JLH’s Story
Freedom Date: June 2, 2016
HOW DID YOU FIRST MEET YOUR ABUSIVE EX-PARTNER? WHAT ATTRACTED YOU IN THE BEGINNING?
My abuser and I met when we were teenagers. We were both around 15 years old and we went on a double date. We had a group of shared friends, but we didn’t interact one-on-one often.
Fast forward to 2012, I had just left a year-long relationship (not with my abuser, we’ll call the first ex…Christian – although that was not his name) and learned that Christian was friends with the man I met as a teenager. The man (my abuser later on in life) would call my phone to get in touch with Christian often, but one time I told him that Christian and I were no longer together and gave him a number to reach him at. This opened the door for communication with my ex-abuser. We began a long-distance friendship that grew into a relationship.
We eventually got married, quickly I might add. Red flag.
Looking back, I am not sure what attracted me to him in the beginning. Maybe our shared loneliness led us to each other. Maybe it was how easy it was to talk to him or how comfortable it was to be myself with him. I could be goofy, or sad, or angry and he always listened. We told each other stories we never told anyone else. We had inside jokes with each other and shared doodles with one another. He encouraged me to do my best. But he was also very possessive. I thought it was endearing at the time, but looking back, it was another red flag.
In the beginning it was easy to be around him and that’s what I thought our relationship would always be like.
WHEN DID THE ABUSE BEGIN AND WHAT KIND OF ABUSE DID YOU EXPERIENCE? HOW DID IT DEVELOP OVER TIME?
My abuser was disliked by many people because they said he had a propensity for violence. I never really believed he was that violent because I had not seen it myself, but I soon began to see the truth.
Looking back, I can say there were many red flags that I brushed off as poor personality traits because I let the good overshadow the bad. I made excuses for him – like maybe he was just having a bad day, or maybe he is just naturally angrier than others. He would become increasingly annoyed when I would give him advice on how to live a life as a ‘now-married man’, how to handle money, or how to look for a job. It was like he thought I was challenging his intellect or common sense.
He would mock me when I would cry. He used my emotions to gaslight me into thinking I was crazy and would tell anyone who would listen to “not listen to me because I was crazy.” He isolated me from all my friends, and called me names – stupid, homely, embarrassing.
My family even thought he was a great guy, but he was a man with many faces.
I was once very social but had become insecure and reclusive, a shell of my former self. I was ashamed and embarrassed that I let it go this far, but I was simply young and naive. He became physically violent once we moved into a home an hour away from family and friends. At this point, I felt like this was normal behavior.
It’s odd to think that I was happy he was no longer super emotionally abusive and had submitted to the fact that I was now his punching bag. His belonging.
WHAT WAS THE TIPPING POINT FOR YOU? WHEN DID YOU DECIDE THAT YOU NEEDED TO BREAK OFF THE RELATIONSHIP?
I decided to leave when I became suspicious of him cheating and realized the abuse had taken a toll on my mind and body – I even quit eating. One of my friends reached out and asked if I needed help. I opened up to them and became vulnerable for the first time in a long time.
Eventually, she decided to help me get evidence of his cheating by creating a fake profile on a dating app, found him and matched him. They began talking, fraudulently, and she sent me all the screenshots. I pulled up his call-logs, and one-by-one, we called each number or messaged their social media pages. I had more confirmation that he was cheating on me. After gathering all of this information, I asked my friend for advice, and she told me to leave.
After a few days of going back-and-forth on whether he cheated or not, I finally just told him I was done with the relationship. He eventually confessed and we agreed a divorce was the best option. A week later, we started moving his things out of our shared apartment. I thought leaving was going to be easy. This was all it took? Things were fine for a while…until they weren’t.
HOW WAS THE PROCESS OF LEAVING THE ABUSE FOR YOU? WAS THERE ANYTHING DIFFICULT OR CONFUSING ABOUT THIS PROCESS?
In 2016 at 8:00 p.m., four months after I had evicted my abuser and filed for divorce, he knocked on my door. Knowing I lived alone, he covered the peephole to scare me. He did things like that. He convinced me to let him in to get a few things we had not settled on during the split.
We sat down and talked but then he attacked me. He physically assaulted me, spit on me, tried to cut my throat… he destroyed everything in my home, throwing a tantrum like a toddler. All because I would not accept him back into my life.
The person I thought I knew was now nothing to me. How could someone who cried, asking to come back to me moments before, try to end my life within minutes?
