Hannah’s Story
Freedom Date: August 14, 2018
HOW DID YOU FIRST MEET YOUR ABUSIVE EX-PARTNER? WHAT ATTRACTED YOU IN THE BEGINNING?
I was a freshman in college, and he actually messaged me over Facebook - (for those of you who know my story - how ironic is that?) I knew of him because he grew up with my twin cousins. He even dated one of them for like a month, but they all stayed friends. My uncle had spent a lot of time with him and because of this, he seemed like a safe person.
We went back and forth for several days before he gave me his number where we talked nonstop. Eventually we started skyping (I was going to school in California, and he was in Washington). The conversation was constant. I think I was attracted to the attention he gave me - I had never had someone seem to be so interested in me, it felt like a fairy tale. He would write long letters and send flowers. He was also very charismatic, a goofball, and seemed to have a lot of friends. I learned later that everything was surface level...
I think we told each other we loved each other after like 2 weeks! And I bought a plane ticket to see him for my spring break, which was 3 months later. I figured if it didn't work out in these 3 months, I'd at least get to see my best friend and cousins who lived in the area he did at the time.
WHEN DID THE ABUSE BEGIN AND WHAT KIND OF ABUSE DID YOU EXPERIENCE? HOW DID IT DEVELOP OVER TIME?
I think the first abuse I experienced from him was how he took advantage of my naivety. I was young and had a very religious upbringing. I had never drunk alcohol until I went to see him for that first visit 3 months after we started talking online. I think it was the second night we were together that he took advantage of me for the first time.
I was so naive; however, I didn't understand that what he had done was not consensual and was rape. We continued the relationship and to be honest, there were so many red flags looking back. But when you're in one of these relationships, you're completely clouded by all the love bombing. It's easy to miss giant red flags until it's too late, and you're so committed.
The abuse started as emotional and there was lots of mental/intellectual abuse. There was a lot of gaslighting and questioning my view of events or joking at my intelligence. My age was often used against me, he always had to be the smartest, funniest, most intelligent person in the room.
Eventually the abuse grew to physical & psychological. He would punch walls, scream, yell in my face, slam doors, push and grab me, and make threats that he would crash the car, divorce me, etc. There was always lots of sexual abuse too - he would joke about our sex life to friends and get upset if I didn't give in to his advances. For the first 3 years of our relationship, he never gave me any sort of pleasure. Eventually I started researching, as our sex was so un-enjoyable and hurtful, I was concerned about my body and why it seemed like I didn't like sex. When I eventually started demanding that I, too, should be pleasured, he would throw a fit. After I left was when I truly learned that what I was experiencing could probably be considered rape every time.
I endured it, and that's not how sex should EVER feel like.
WHAT WAS THE TIPPING POINT FOR YOU? WHEN DID YOU DECIDE THAT YOU NEEDED TO BREAK OFF THE RELATIONSHIP?
We had been married for 3 years, and he was only getting worse. I had just kept thinking "it will just get better!" But it hadn't, and I was getting exhausted. I knew I couldn't have children with him, and this was the ultimate tipping point. I knew I wanted to be a mom, and having spent time around children, I knew I could never trust that he wouldn't blow up on them. Even if he were to magically get better, I knew I could never trust that he wouldn't eventually lose his temper like he had so many times with me.
One day, we got in an argument in the morning before work. I was naked because I had taken a shower and he was following me around our room, yelling at me. He eventually pushed me onto our bed, and as I looked up into his black eyes, he said, "I hate you, I don't love you anymore, we're getting a divorce." He had said this so many times before, but this time I was finally done. I had to tell someone about the silent reality I was living and move out, so I texted the domestic violence hotline at 741-741 (I had recently learned about it from a podcast). They encouraged me to talk to a close friend, so I reached out to my parents and stayed with friends that night.
HOW WAS THE PROCESS OF LEAVING THE ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP FOR YOU? WAS THERE ANYTHING DIFFICULT OR CONFUSING ABOUT THE PROCESS?
Thankfully, when I decided to leave, I had a pre-planned trip to go visit friends in California (we had been living in Georgia), so I flew out knowing I would likely never return to the home. I left my two cats, which was definitely the hardest part of this all. I didn't know there are resources out there that help with pets during these sorts of situations.
