Tom’s Story

Freedom Date: July 15, 1999

HOW DID YOU FIRST MEET YOUR ABUSIVE EX-PARTNER? WHAT ATTRACTED YOU IN THE BEGINNING?  

I met her when she was introduced to me by my friend – as his new girlfriend. However, I didn't really notice her until a few months after they broke up. 

She had these huge eyes that seemed to look through me. We both went to the same party, and she just randomly sat next to me and kissed me. It was weird and awesome at the same time.

WHEN DID THE ABUSE BEGIN AND WHAT KIND OF ABUSE DID YOU EXPERIENCE? HOW DID IT DEVELOP OVER TIME?

We were married in July and a few months later, in November, it was like a switched flipped and she was a totally different person. All the things we used to do she now refused to do – church, movies, concerts, dancing – basically doing anything with me. 

We moved four times. Eventually we lost each of our friends. This was before the internet, before social apps, before Facebook, before cell phones. Back when we were first married, it was harder to maintain friendships when you moved.

If we went to a mall, she wouldn't walk on the same side as me. She would say things like "you embarrass me,” "I don't like the way you look," "no one else could ever want to be with someone so ugly." 

At home, she would not even sit on the couch next to me. Often getting up and sitting across the room in a chair all the while glaring in my general direction. 

On my 30th birthday my family planned a huge surprise party, and she picked a fight with me that day, about nothing, and then did not attend the party. 

By the time we had two children, ages seven and two, the abuse was more obvious. On Christmas day there were many gifts for her and the kids, but not even one for me. It’s not that I need gifts, it’s the fact that my wife and mother of my children didn’t care enough to even help our children make or give me anything as I had done for her, as spouses do for each other in healthy relationships. 

One day I left work early because I was sick and found her outside sunbathing – while both kids were locked in a bedroom. That was the day I found out my older son was supposed to watch his younger sister. Again, according to her, this was my fault, although, I can't exactly remember why. 

My favorite things would often go missing, my best shirt, coffee mug, baseball cards, records, electronic race cars. If I asked her, she would get mad at me for even asking, and never give an answer. I never found any of those things. 

I had to continuously walk on eggshells around her for fear of what could happen. The happy person that I used to be became sad and stuck in a continual loop of trying to do something, anything, to please her or make her happy.

WHAT WAS THE TIPPING POINT FOR YOU? WHEN DID YOU DECIDE THAT YOU NEEDED TO BREAK OFF THE RELATIONSHIP?

My life now was like being stuck in a snow globe of always being unwanted. I honestly never thought of leaving. I relented that this was just the life I now lived. I married her. This is my life. 

Then, one day my kids and I were visiting my grandmother and while we were gone, she left! Taking anything she wanted – the bed, pots, pans, silverware, clothes, and even the cat. She left me a note on the kitchen table under a vase of flowers, that I had bought her, that read, “Tell the kids I'm on vacation, until you can find a better excuse.”

A few months later we went to court and I was awarded $150 dollars a week for child support. She immediately quit her $45k a year job to avoid paying the support.

HOW WAS THE PROCESS OF LEAVING THE ABUSE FOR YOU? WAS THERE ANYTHING DIFFICULT OR CONFUSING ABOUT THIS PROCESS?

Difficult times a thousand and I’m not sure that even describes it well enough. Suddenly I had to raise an eight-year-old boy and a three-year-old girl, alone. 

The kids held on to me so tight that night. I did not have any answers they wanted. 

I took the next day off to find a daycare when a sheriff knocked on the door. We were getting evicted for nonpayment of the last three months of rent. She oversaw paying all the bills. So, in addition to the other abusive behaviors, I could now add financial abuse to the list.

HOW DID YOUR FRIENDS, FAMILY, AND COMMUNITY RESPOND TO YOU LEAVING THE RELATIONSHIP? WAS THERE ANYTHING PARTICULARLY HELPFUL - OR DIFFICULT - IN THESE RESPONSES?

Those you should be able to have in your corner, were not for me. 

Family kept their distance, unable to understand how this could happen. They looked at me as if I was to blame. Everything came back to ' what did I do to cause this.' 

No one helped. Especially not my parents who were afraid they would be asked to watch my kids. 

Friends ran from me as they didn't know how to deal with me. I didn't fit in with the couple crowd anymore. I could walk into a party full of friends and the men would immediately attach themselves to their spouses, like I was the enemy or competition. 

A friend I hadn't seen in a dozen years called out of the blue and said, “I heard your wife left, do you have her number?” He had always liked her apparently. How was he ever a friend of mine? 

Work was horrible as well. Someone started a rumor by joking that my wife left me for the pizza delivery guy. After a few weeks of this workplace harassment, I gave my notice. I had to leave a job I had for eight years, without another job to go to, because it was piled on every day and I just needed to move on.

HOW HAS YOUR JOURNEY TOWARDS HEALING DEVELOPED? WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO TELL FELLOW SURVIVORS? 

Remember it is a journey. 

Try to move forward in any way you can. Even for a minute or an hour, it all counts. 

Stop looking back and wishing you had done things differently. Nothing you could have done would have changed anything. None of this was your fault, so don't beat yourself up so much. 

Make a list of good things in your life - write them down. Nothing is too small to include on the list. Put the list in the bathroom so you can see it every morning.

Good things are coming your way! Please look for them.

WHAT, IF ANYTHING, WOULD YOU LIKE TO TELL ADVOCATES ABOUT HELPING VICTIMS OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE?

Make sure you hear what the person tells you. Everyone can listen but not all can understand what someone might need. Active listening skills are essential during this time. 

Be patient. Victims often won't share the hardest things because they cause the most pain to recall.

Follow up with them. Keep engaging with them or you'll just be abandoning a victim like everyone else.

HOW HAS SPEAK YOUR TRUTH TODAY AFFECTED YOUR JOURNEY OUT OF ABUSE AND TOWARDS HEALING?

Knowing I am not alone helps. Having others that listen and care warms my heart. 

Speak Your Truth is like a force that helps us share our pain. Just to be able to hand your heart ache off to others, even for a moment, is incredible… 

To all of those at SYTT and within the group, “Thank you everyone for all that you do.”

IN YOUR OPINION, WHAT IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING FOR A SURVIVOR TO HEAR?

I hear you and I care.