A few days later I called the police after he wouldn’t leave me alone at my job. He called and harassed me incessantly. I blocked him, so he started emailing me at my job. I regret not filing a police report on the same day of the assault and attempted murder, but I was terrified of going back thinking he was sitting, waiting to hurt me again. The police did not believe me at first because I waited days to report the incident. However, once they walked into my wrecked apartment – that I left untouched for two days – they started taking things seriously.
That was very frustrating for me. I had visible bruises on my body but had a police officer asked me if I got them when maybe I bumped into something. That maybe I was clumsy.
HOW DID YOUR FRIENDS, FAMILY, AND COMMUNITY RESPOND TO YOU LEAVING THE RELATIONSHIP? WAS THERE ANYTHING PARTICULARLY HELPFUL - OR DIFFICULT - IN THESE RESPONSES?
When I left the relationship, my friends were very supportive. They had watched me change when through my social media posts like it was my diary because he had convinced me I had no friends, no one to turn to. When in fact, people did see me, hear me, and wanted the best for me. They just didn’t know how to reach out or thought it wasn’t their place to intervene.
My family was harder to convince. I secretly been able to record a video of the violence against me that night. That is when they saw his true colors. June 2016, a police officer called me and told me they had him in custody. That was the longest year – waiting on a conviction.
In the end, he had convinced his next target I was crazy, once again, and she used all her resources to help get him the shortest sentence allowed by law. They intimidated me. I eventually agreed to a plea bargain with a trade that he was never allowed to contact me or my family ever again.
People were generally happy for me after the outcome of the court case and my best friend, who was with me throughout the relationship through to the end and beyond, fought many battles for me. She spoke for me when I had no voice or when I was too tired or ashamed to explain myself or tell my story to others. She gave me the confidence to find myself again and told me I was a survivor, not a victim. That statement still sticks with me today.
HOW HAS YOUR JOURNEY TOWARDS HEALING DEVELOPED? WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO TELL FELLOW SURVIVORS?
I have now moved on with my life after meeting a man who accepts me for who I am. He accepts all of me, including the trauma that impacts my daily life.
I am a proud mother, a loving wife, and a friend to those in need.
I unconditionally love, for I have felt the pain of conditional love. I love hard!
I will never give up, I will continue to tell my story, and I will always fight for what is right. My daughter will never go through what I went through. I will not fail her like I was failed.
You must always trust yourself and never waver even when all the odds are against you. I am resilient and so are you.
WHAT, IF ANYTHING, WOULD YOU LIKE TO TELL ADVOCATES ABOUT HELPING VICTIMS OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE?
When you are in a relationship where someone puts you down constantly, makes you question yourself or your sanity – it’s a red flag. Physical abuse can almost definitely follow the emotional abuse. Do not let it escalate or ignore a person’s cry for help.
Do not be afraid to reach out to someone who is posting on social media about the pain they are experiencing in their relationship.
Do not be afraid to be their voice or an ear to listen. Sometimes, all someone needs is to be heard. For their story to be told so they can believe in themselves and use that power to leave an abusive situation.
People in abusive relationships can be in denial about their situation. Simply checking in regularly with someone you may be concerned about can help open the door for communication. Once someone is comfortable with being vulnerable about their situation and no longer think you are just being nosy, they may be more open to listening to your concerns, ultimately finding the courage to leave by building a friendship with you.
Finally, understand that every situation is unique and should be treated as such.
HOW HAS SPEAK YOUR TRUTH TODAY AFFECTED YOUR JOURNEY OUT OF ABUSE AND TOWARDS HEALING?
Speak Your Truth Today has proven that I am not alone in my fight for justice. Other survivors’ stories have touched my soul and made me want to shout louder than ever. The strongest people must fight through adversity to flourish. We nourish each other’s spirits by telling our stories. We speak our truth by empowering others.
ARE THERE ANY RESOURCES THAT WERE PARTICULARLY HELPFUL THROUGHOUT THE PROCESS?
Throughout my struggle in leaving and beyond, the most helpful resource for me was my local mental health wellness clinic. They were able to see my quickly and provide free counseling and psychiatric services so I could heal my mind and spirit. I was also blessed with a district attorney who worked tirelessly on my case. He offered free counseling and set me up with a victim advocate who worked to fight for me. She always answered her phone. I met with a psychiatrist who has long bi-yearly sessions with me where he listens and advises me that all my feelings are valid. He has helped me flourish and work through the growing-pains I have experienced in my healing journey.
IN YOUR OPINION, WHAT IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING FOR A SURVIVOR TO HEAR?
In my opinion, the most important thing a survivor can hear is that they are not alone, as cliche as that sounds and that they are courageous, tough, and resilient. We all need to be heard and seen as survivors, not victims.
