Gail’s Story
Freedom Date: November 2006
HOW DID YOU FIRST MEET YOUR ABUSIVE EX-PARTNER? WHAT ATTRACTED YOU IN THE BEGINNING?
I met him the first day of college. He lived in my same dorm, just across the hall. His roommates that asked me and my roommates to go out for drinks. I went with them.
He and I started dating that same week. He seemed nice when we started dating.
WHEN DID THE ABUSE BEGIN AND WHAT KIND OF ABUSE DID YOU EXPERIENCE? HOW DID IT DEVELOP OVER TIME?
At the time I didn’t know what I was going through was abuse. Looking back, though, the abuse started that first year. As I got to know others at college, the subtle isolation started. The never-ending arguments that were always my fault.
WHAT WAS THE TIPPING POINT FOR YOU? WHEN DID YOU DECIDE THAT YOU NEEDED TO BREAK OFF THE RELATIONSHIP?
A new friend of mine said he was abusive, which was the first time his behaviors were labeled that way. This made me realize I was being abused the entire time.
As I got stronger through therapy, his abuse escalated in intensity, frequency and even became physical.
It took me a couple years until I finally filed for divorce and my freedom.
HOW WAS THE PROCESS OF LEAVING THE ABUSE FOR YOU? WAS THERE ANYTHING DIFFICULT OR CONFUSING ABOUT THIS PROCESS?
Once he was served with divorce papers, he became more abusive. He lived in the house with us for two months after being served until his abuse became so intolerant that I got an order of protection.
He started manipulating our kids to be against me while at the house, and this manipulation of our kids not only continued, but escalated to the point where he convinced them to become abusive towards me as well.
HOW DID YOUR FRIENDS, FAMILY, AND COMMUNITY RESPOND TO YOU LEAVING THE RELATIONSHIP? WAS THERE ANYTHING PARTICULARLY HELPFUL - OR DIFFICULT - IN THESE RESPONSES?
My stepsister supported my abuser by taking him in after he was forced to leave. She also supported and encouraged my kids’ abusive behaviors toward me that he flamed.
I no longer have anything to do with her.
My friends supported me through it all. 100% of the way.
HOW HAS YOUR JOURNEY TOWARDS HEALING DEVELOPED? WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO TELL FELLOW SURVIVORS?
Healing takes a lot of therapy and education to understand what abuse looks like, what setting boundaries looks like. Time and therapy have helped me so much.
It’s important that you don’t immediately jump into another relationship because you’re lonely. I tried that. It wasn’t good. I met too many men that had similar behaviors to the ex.
Take time to learn to be comfortable alone. Be comfortable in who you are. In where you are on your healing journey.
When I finally dated again, it wasn’t because I was lonely. It was because I wanted to make a new friend; someone that was just a nice person and who accepted me for who I am.
WHAT, IF ANYTHING, WOULD YOU LIKE TO TELL ADVOCATES ABOUT HELPING VICTIMS OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE?
I would love it if training (or better training) was offered to the police on how to recognize signs of abuse and how to better support victims.
HOW HAS SPEAK YOUR TRUTH TODAY AFFECTED YOUR JOURNEY OUT OF ABUSE AND TOWARDS HEALING?
I was always somewhat comfortable sharing my story. I joined the group the week it was created, and I learned about how trauma can affect a person. By hearing other’s stories, I learned about Eye Movement Desensitization and Processing (EMDR). It’s really made a difference for me.
ARE THERE ANY RESOURCES THAT WERE PARTICULARLY HELPFUL THROUGHOUT THE PROCESS?
I read lots of books. Two were especially helpful:
“Not to People Like Us: Hidden Abuse In Upscale Marriages” by Susan Weitzman
“The Body Keeps the Score” by Bessel van der Kolk M.D.
IN YOUR OPINION, WHAT IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING FOR A SURVIVOR TO HEAR?
To be believed.
