Jax’s Story
I remember the first time so vividly. The first time he put the blame on me, the first time he made me think I was the crazy, irrational one, the first time I begged for his forgiveness. We were enjoying dinner, dancing and drinks at a local restaurant before I had to leave for a week-long work trip. There was a man who kept approaching me, making me uncomfortable and I looked at my boyfriend for support and to help get me out of the situation. My boyfriend turned it around, he blamed me as if I was asking for attention, accused me of flirting back with the man and then my boyfriend left me at the restaurant.
That was only 5 weeks into our relationship, 5 weeks. (He would move into my house only a short 2 weeks later.)
What I didn’t know was this was the line, the line that would continue to be crossed further and further until I completely lost all sense of my self-worth, my happiness and my trust.
The 2nd “blowout” happened 3 months into my relationship and this time was in front of my sister. Same problem again, accusations and blame. I remember begging him to stop since my sister was there, she even tried to stand up to him. Nothing worked. After that my sister didn’t talk to me for months.
This is how it was for 3 years. Name calling (I would be a millionaire for all the times I heard “fat bitch”), blame shifting, manipulation, accusations of cheating, undervaluing my career, sabotaging plans, driving rifts between family and friends. He would even threaten to call the police on me for being “out of control” and “crazy” when I tried to stand up for myself.
I went from being a happy, social, confident, healthy woman who could run 10kms in her sleep to gaining over 75 lbs, becoming so self conscious about every move, binge drinking and staying away from social situations because it caused way too many problems.
Then my son was born. It was a “happy accident”. I thought this would be the purpose in our relationship. It only became worse, now I was to blame if the baby was cranky, if bottles were dirty, if I disrupted my boyfriend’s sleep by caring for the baby.
I remember the last time. I had worked all day while my boyfriend was home (he had been jobless our entire relationship), I went straight to my parents to get my son, went grocery shopping and came home. I would have to carry my son and groceries in (like most of the time) and all my boyfriend would care about was “Did I get his bourbon?” When I said “no”, he hastily went to the store so he could “unwind”. Since I had to work the next day, I put the baby to sleep and I went to bed. I remember waking up at midnight and hearing him say to OUR SON “Shut the f*ck up, I’m in charge” while my son was crying in his arms. I went to see what’s going on and the response was “Keep being a fat bitch.” That’s when it all changed. I felt that he could say all of that to me, I can take it, I’m strong enough but he CANNOT talk to our innocent 4-month old son that way. I have to protect him.
When my boyfriend finally passed out at around 3AM that night, I quietly packed my things, my son’s things and grabbed my precious Bichon mix Bella and drove to my parents house. The next morning I went to work as if nothing happened.
I started my new chapter right then and there. It was a rough couple of years navigating a co-parenting relationship with a narcissist. And I’m not going to lie, there were times where I considered going back because it was going to be so much easier but he proved to me multiple times that nothing had changed.
Now, my son is part of a very loving family with my husband who loves him as his own son.
My ex is still lonely and still a narcissist.
As for me, I have a lot of trauma to unpack (not only from this but from other past experiences) so I’m in weekly intense therapy, I’m letting my trauma be free so I can feel lighter and just taking it day by day.
I’m sharing this story because sometimes domestic violence is not physical, sometimes it’s not “name calling”, it’s a slow burn of manipulation and gaslighting and that trauma can be just as difficult to overcome.
