Stefanie’s Story
Freedom Date: September 15, 2013
HOW DID YOU FIRST MEET YOUR ABUSIVE EX-PARTNER? WHAT ATTRACTED YOU IN THE BEGINNING?
We met in high school. I was young and wanted to be desired, loved, wanted, by someone. I wasn’t attracted to him at first, but he charmed me and took advantage of my need to be loved.
WHEN DID THE ABUSE BEGIN AND WHAT KIND OF ABUSE DID YOU EXPERIENCE? HOW DID IT DEVELOP OVER TIME?
The abuse began a few months after we started dating. He would make comments on what I wore, show jealousy over who I spoke to. It progressed to name calling, yelling, and breaking my personal items. Eventually the abuse turned into physical and sexual abuse.
WHAT WAS THE TIPPING POINT FOR YOU? WHEN DID YOU DECIDE THAT YOU NEEDED TO BREAK OFF THE RELATIONSHIP?
The tipping point came after I had many realizations – that he wouldn’t ever stop, no matter how many times he said he would, or when it dawned on me that he didn’t care about me at all. I realized he abused me in front of our children and didn't care.
HOW WAS THE PROCESS OF LEAVING THE ABUSE FOR YOU? WAS THERE ANYTHING DIFFICULT OR CONFUSING ABOUT THIS PROCESS?
He would keep me hostage and not allow me to leave when I tried many other times.
I was only able to leave when he was thrown in jail after he threatened my brother. I wasn’t confused on the process; it was just very hard to leave.
HOW DID YOUR FRIENDS, FAMILY, AND COMMUNITY RESPOND TO YOU LEAVING THE RELATIONSHIP? WAS THERE ANYTHING PARTICULARLY HELPFUL - OR DIFFICULT - IN THESE RESPONSES?
My loved ones were happy.
Some people in my life questioned whether I would go back to him because I had left once before and went back. That caused pain and confusion, but I understood the concern.
HOW HAS YOUR JOURNEY TOWARDS HEALING DEVELOPED? WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO TELL FELLOW SURVIVORS?
My healing has been up and down.
Unfortunately, I have children with my abuser which has caused significant delays and disruptions in my healing because he is still allowed to contact me and uses the children and courts to continue to abuse me.
I finally left the full situation. Meaning I had to leave the state and my children behind and become non-custodial parent so I could finally take control of my healing and no longer be affected by my abuser.
I have already felt some relief in the five months I have been gone, but it came with a huge loss. I honestly don't know how it is going to affect things in the long run.
It is important to remember to take care of yourself and put yourself first. Healing is different for everyone so listen to what your soul needs and follow that route. The important people will be there for you no matter what.
WHAT, IF ANYTHING, WOULD YOU LIKE TO TELL ADVOCATES ABOUT HELPING VICTIMS OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE?
Just be there. Listen when a survivor speaks to you and try not to question their decisions or their experiences. You can't convince them of what they need to do so just stay at their side and be there when they decide to leave.
HOW HAS SPEAK YOUR TRUTH TODAY AFFECTED YOUR JOURNEY OUT OF ABUSE AND TOWARDS HEALING?
I just joined Speak Your Truth Today after seeing a recent post on NoMore’s Instagram and am happy to be a part of the group.
ARE THERE ANY RESOURCES THAT WERE PARTICULARLY HELPFUL THROUGHOUT THE PROCESS?
Not specifically. I used therapy, yoga, meditation, books, and any of my friends that are understanding.
I created a podcast to share my story. It outlines the abuse, the lack of support from the family court system, and where I am today. I am hoping this helps others throughout their process. My goal is to be able to help those that have been affected in similar ways with inspiration that life gets better.
IN YOUR OPINION, WHAT IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING FOR A SURVIVOR TO HEAR?
You didn't do anything wrong. It is not your fault.
