Susie’s Story
Freedom Date: October 19, 2015
HOW DID YOU FIRST MEET YOUR ABUSIVE EX-PARTNER? WHAT ATTRACTED YOU IN THE BEGINNING?
I met my ex-husband thru MySpace in 2005. He had beautiful eyes, was an artist, and I fell for his sob story about having depression and being a lost cause – leading me to want to "help him.”
It moved extremely quick. We professed our love after two weeks and moved in together after only one short month.
He was intelligent, artistically talented, and great with building things.
WHEN DID THE ABUSE BEGIN AND WHAT KIND OF ABUSE DID YOU EXPERIENCE? HOW DID IT DEVELOP OVER TIME?
The verbal abuse began right away whenever I would try to help him with his agoraphobia. He would drastically change moods from loving to angry, degrading to apologetic. He became so needy that it was affecting my whole life – I was not able to visit family or friends, and it even affected my work attendance daily.
Unfortunately, it didn’t stop at verbal abuse. He began to abuse me physically and financially. He went so far as to use weapons and became unfaithful to our relationship. The abuse was the worst it ever had been after I became pregnant with our first child after nine years together. He fell off the wagon and began drinking after 19 years sobriety, increasing the abuse.
WHAT WAS THE TIPPING POINT FOR YOU? WHEN DID YOU DECIDE THAT YOU NEEDED TO BREAK OFF THE RELATIONSHIP?
When my son was only four-weeks old, he had to be admitted to the NICU for failure to thrive, and after 11 days, he was diagnosed with a rare genetic disorder. During those two weeks at the hospital, my ex visited just once. After the visit as I was dropping him off at home, he guilted me into staying with him for a few hours – saying he felt neglected while I was spending so much time at the hospital with our son.
On October 19, 2015, he began abusing me, but this time our 10-month-old was not only present, but he was also in my arms. My baby was scared and crying, and my ex said I had turned our son against him. That same day he threatened "SIDS" on our son as he placed a blanket over his body, insinuating he was going to suffocate him. I felt this was the day I was going to die, because he didn’t care that the windows and door were opened while he hit me. While I had my son in my arms, I managed to run out the door, hide on the side of a neighbor’s garage, and called 911. That was the last day of our abuse and nightmare.
HOW WAS THE PROCESS OF LEAVING THE ABUSE FOR YOU? WAS THERE ANYTHING DIFFICULT OR CONFUSING ABOUT THIS PROCESS?
I really wish I had believed, or known, it would have been as smooth as it was to leave, or I would have been able to leave sooner.
The courts granted me and my son a restraining order against him. They awarded me full and sole custody with no visitations allowed.
I reached out to the California Victims of Crime Program and the provided me with free therapy and relocation money. I had emotional support from family and friends.
It took me some time to realize and accept he was not going to change and that in fact I was a victim of Domestic Violence.
HOW DID YOUR FRIENDS, FAMILY, AND COMMUNITY RESPOND TO YOU LEAVING THE RELATIONSHIP? WAS THERE ANYTHING PARTICULARLY HELPFUL - OR DIFFICULT - IN THESE RESPONSES?
Family and friends, including his own toxic parents, had a bad feeling about him and some had even asked if I was ever abused, but to be honest, I just could not speak up at the time.
Everyone was supportive. Although some had a really hard time understanding how he managed to fool and charm them. The difficulty was in separating myself from his toxic family and gaining the strength to cut them off completely. Accepting having to lose some friendships of friends of his that became mine over the years.
HOW HAS YOUR JOURNEY TOWARDS HEALING DEVELOPED? WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO TELL FELLOW SURVIVORS?
Receiving the free therapy from the Victims of Crime program made all the difference. I sought it right away as I knew I was going to need support as the court hearings followed. I received two years of therapy from that program, and continued with therapy on my own, using my insurance.
My son has also been in therapy since he was 18 months old, with a program Violence Intervention Program, that deals with child victims of abuse. I have tried learning and reading more about surviving abuse from a narcissistic partner and continue to renew my restraining order to help me and my son continue to be safe as we heal.
WHAT, IF ANYTHING, WOULD YOU LIKE TO TELL ADVOCATES ABOUT HELPING VICTIMS OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE?
I believe just continuing to offer support and connecting them with programs that will help make the escape or separation safer and smooth. Hearing from others and realizing just how exact the overall cycle is of abusers, helps me not feel alone and gives hope that all will be okay. Continue to offer emotional and program support to leave safely and get legal help and protection.
HOW HAS SPEAK YOUR TRUTH TODAY AFFECTED YOUR JOURNEY OUT OF ABUSE AND TOWARDS HEALING?
An area I personally would like to expand and improve on is connecting with other survivors and attending support groups. Whenever I read stories or posts about healing from abuse, it just continues to remind me I'm on the right path, I'm not alone, and healing is possible.
To SYTT, thank you for asking to hear our stories, it has always felt like such a burden and have struggled to not feel guilty to make others feel awkward or uncomfortable with sharing all I've had to keep silent all these years. It makes a difference.
ARE THERE ANY RESOURCES THAT WERE PARTICULARLY HELPFUL THROUGHOUT THE PROCESS?
My county's Victims of Crime program made all the difference for me.
IN YOUR OPINION, WHAT IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING FOR A SURVIVOR TO HEAR?
You deserve to heal and live a life without abuse and fear. I am open to listening to what you went through, it is not burdening, and I am here to listen.
