?
Even after four years, I still have flashbacks occasionally. I'm not sure it's something that will ever completely go away, unfortunately.
Sometimes I also assume the worst in people. After years of being lied to and manipulated, it's just something that unconsciously happens.
I think a huge part of my healing has come from spending a year as a single woman and learning to love myself again. Another huge part in my healing is attributed to my now husband, Jared. In the last three years he has taught me what love and a healthy relationship looks like. Love can happen once you’re free and he has shown me time and time again, that I am worthy of love.
WHAT, IF ANYTHING, WOULD YOU LIKE TO TELL ADVOCATES ABOUT HELPING VICTIMS OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE?
I always tell anyone who's not been in the situation themselves, not to assume anything! It's not easy to leave. Unless you've been there, you could never truly understand it.
To anyone who is in an abusive relationship, I always tell them that I will support them and understand if they can't/won't leave, but I will ALWAYS encourage them to leave, because life truly does get better after you leave the abuse.
HOW HAS SPEAK YOUR TRUTH TODAY AFFECTED YOUR JOURNEY OUT OF ABUSE AND TOWARDS HEALING?
As sad as it is, knowing that there are other individuals out there who have been through almost the exact same situations as me, helped me heal.
Reading testimonies of others and having people to lean on who actually understand has helped me tremendously. Like I said before, if you've not been through it, you just can't begin to understand it. Victims must lean on each other for support and healing.
IN YOUR OPINION, WHAT IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING FOR A SURVIVOR TO HEAR?
Life WILL get better. You've just got to get to that point of being ready to leave.
