Paul’s Story
Freedom Date: February 4, 2017
HOW DID YOU FIRST MEET YOUR ABUSIVE EX-PARTNER? WHAT ATTRACTED YOU IN THE BEGINNING?
Just like so many others have done and will continue to do, I met my ex on a dating site. These sites allow us to conveniently connect with like-minded people. And sure enough, early on, we agreed on so many things and we shared enough common interests to spark the relationship.
WHEN DID THE ABUSE BEGIN AND WHAT KIND OF ABUSE DID YOU EXPERIENCE? HOW DID IT DEVELOP OVER TIME?
Abuse was very slow. It started while we were getting to know each other. It was throwing an object here. An outburst there. Several requests to reduce the amount of time I was talking to family members. Violent and manipulative behaviors that are often overlooked in a person, excused away for many reasons, things we should never do and encourage others to stop doing.
The physical abuse didn’t present itself until after we committed to being in a relationship.
WHAT WAS THE TIPPING POINT FOR YOU? WHEN DID YOU DECIDE THAT YOU NEEDED TO BREAK OFF THE RELATIONSHIP?
When she threatened me with my life is when I knew I had to leave.
I broke down - fearing the unknown. I felt like I was stuck in a relationship and came to the point where I felt degraded as a human.
I was emotionally broken and had had enough.
HOW WAS THE PROCESS OF LEAVING THE ABUSE FOR YOU? WAS THERE ANYTHING DIFFICULT OR CONFUSING ABOUT THIS PROCESS?
Honestly, the process was an impulse decision!
After an open conversation with my family, I decided to leave everything I possessed behind, bought a one-way train ticket, and left with my workbook bag and the clothes on my back.
Almost nothing was planned, but I had my family, who, at that moment, dropped everything and stepped in to ensure that I remained safe. It was a terrifying time for me and my family because we didn’t know how she was going to react to me leaving.
HOW DID YOUR FRIENDS, FAMILY, AND COMMUNITY RESPOND TO YOU LEAVING THE RELATIONSHIP? WAS THERE ANYTHING PARTICULARLY HELPFUL - OR DIFFICULT - IN THESE RESPONSES?
My family was a big reason why I left.
Some knew the extent of the abuse I went through. Some didn’t.
I was led to believe, through manipulation tactics of my ex, that my family didn’t love me anymore.
Yet it was the opposite! They all supported me in different ways. Some hosted me to spend time with them. Others sat with me even if I didn’t have anything to say. Just by them being there, they were saying that they were there for me through thick and thin.
This is the support all victims need as they transition to becoming a survivor!
HOW HAS YOUR JOURNEY TOWARDS HEALING DEVELOPED? WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO TELL FELLOW SURVIVORS?
Healing is still ongoing.
I would suggest taking a course on domestic violence to understand what you went through and learn the signs and cycles of abuse. To protect yourself and those close to you as you recognize red flags.
I would recommend finding a therapist who specializes in domestic violence.
And, if you experienced abuse, think about discussing Eye Movement Desensitization and Processing (EMDR) or Prolonged Exposure Therapy.
All of this helped me get me to where I am today.
WHAT, IF ANYTHING, WOULD YOU LIKE TO TELL ADVOCATES ABOUT HELPING VICTIMS OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE?
Just be present and listen. Most people just want to be heard.
Regardless of what’s transpired, said, or done, recognizing people for who they are and letting them know they are accepted goes a long way.
HOW HAS SPEAK YOUR TRUTH TODAY AFFECTED YOUR JOURNEY OUT OF ABUSE AND TOWARDS HEALING?
Speak Your Truth is a place where others who understand both where I have been and what I have been through, and are able and willing to provide advice and support. Joining the support group shortly after it was formed in 2019 has helped me so much!
ARE THERE ANY RESOURCES THAT WERE PARTICULARLY HELPFUL THROUGHOUT THE PROCESS?
I had incredible local resources in the police force, attorneys, and advocates. I am so thankful for all of them.
IN YOUR OPINION, WHAT IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING FOR A SURVIVOR TO HEAR?
The most important thing for a survivor to hear is that you are not alone, abuse is not okay and that it is not at fault!
