Jennifer’s Story
Freedom Date: July 7, 2012
HOW DID YOU FIRST MEET YOUR ABUSIVE EX-PARTNER? WHAT ATTRACTED YOU IN THE BEGINNING?
I was 19 when I met my first abuser. We were married just three short months after we met. He was handsome, successful, and extremely charming!
I married my last abuser after becoming pregnant while dating. I knew it was a mistake, but family insisted we marry. In both circumstances, I mistook love bombing among other red flags, as a sign of how much they loved me.
WHEN DID THE ABUSE BEGIN AND WHAT KIND OF ABUSE DID YOU EXPERIENCE? HOW DID IT DEVELOP OVER TIME?
The abuse started almost immediately with my first husband, after I had threatened to leave. I tried backing out of the wedding, but family insisted I go through with it. The screaming and yelling eventually turned physical. He was a football player with anger issues, especially if drugs or alcohol was involved.
The abuse with my second husband was much more subtle in the beginning. I can only compare it to a slow leaking faucet. The small drips, one at a time, are not alarming, but eventually those drips can fill a sink and cause damage. The abuse I suffered with him was emotional, financial, and sexual. Somehow being forced to have sex by knifepoint, no access to finances, and having to ask permission for everything, became normal.
WHAT WAS THE TIPPING POINT FOR YOU? WHEN DID YOU DECIDE THAT YOU NEEDED TO BREAK OFF THE RELATIONSHIP?
I knew I had to leave my first husband after he broke my nose. My gut told me if I didn't, things would only get worse. That marriage only lasted four years.
It took 16 years with my second abuser. I tried leaving multiple times, but somehow was always convinced by empty promises, to stay, for the kids. The final straw was when I was having a tattoo done on my back. My artist asked me why I was getting that particular tattoo (day of the dead portrait). My answer was, "It represents all my grandparents who have passed, it's like they have my back and are protecting me." She replied, "From what?" It was that moment, that I realized I was getting a tattoo to protect me from my husband. The lightbulb went off, and it was very clear to me that I needed to leave. When I got home from my first sitting at the tattoo parlor, his response was, "I did NOT give you permission to get something THAT big!". So oddly enough, my tattoo was the catalyst.
HOW WAS THE PROCESS OF LEAVING THE ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP FOR YOU? WAS THERE ANYTHING DIFFICULT OR CONFUSING ABOUT THE PROCESS?
Both times, I made the decision to leave and then just did it.
Although the second time took 16 years and several attempts. I spent most of them trying to figure out how to survive financially if I left. With the second abuser, it was six days before our 16th anniversary and he asked what I wanted as a gift, I said, "A divorce." I knew I had to blindside him.
Everything was terrifying, both times I left my abusers. I had no idea how I would survive. I took a blind leap of faith when leaving them both. It was better to lose everything and struggle, than to endure one more day of the abuse.
My second abuser had me convinced that I could not survive without him, and he was right. I stopped surviving and learned to thrive!
HOW DID YOUR FRIENDS, FAMILY, AND COMMUNITY RESPOND TO YOU LEAVING THE RELATIONSHIP? WAS THERE ANYTHING PARTICULARLY HELPFUL - OR DIFFICULT - IN THESE RESPONSES?
Unfortunately, it was family who insisted I stay, so I not only ended my relationship with my abusers, but also with some family members. I was not allowed to have many friends while with my abusers, but the ones we had as a couple, all sided with him, so I lost those too.
However, after I left, there were some family/friends, who came out of the woodwork to support me. They became my lifeline. It seemed that everything had become divided into – those who believed me and those who didn't. Once I learned that I could not control what they believed, I stopped trying to convince those who did not believe me.
HOW HAS YOUR JOURNEY TOWARDS HEALING DEVELOPED? WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO TELL FELLOW SURVIVORS?
I had to unlearn being the person I had become and re-learn to be me. I used to love who I was, so I spent my time learning how to do that.
I was so embarrassed that I had gone through two abusive marriages, I was determined to figure out WHY. Therapy helped me discover these reasons. Once I realized the "WHY", it all made sense and I was able to give myself grace and forgiveness. I stopped listening to his voice inside my head telling me, "You are ugly, fat, worthless. You are nothing without me." I strongly recommend doing everything and anything in your power, to find healing before entering a new relationship. Otherwise, we can just fall right into the patterns we are familiar with. That's what I did.
There is no shame in reaching out for help and there is no shame in claiming your voice to speak your truth.
WHAT, IF ANYTHING, WOULD YOU LIKE TO TELL ADVOCATES ABOUT HELPING VICTIMS OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE?
Every person's story is different, it can be an overwhelmingly lonely experience, but even if just one person is willing to listen and believe – it makes a huge difference.
HOW HAS SPEAK YOUR TRUTH TODAY AFFECTED YOUR JOURNEY OUT OF ABUSE AND TOWARDS HEALING?
As one of the first Admin's in Speak Your Truth, I have learned so much through the training we have received, through all the members, and through my own story. So, while I have healed, I am constantly still learning.
I made a promise to myself a long time ago – that I would do everything I could to help others going through abuse. Speak Your Truth has allowed me to fulfill that promise.
ARE THERE ANY RESOURCES THAT WERE PARTICULARLY HELPFUL THROUGHOUT THIS PROCESS? LET’S SHOUT THEM OUT!
Citizens Against Domestic Abuse (CADA) was tremendously helpful to me! I'm not sure I would have found the help I needed without them!
IN YOUR OPINION, WHAT IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING FOR A SURVIVOR TO HEAR?
I think the most important to hear is, "I believe you; you are not alone!"
