Anny’s Story
Freedom Date: January 2017
HOW DID YOU FIRST MEET YOUR ABUSIVE EX-PARTNER? WHAT ATTRACTED YOU IN THE BEGINNING?
We met in high school when I was only 17 years old.
He validated me, gave me attention.
He was extremely charming.
WHEN DID THE ABUSE BEGIN AND WHAT KIND OF ABUSE DID YOU EXPERIENCE? HOW DID IT DEVELOP OVER TIME?
At the time, I didn’t necessarily recognize the signs of abuse. However, looking back, I definitely see elements of abuse starting from the very beginning.
Love bombing, psychological abuse, mental abuse, gaslighting, emotional abuse, grooming, manipulation, and sexual and spiritual abuse.
It wasn’t a lot of abuse in the beginning – tiny drips of it at first. But just like the cycle of abuse explains, the abuse got worse the longer we were together.
WHAT WAS THE TIPPING POINT FOR YOU? WHEN DID YOU DECIDE THAT YOU NEEDED TO BREAK OFF THE RELATIONSHIP?
It was just after another one of our stupid fights. One of the absolute stupidest we had, but one where it also made me feel worthless and tired of living. I had this lightbulb moment of “if something doesn’t change here, THIS is going to be the rest of your life!”
I realized in that very moment that I couldn’t live like that and I was just done.
HOW WAS THE PROCESS OF LEAVING THE ABUSE FOR YOU? WAS THERE ANYTHING DIFFICULT OR CONFUSING ABOUT THIS PROCESS?
The process of leaving was extremely scary. So many unknowns and fear of what he will do.
But I called my best friend and told her “I am done.” She was wonderful! She helped me find a lawyer secretly and I started preparing for a couple of months before I physically left. This part is important – make a plan to safely leave!
The hardest part was still living in the house with him, pretending everything was fine, knowing I was about to leave and not knowing where I was going.
Note from SYTT: Learn more about how to Safely Exit on our website by clicking on the ‘How Do I Leave?’ drop down menu in the middle of the page.
HOW DID YOUR FRIENDS, FAMILY, AND COMMUNITY RESPOND TO YOU LEAVING THE RELATIONSHIP? WAS THERE ANYTHING PARTICULARLY HELPFUL - OR DIFFICULT - IN THESE RESPONSES?
My family and my true friends were beyond supportive! My parents allowed me to come live with them for as long as I needed. No judgment. Only support.
Unfortunately, the community was a mixed bag. Some people, that I thought were my friends, didn't understand abuse or why I was leaving. They went as far as to call me names and tell me what I was doing was wrong.
I'm a person of tremendous faith and the church especially didn't agree with my decision. While their opinion shouldn’t matter, it can affect a person’s decision to leave when the pressure to “keep the marriage together” is looming over faith-based people.
Thankfully, I was so done at that point I didn't really care what anyone thought. I was finally doing something for my health and wellbeing.
HOW HAS YOUR JOURNEY TOWARDS HEALING DEVELOPED?
For the first year after I left I was basically in survival mode. I didn’t seek professional help or work on myself. I just survived.
After that first year, I began seeing counselors, went through a divorcecare program and am currently working with a psychologist and life coach.
It’s important to remember a few things as a survivor:
Don't put a timeline on your healing!
Definitely find a professional to talk to!!
Don't jump into a new relationship right away. Heal yourself first.
WHAT, IF ANYTHING, WOULD YOU LIKE TO TELL ADVOCATES ABOUT HELPING VICTIMS OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE?
Just listen. Believe them. Be there to support them. Help educate them in what they're going through.
When they are ready to leave, find ways to support them.
HOW HAS SPEAK YOUR TRUTH TODAY AFFECTED YOUR JOURNEY OUT OF ABUSE AND TOWARDS HEALING?
This group is amazing to be a part of and realize I'm not alone. I found the group shortly after it was created in 2019, but it was years after leaving. I was, and still am, on my healing journey.
ARE THERE ANY RESOURCES THAT WERE PARTICULARLY HELPFUL THROUGHOUT THE PROCESS?
IN YOUR OPINION, WHAT IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING FOR A SURVIVOR TO HEAR?
I believe you and I'm here for you.
