Kristin’s Story
Freedom Date: August 2001
HOW DID YOU FIRST MEET YOUR ABUSIVE EX-PARTNER? WHAT ATTRACTED YOU IN THE BEGINNING?
My abuser was my first husband. We went to school together for years and started dating when we were both 18 years old. He was always the “cool guy” at school, and I was just excited that he liked me.
WHEN DID THE ABUSE BEGIN AND WHAT KIND OF ABUSE DID YOU EXPERIENCE? HOW DID IT DEVELOP OVER TIME?
Shortly after we started dating, he began to abuse me emotionally and verbally. A few months later he slapped me across the face for the first time but convinced me it was my fault because I “pushed his buttons” – that he would never do something like that if I hadn’t pushed him to it. Sadly, I ended up consoling him for hurting me.
The abuse progressed over a ten-year period to violent physical assaults. He choked and punched me and even broke my nose to the point of requiring surgery.
WHAT WAS THE TIPPING POINT FOR YOU? WHEN DID YOU DECIDE THAT YOU NEEDED TO BREAK OFF THE RELATIONSHIP?
During one of my abuser’s violent outbursts – he was choking me and hitting me in the face – my oldest son ran into the room. He was only four years old at the time, but he jumped on my husband’s back to try to protect and save me. My husband was startled by my son’s action, which gave me the moment needed to grab my son and run out of the house to my neighbors who called 911.
This incident made me fearful that my son would be hurt so it finally awakened me to the need to leave.
HOW WAS THE PROCESS OF LEAVING THE ABUSE FOR YOU? WAS THERE ANYTHING DIFFICULT OR CONFUSING ABOUT THIS PROCESS?
I had difficulty navigating the criminal justice system – it was a maze to me.
I am a professional and educated woman, but I didn't know or understand what I needed to communicate to judges to get the protective orders I needed. My request for restraining orders was denied several times until I finally got help filling out the paperwork the way the courts need. Later I was granted 5 year no contact orders twice. My abuser stalked me for years and eventually received felony stalking charges and served time.
I also received resistance from the family court mediator even in the face of police reports. She didn't seem to know how to deal with my case or how to respond when I asked for supervised visits. I did get assistance from my local shelter program who helped me navigate it and get what we needed to be protected.
HOW DID YOUR FRIENDS, FAMILY, AND COMMUNITY RESPOND TO YOU LEAVING THE RELATIONSHIP? WAS THERE ANYTHING PARTICULARLY HELPFUL - OR DIFFICULT - IN THESE RESPONSES?
It was difficult to find support.
A police officer once said he wasn’t going to bother helping me because, “you will just go back anyway.”
Sadly, I did not have much in terms of family support either. In fact, I was uninvited to two different holiday celebrations because my family didn’t want to see the aftermath of his beatings and told me “It would ruin the holiday for us.”
However, I was lucky to receive excellent support from my local domestic violence program. I was in group therapy and the women there really helped me deal with it. They were a shoulder to cry on. They made me feel supported through my journey out of the relationship.
HOW HAS YOUR JOURNEY TOWARDS HEALING DEVELOPED? WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO TELL FELLOW SURVIVORS?
My advice to other survivors is to reach out and accept the support that you need. There is no shame in getting help, EVERYONE needs help at times.
Remember it takes time, for me it has taken many years. Now I am on the other side and want to show others there is no reason to be afraid or ashamed. WE are not the ones who did something wrong!
You are worthy, you are loved, you deserve this help. And remember one day, your story will help others to leave too...
WHAT, IF ANYTHING, WOULD YOU LIKE TO TELL ADVOCATES ABOUT HELPING VICTIMS OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE?
Meet survivors where they are...they might not be ready in that exact conversation to leave, but you never know how the words that you say now will stay with them, and when they are ready to leave, WILL HELP THEM LEAVE. I had many people talk to me over the years of my abuse and their words echoed through my mind until I gathered that inner strength to move on myself. So, I would tell advocates to have patience and continue to offer your loving support.
I am now an advocate myself. I would tell others to not judge, support victims where they are at and just let them know you are there and willing to support them in whatever they need.
HOW HAS SPEAK YOUR TRUTH TODAY AFFECTED YOUR JOURNEY OUT OF ABUSE AND TOWARDS HEALING?
After many years of healing and now volunteering and being an advocate for domestic violence awareness, I am excited for opportunities like this to publicly share my story. I know it's the only way we can remove the stigma and shame that often surrounds this type of intimate abuse.
I am no longer afraid. I am no longer ashamed. It has taken me many years to reach this healing, and I hope sharing my story in some small way helps others to know...You can do it too!
To SYTT: I am grateful for opportunities like this to share my story and show others they can get out and get help too!
ARE THERE ANY RESOURCES THAT WERE PARTICULARLY HELPFUL THROUGHOUT THE PROCESS?
Local domestic violence programs and services and online support groups.
California Partnership to End DV
NO MORE campaigns
National Domestic Violence Hotline
Local Domestic Violence Shelter in Sacramento – WEAVE
The book "Divorcing a Narcissist: Advice from the Battlefield" by Tina Swithin
IN YOUR OPINION, WHAT IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING FOR A SURVIVOR TO HEAR?
There is hope! You are worthy and you can do this!
You are not alone. You are believed.
