Amanda’s Story
Freedom Date: July 6, 2019
HOW DID YOU FIRST MEET YOUR ABUSIVE EX-PARTNER? WHAT ATTRACTED YOU IN THE BEGINNING?
My ex was the first and only relationship I had. We met at the beginning of my sophomore year of high school. What one would call a high school sweetheart love was really a dark secret and nightmare.
At the time we met we were only teenagers. He was the MVP of our high school football team, artistic, very quiet and had a way of charm.
What attracted me to him the most was the way he showed up every day no matter what and seemed to really care about getting to know everything about me.
WHEN DID THE ABUSE BEGIN AND WHAT KIND OF ABUSE DID YOU EXPERIENCE? HOW DID IT DEVELOP OVER TIME?
The abuse started off early in our relationship, but it didn’t appear to be “abuse”. By the age of 16 he was very emotionally and verbally abusive towards me.
Personal things that I told him shortly became his weapon and a key to the way that he would manipulate my self-esteem. He would point out all my flaws, insecurities and humiliate me (sometimes even in front of others) cheat and blame me for why he did it making me feel as if I was never enough.
We had our first child our senior year in high school (2006). At that time the abuse turned physical. I still remember that day, in my room at my mother’s house, when he hit and choked me while I was holding our 5-month-old son.
WHAT WAS THE TIPPING POINT FOR YOU? WHEN DID YOU DECIDE THAT YOU NEEDED TO BREAK OFF THE RELATIONSHIP?
I tried to leave so many times!
One day, he punched through my car window shattering the glass all over our daughter with our two sons watching. This was the first time the kids were caught in the middle. The abuse had escalated to now harming my child in his rage against me. He went through my apartment- sliced up my bed, mattress, and doorways.
I knew in that moment if I stayed any longer, we wouldn’t be able to make it out.
HOW WAS THE PROCESS OF LEAVING THE ABUSE FOR YOU? WAS THERE ANYTHING DIFFICULT OR CONFUSING ABOUT THIS PROCESS?
Honestly, the process of leaving was all a blur.
Once I made the decision to leave everything happened so fast and there was no turning back. With that came so many unknown parts to leaving and it was terrifying. I now not only had to face my own truth that I was in an abusive relationship but also had to share with others the life I had been hiding for years.
I packed the kids and myself up, left for work as usual but instead of returning home we stayed with a family member until the restraining order was processed.
HOW DID YOUR FRIENDS, FAMILY, AND COMMUNITY RESPOND TO YOU LEAVING THE RELATIONSHIP? WAS THERE ANYTHING PARTICULARLY HELPFUL - OR DIFFICULT - IN THESE RESPONSES?
Navigating through this was so difficult and confusing while still being in a state of fear but I received so much support that I had no idea was out there.
My loved ones were both shocked, concerned and hurt that the kids and I had been living like this for as long as we did.
However, what I remember the most was how pleased I was to see the response from my employer. They immediately took measures to ensure my safety and well-being as well as being understanding of my needs and situation.
I wish I had reached out to organizations and peers sooner.
HOW HAS YOUR JOURNEY TOWARDS HEALING DEVELOPED? WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO TELL FELLOW SURVIVORS?
Some days are definitely better than others but knowing that I’ve made it this far is such a blessing!
If I can share one thing with others it would be:
Healing is never ending! It’s work. Every day.
Honor yourself through your feelings, talk about it to those you can trust to hold space, find a safe space, an outlet and give yourself grace.
Always remember – as soon as you get to the top of one mountain, there’s a new one to climb, but as long as you continue to climb you will always end up at the top!
WHAT, IF ANYTHING, WOULD YOU LIKE TO TELL ADVOCATES ABOUT HELPING VICTIMS OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE?
I think the main thing is knowing that victims in most situations first and foremost initially just need to know they are seen, believed, and supported. In most cases, we’ve been made to believe that we are the problem and or “crazy”.
It’s not always easy to share our story especially when we know our lives and children’s lives are at risk.
One safe person and safe place can change the whole outcome and success to freedom. 💜
HOW HAS SPEAK YOUR TRUTH TODAY AFFECTED YOUR JOURNEY OUT OF ABUSE AND TOWARDS HEALING?
Speak Your Truth Today has allowed me to feel educated and supported. Seeing that I am not alone on this journey and being able to identify my own progress in healing has been something I am truly grateful for.
ARE THERE ANY RESOURCES THAT WERE PARTICULARLY HELPFUL THROUGHOUT THE PROCESS?
The Hotline (National Domestic Violence Hotline)
CoCo County Family Justice Center
“What Happened to You? Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing” by Bruce D. Perry
IN YOUR OPINION, WHAT IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING FOR A SURVIVOR TO HEAR?
“You don’t have to go through this alone, I believe you.”
