Lisa’s Story
Freedom Date: November 22, 2016
HOW DID YOU FIRST MEET YOUR ABUSIVE EX-PARTNER? WHAT ATTRACTED YOU IN THE BEGINNING?
My first week of college we met at a campus Christian fellowship meeting. We were introduced by a friend of his and he walked me back to my dorm. I assumed he would be a safe person since we met through a Christian entity. Up to this point, I had very little dating experience, so after two dates where he walked me back to my dorm – I was hooked.
WHEN DID THE ABUSE BEGIN AND WHAT KIND OF ABUSE DID YOU EXPERIENCE? HOW DID IT DEVELOP OVER TIME?
It was gradual – boundary testing and love bombing. Although I didn’t recognize it as abuse at the time. We were THE couple on campus. If we weren't at an event, folks were banging on my door asking where we were. Everyone wanted to be like us.
He and I broke up after graduation. However, he literally showed up years later at my parent’s doorstep when I moved there to take care of my mother who was dying of cancer. Cue the love bombing again...we were engaged just months after she passed away on his birthday. It slowly escalated to psychological, verbal (swearing and bullying), and physical abuse.
He would manipulate me and use intimidation knowing that the local DV shelter was not wheelchair accessible at the time, leaving me without a quick escape.
My abuser enjoyed making me fear for my life, but then making me get my emotions together before seeing any of our friends. He enjoyed humiliating degrading and making me fear for my life. One time he refused to help me accessibility wise (couldn’t get into a bathroom) and I had an accident – he enjoyed the ability to control things.
More than a year before I left, I had a disassociation episode and lost hours of time. By the end of that day, I tried to leave and went to my church group for help, and they didn’t support me. So, I figured if they didn’t believe me or think that he is a good man being with a disabled woman, I thought I deserved to stay and just end up being killed. In fact, I am a strangulation survivor. He would put his hands on my throat and say things like, “you know how easily I can kill you” and once I replied, “just f*cking do it then and get it over with” – I was at that point where I didn’t care if I lived or died.
Eight years later it was my birthday eve, we went to dinner – he had to work on my actual birthday – and we began to argue over him wanting to go to a friend’s house that night. Prior to this night, he would leave for three hours or more and I never knew what he was doing or if he was dead somewhere. So, I wasn’t fond of him going back to his friend’s house on my birthday eve and I muttered the statement “well happy f*cking birthday to me” and he replied with “you have only been ruining my birthday for the last eight f*cking years.” And immediately after he said that I unloaded on him. The last thing I said was – I know how long you spend at your friend’s house, and I will be gone before you get back.
WHAT WAS THE TIPPING POINT FOR YOU? WHEN DID YOU DECIDE THAT YOU NEEDED TO BREAK OFF THE RELATIONSHIP?
I tried leaving three times. The first time I stayed for a month at a friend’s place to try and make sense of the relationship. The second attempt I sought help from our church and was told to go home and be a better wife. They made it obvious that they had him on a pedestal as a non-disabled man in a relationship with a visibly disabled woman. By that point I knew that it may end in him killing me as I'd already been strangled to the point of near unconsciousness.
That same night after the sexual abuse, financial abuse, manipulation, isolation, when I realized that he was going to throwing my mother’s death from cancer back in my face, I was done.
I stayed with a relative that was a former cop in a place that wouldn’t ever allow my ex to just casually be in the area. If he showed up it was intentional and that proved harassment.
Spent my birthday hunting for an attorney.
HOW WAS THE PROCESS OF LEAVING THE ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP FOR YOU? WAS THERE ANYTHING DIFFICULT OR CONFUSING ABOUT THE PROCESS?
Very difficult. The local DV facility at the time was NOT wheelchair accessible and he used that to manipulate me into staying. He told me if I went to stay with someone else that I would be a burden to them, and no one would help me due to my disability.
Now the facility is accessible, and I encourage anyone to go there.
Having legal support and backing (validating my story) from a professional person helped me fight for certain consequences for him for refusing to comply with certain court orders. While it was the bare minimum of support, I needed something, and this was it.
HOW DID YOUR FRIENDS, FAMILY, AND COMMUNITY RESPOND TO YOU LEAVING THE RELATIONSHIP? WAS THERE ANYTHING PARTICULARLY HELPFUL - OR DIFFICULT - IN THESE RESPONSES?
Most of my family were great. Other folks outside of my family, not so much. Many questioned my ability to know what domestic violence truly is. Most tried to justify his actions and tell me it couldn't have been that bad...after all, why would he be with someone like me if he wasn't a good man?!?! As if he must be a Saint to be with someone with a disability and “maybe he was just tired of taking care of me” – utter nonsense.
HOW HAS YOUR JOURNEY TOWARDS HEALING DEVELOPED? WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO TELL FELLOW SURVIVORS?
Validation was rare outside my family until I found SYTT. But know this – there is NEVER an excuse for abuse. Your disability didn't cause it, there's NOTHING you do to deserve abuse.
Educate yourself on healthy relationships and know that you are deserving of a peaceful, loving, committed, happy relationship.
WHAT, IF ANYTHING, WOULD YOU LIKE TO TELL ADVOCATES ABOUT HELPING VICTIMS OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE?
Educate yourself on the nuances of abuse towards those with disabilities. Abusers use a completely different set of tactics. We have different barriers, complex needs and shame/ ableist mentalities are deeply influenced by our abusers.
The big thing is doing what we already do in SYTT, calling things what they are – some people may not notice the more subtle forms of abuse – be clear in what is happening and know what types of abuse are out there. Validating that anything that feels wrong is probably wrong.
ARE THERE ANY RESOURCES THAT WERE PARTICULARLY HELPFUL THROUGHOUT THIS PROCESS? LET’S SHOUT THEM OUT!
SYTT and the admin crew!! ☺
Looking into other healing options such as EMDR could be beneficial.
IN YOUR OPINION, WHAT IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING FOR A SURVIVOR TO HEAR?
I believe you. What’s happening to you is not your fault and you don’t have to live like this.
