Crystal’s Story
Freedom Date: March 17, 2016
HOW DID YOU FIRST MEET YOUR ABUSIVE EX-PARTNER? WHAT ATTRACTED YOU IN THE BEGINNING?
We met while dancing in a club. He seemed sweet and was interested in me; I was in my early 20’s and had never really had a boyfriend. He was a preschool teacher, acted gentle and thoughtful.
WHEN DID THE ABUSE BEGIN AND WHAT KIND OF ABUSE DID YOU EXPERIENCE? HOW DID IT DEVELOP OVER TIME?
Looking back, it started very early on; he'd talk over me, ignore my concerns, get jealous easily, etc. But having our daughter was the real trigger. He began acting erratic, accusing me of constant cheating, trying to control what I did, purposely doing the opposite of what was best for her care. I was working a job and building a business, and every day was a constant psychological battle. It never got physical, but when he called me a "bitch"while holding my 18 month old daughter for asking for his help just physically being in the room to keep an eye on her when I was trying to get ready for friends to come over, I knew something had to change.
WHAT WAS THE TIPPING POINT FOR YOU? WHEN DID YOU DECIDE THAT YOU NEEDED TO BREAK OFF THE RELATIONSHIP?
We went to therapy at first. He quickly recruited the first therapist as a flying monkey, to the point that when I recounted the story and the subsequent fallout she insisted that I had been in the wrong. We went through several couples therapists over the next year and a half, and I finally realized nothing would ever change when I told him I felt like we were working toward two different goals and asked for a amicable trial separation and he screamed at me (in front of the therapist) that everything wrong with us was my fault. I hid under a blanket, shaking and sobbing, asking him to stop, to listen, to please just hear me for once. The following week was our last couples therapy appointment, and I told him that I felt like we had two options: amicable separation or divorce; he refused to discuss either and began accusing me of all sorts of horrible things.
HOW WAS THE PROCESS OF LEAVING THE ABUSE FOR YOU? WAS THERE ANYTHING DIFFICULT OR CONFUSING ABOUT THIS PROCESS?
He was in denial that anything was wrong, despite the couples therapist confirming his understanding of what I said. Over the course of the next month he tried to hoover me back in repeatedly. I ended up having him removed from the home because he wouldn't leave and I didn't feel safe as he acted more and more unpredictable. He actually put in a statement to the court that he had no idea a divorce was coming, and attempted multiple times to strongarm me into stopping the process, including refusing to sign paperwork, lying repeatedly in court, and manipulating our daughter over and over. Oh yes, and recently he's used the pandemic as an excuse to (again, three separate times) request that I let him move in.
HOW DID YOUR FRIENDS, FAMILY, AND COMMUNITY RESPOND TO YOU LEAVING THE RELATIONSHIP? WAS THERE ANYTHING PARTICULARLY HELPFUL - OR DIFFICULT - IN THESE RESPONSES?
Honestly almost everyone was relieved. He did attempt to recruit a couple of mutual friends as flying monkeys, but they have over the last several years realized that his stories about me were lies. He's continually acted consistent with what I've said.
HOW HAS YOUR JOURNEY TOWARDS HEALING DEVELOPED? WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO TELL FELLOW SURVIVORS?
Therapy, therapy, therapy. Writing down my truth has been important too.
WHAT, IF ANYTHING, WOULD YOU LIKE TO TELL ADVOCATES ABOUT HELPING VICTIMS OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE?
Sometimes, abusers don't look like stereotypes. Mine acts extremely even tempered in public most of the time, although the veneer is slipping.
HOW HAS SPEAK YOUR TRUTH TODAY AFFECTED YOUR JOURNEY OUT OF ABUSE AND TOWARDS HEALING?
Being in the group is so helpful for support!
ARE THERE ANY RESOURCES THAT WERE PARTICULARLY HELPFUL THROUGHOUT THE PROCESS?
Honestly, the group's resources didn't help me as much because I found it while I was already through most of my court journey but I've recommended them to a lot of people.
IN YOUR OPINION, WHAT IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING FOR A SURVIVOR TO HEAR?
Your truth is valid and you deserve to be heard.