Once I decided I was moving forward with the divorce, my dad actually stepped in as a mediator. This was probably the best thing that my dad has ever done for me, and I can't recommend this enough to fellow survivors. If at all possible, have a trusted friend or family member step in as a mediator so that only the necessary information gets to you - you'll thank me later! My ex tried to manipulate him into getting me back, or making my dad feel sorry for him (he was great at playing victim). Luckily, my parents could see through it all, and trusted every word I said.
Thankfully, because of this mediation, (and because we didn't have children together) I didn't have to interact with him for weeks after leaving before we got the divorce process officially started. This enabled me to have so much space away from him to clear the fog from my head. It helped me see right through all his tactics during the divorce process, although, there were so many difficult days. The exhaustion is real when leaving abuse. It's okay and normal to be sleeping A LOT. Let yourself rest, now that you are safe.
HOW DID YOUR FRIENDS, FAMILY, AND COMMUNITY RESPOND TO YOU LEAVING THE RELATIONSHIP? WAS THERE ANYTHING PARTICULARLY HELPFUL - OR DIFFICULT - IN THESE RESPONSES?
I had the major privilege of being believed by nearly all my friends and family. I had such a support system to turn to, and I am so grateful for that. So many are not as lucky...
I did have some confusing responses after I left, however, that were unhelpful. I had one friend tell me, "If my wife chopped off my arms and legs, I still wouldn't divorce her," because it was a "sin". Hearing this made me question my decisions and was the only time I contemplated going back to him. Another friend would ask if I saw signs "before I got married," as if I could have prevented everything. And another said, "I would have fought back," which wasn't helpful either.
HOW HAS YOUR JOURNEY TOWARDS HEALING DEVELOPED? WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO TELL FELLOW SURVIVORS?
Trauma therapy was a necessity for me. It truly helped me process what I went through. Also, grounding techniques are powerful. Practicing them can really help you calm the anxiety and ptsd episodes you will inevitably have. Remember that healing takes time. I remember just wanting to press "skip forward" on my life during the healing years. They're hard, and sometimes you can be hit with something you could have sworn you already healed and moved on from. Be KIND to yourself, allow yourself to rest and release yourself from the pressures of being "okay". Your body holds on to so much more than you realize, and unpacking / rewiring your brain/body takes time.
Reading “The Body Keeps the Score” by Bessel Van der Kolk, and Trauma & Recovery by Judith Hermann were game changers. It put language to what I was experiencing, and I highly recommend those books - or really any books that come well-recommended for survivors. Reading is also a great way to calm your body while you heal.
WHAT, IF ANYTHING, WOULD YOU LIKE TO TELL ADVOCATES ABOUT HELPING VICTIMS OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE?
Not all survivors are open about their experiences. Asking them for details can make them feel like you don't believe them. Sometimes asking for details is needed for resources, but make repeated assurances that you believe them, it's not their fault, they don't have to apologize, and that what they experienced wasn't okay.
I had an advocate tell me, "Ideally you would have reported the abuse after it happened." And despite them probably not meaning anything ill by it, this was life-crushing for me to hear. Here I was trying to do the right thing and advocate for myself, only to learn I had done one more thing wrong. Please be very careful with the words and language you use when speaking to survivors.
HOW HAS SPEAK YOUR TRUTH TODAY AFFECTED YOUR JOURNEY OUT OF ABUSE AND TOWARDS HEALING?
I founded Speak Your Truth Today about 1 month before my divorce was finalized, and so it was critical to my healing and recovery. Thankfully we put a volunteer team in place who allowed me to focus on my own healing for a time before taking over a leadership role. The group was always a place I could come to on my worst days and be uplifted. The encouragement from "strangers" on the internet who knew exactly what I was going through was powerful and instrumental in my healing. I actually think I had a quicker path to recovery because of the support I received from my SYTT fam. I think like many of our members, just knowing it's there and that I can lean into it for support if and when I have more to unpack is comforting..
ARE THERE ANY RESOURCES THAT WERE PARTICULARLY HELPFUL THROUGHOUT THIS PROCESS? LET’S SHOUT THEM OUT!
Not really to be honest. The Family Advocacy Program with the Air Force did NOTHING for me despite making so many calls. I've heard they've been helpful for others, but the support I received from them was zilch. I eventually gave up calling, it wasn't worth it. It honestly wasn't until I started Speak Your Truth that I got in touch with so many incredible resources out there. SYTT is a great place to start and finding your local agencies at domesticshelters.org.
IN YOUR OPINION, WHAT IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING FOR A SURVIVOR TO HEAR?
What you're experiencing isn't normal, and it's not your fault.
