Nikki’s Story
Freedom Date: March 13, 2014
HOW DID YOU FIRST MEET YOUR ABUSIVE EX-PARTNER? WHAT ATTRACTED YOU IN THE BEGINNING?
I saw him at a wedding reception, but we did not connect. Later that night he walked into the bar I was at. I felt it was fate and I needed to meet him. We were together from that day forward.
WHEN DID THE ABUSE BEGIN AND WHAT KIND OF ABUSE DID YOU EXPERIENCE? HOW DID IT DEVELOP OVER TIME?
The abuse started within the first year. I thought verbal fighting was normal. It turned into control - because I didn’t want to fight so I changed my behavior and that was a slippery slope. Over the years it turned physical, but mostly mental and emotional abuse. It wasn’t until I joined SYTT that I learned I was sexually and financially abused too.
WHAT WAS THE TIPPING POINT FOR YOU? WHEN DID YOU DECIDE THAT YOU NEEDED TO BREAK OFF THE RELATIONSHIP?
We have a son together. I knew when he was 3 years old that our marriage was over, but I didn’t want our son to come from a divorced home. I thought I could ‘act right’ enough and keep our family together. Three years later there was an incident with our son one morning and that was the last straw. My child’s heart and future were worth it (to end it), but my self-worth wasn’t. In hindsight this is very eye opening. I deserved love and respect, just like our son did.
HOW WAS THE PROCESS OF LEAVING THE ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP FOR YOU? WAS THERE ANYTHING DIFFICULT OR CONFUSING ABOUT THE PROCESS?
I met with a divorce attorney previously, so I felt educated on how my county and state laws worked. Leaving for good (I left a few times previously) was scary. He was very volatile and unpredictable, which made nervous.
HOW DID YOUR FRIENDS, FAMILY, AND COMMUNITY RESPOND TO YOU LEAVING THE RELATIONSHIP? WAS THERE ANYTHING PARTICULARLY HELPFUL - OR DIFFICULT - IN THESE RESPONSES?
I think my family and friends were waiting for me to jump and they were there to catch me. I had people giving me household items to get started. They were there to encourage me and reassure me. Court, divorce, sharing my son with my abuser, was so hard but I’m grateful I had support from those around me.
HOW HAS YOUR JOURNEY TOWARDS HEALING DEVELOPED? WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO TELL FELLOW SURVIVORS?
I feel having an attorney is very important. It will protect your rights.
Honor your feelings. Don’t ignore them or pack them away. Forgive yourself. Believe that you are worthy of love. Take time to truly heal.
WHAT, IF ANYTHING, WOULD YOU LIKE TO TELL ADVOCATES ABOUT HELPING VICTIMS OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE?
I was free before SYTT, but I have learned so much.
Facts are not feelings.
Healing is not linear.
Give yourself grace.
Self-care is so important and it’s not being selfish to make yourself a priority.
NO is a complete sentence and deserves to be heard and respected, without an explanation.
HOW HAS SPEAK YOUR TRUTH TODAY AFFECTED YOUR JOURNEY OUT OF ABUSE AND TOWARDS HEALING?
Finding SYTT literally saved me. After my divorce, I was at a lower point than most will ever know. Finding validation, being believed, gaining clarity and education on abuse has been healing in a way I never thought possible.
ARE THERE ANY RESOURCES THAT WERE PARTICULARLY HELPFUL THROUGHOUT THIS PROCESS? LET’S SHOUT THEM OUT!
I didn’t know DV shelters offered services when I left. I thought it was housing assistance. I would have reached out for free legal counsel and guidance with handling and staying safe from my abuser.
IN YOUR OPINION, WHAT IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING FOR A SURVIVOR TO HEAR?
You can be happy. You are lovable. You are not damaged. Feelings are temporary, it may hurt now but it will get better. Don’t give up, you are worth it.
