Tiffany’s Story

Freedom Date: July 8, 2019

HOW DID YOU FIRST MEET YOUR ABUSIVE EX-PARTNER? WHAT ATTRACTED YOU IN THE BEGINNING?  

It was his hard-working and kind personality that initially attracted me to my ex-partner. He genuinely seemed to care about me. Some of my fondest memories are of fun dates he took me on, surprising me with flowers during college, and talking for hours and hours about life. It was exactly what you would dream of – someone fully invested in you, taking time to know you and romance you. 

WHEN DID THE ABUSE BEGIN AND WHAT KIND OF ABUSE DID YOU EXPERIENCE? HOW DID IT DEVELOP OVER TIME?

The abuse started extremely slowly. 

There could have been less obvious abuse occurring, but my first memory of abuse in the beginning was when he tried to manipulate me by encouraging me to isolate from my friends. He would use the age-old excuse of “you probably shouldn’t have other guys as friends” [when you are married]. While this may not seem like abuse in the moment as you are trying to respect the marriage and relationship you have, it is abusive manipulative behavior.

It didn’t end there, though. The verbal and emotional abuse very slowly increased in frequency and intensity–yelling at me over the laundry not being done or criticizing nearly everything I did around the house. Eventually, he slowly reduced the amount of physical touch he’d give me. 

All the abuse escalated and became unbearable after we had our first child.

WHAT WAS THE TIPPING POINT FOR YOU? WHEN DID YOU DECIDE THAT YOU NEEDED TO BREAK OFF THE RELATIONSHIP?

To be honest, I had no idea what a truly healthy relationship looked like, or if it existed. Yet after giving birth to my second son, I began to recognize how little my ex cared about me, and how little he was involved with our children. 

It was then that I realized I needed to leave but wasn’t sure if I was overreacting given that a healthy relationship may only be a fantasy. So, I posted in the Speak Your Truth Facebook support group asking about healthy relationships. With the many responses from the members, I was overwhelmed with joy that a good, loving, healthy relationship doesn’t just exist, but was actually possible!

HOW WAS THE PROCESS OF LEAVING THE ABUSE FOR YOU? WAS THERE ANYTHING DIFFICULT OR CONFUSING ABOUT THIS PROCESS?

My relationship looked "okay" from the outside – as it does for so many. The abuse I endured was so quiet and hidden from everyone around me. Given that no one saw the relationship for what it was, I think the hardest part was finding the words to describe what I had been through to others who so often wanted to know “what had gone wrong in my marriage.” This isn’t a difficult question, but to find the words or to have to explain that what “went wrong” was his abuse, was difficult. 

It took a while for me to feel confident saying that I was in an emotionally abusive relationship because I had just never heard people talking about it. How could I put it into words where people would understand, not judge, and be supportive? 

HOW DID YOUR FRIENDS, FAMILY, AND COMMUNITY RESPOND TO YOU LEAVING THE RELATIONSHIP? WAS THERE ANYTHING PARTICULARLY HELPFUL - OR DIFFICULT - IN THESE RESPONSES?

Societal norms are exhausting in so many ways, such as divorce being a “bad thing” or meaning you failed in your marriage. These common views in society are frustrating and can make people feel trapped in an abusive marriage. 

I really hated when people apologized when they heard I was going through a divorce. Their tilted head and sometimes the look of pity as they expressed to me, “I’m so sorry!”

For me, getting out of that relationship was a celebration. I was free from abuse! But, as I said before, society looks at divorce as such a "bad thing.” When, in reality, it would have been so much worse for me to stay in that marriage. 

Divorce doesn’t mean I failed. I was manipulated into believing this person was one way, loving and kind, but in fact was abusive and damaging. I was finally free of the abuse and am proud of the decision I made! 

HOW HAS YOUR JOURNEY TOWARDS HEALING DEVELOPED?

It’s definitely a journey! Dating has been really interesting. 

Looking back, I realize my body was not physically ready to react to healthy love for about two years after I left my abusive relationship. Though I felt like I was going through so much healing mentally, my body still had a lot to process. Knowing that your body and your internal reactions to healthy love must rewire and heal is so important! Allowing your body and internal reactions to rewire will ensure you don't end up deep into a new relationship that just isn't quite right for you.

WHAT, IF ANYTHING, WOULD YOU LIKE TO TELL ADVOCATES ABOUT HELPING VICTIMS OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE?

Having words to describe what I was going through was so helpful. And hearing about healthy relationships FROM people who have been in abusive relationships was incredibly important to me. I didn't believe anyone who hadn't walked in my shoes.

HOW HAS SPEAK YOUR TRUTH TODAY AFFECTED YOUR JOURNEY OUT OF ABUSE AND TOWARDS HEALING?

In so many ways! I was lucky enough to join the Facebook support group just weeks after it was formed. It was only five or so months later that I finally gained the courage to leave.

I truly didn’t know what I was going through was abuse until I found Speak Your Truth! 

Knowing there were others who had been through what I had was incredibly encouraging. And now, the abuse quiz on the SYTT website is something I encourage a lot of other women around me to take. I wish the quiz was available when I was trying to find the courage to leave! 

I just want to close with a note for the people who run SYTT, “Thank you for all that you do <3 I've been sharing more about what I went through on Instagram (@tiffany_elise89) and I want to say thank you for helping me get here, because if I hadn't left my marriage, I wouldn't have connected with so many incredible women around me who have since left abusive relationships too. You're all amazing!”

ARE THERE ANY RESOURCES THAT WERE PARTICULARLY HELPFUL THROUGHOUT THE PROCESS? 

The book “Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay” by Mira Kirshenbaum. 

As well as the Speak Your Truth Facebook Support Group.

IN YOUR OPINION, WHAT IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING FOR A SURVIVOR TO HEAR?

You have permission to leave. 

What you've experienced is abuse and it's not okay. 

You deserve a peaceful, healthy love, and so do your children!