Laura’s Story
Freedom Date: January, 2017
HOW DID YOU FIRST MEET YOUR ABUSIVE EX-PARTNER? WHAT ATTRACTED YOU IN THE BEGINNING?
I was 18 years old and living in my home country of Germany. I had gone out to dinner with a friend, and he and his friends were seated at the table next to us. They eventually started talking to us and we shared a couple of drinks. My abuser was a U.S. Army soldier, very attentive and had a great sense of humor.
We exchanged numbers and we would talk almost none stop – him initiating a lot of the contact – in the beginning, this was, of course, very flattering to me. Almost ever time we saw each other from there on he'd have little gifts for me…which I remember made me feel a bit uncomfortable. There were a lot of little red flags all over, but he was my first boyfriend, and I simply did not know the signs.
WHEN DID THE ABUSE BEGIN AND WHAT KIND OF ABUSE DID YOU EXPERIENCE? HOW DID IT DEVELOP OVER TIME?
The abuse started early in the relationship in the form of love-bombing, arguing, and gaslighting. At the time, though, I did not know these were forms of abuse I was going through.
After we got married, I moved to the United States to be with him. I was completely dependent on him for the first two years until I established my life here. He started threatening me with divorce, to have me deported, or he would say things like "Who would want you anyways, you're an immigrant, a burden. You'd never make it on your own."
The financial abuse started after he left the military. He took away my debit/credit cards and spent the money on what he saw fit – which was mostly stuff he wanted prior to paying bills or buying groceries.
Towards the end of our relationship, after he realized that I started to see through him, the control and abuse got worse. He would decide when and what I could eat. He threatened to kill my dog if I decided to leave. He even threatened me with suicide. It was all very confusing and scary, which made leaving seem like an impossible task.
WHAT WAS THE TIPPING POINT FOR YOU? WHEN DID YOU DECIDE THAT YOU NEEDED TO BREAK OFF THE RELATIONSHIP?
The last year of our relationship I found myself severely depressed. I was basically on autopilot through life – work, come home, eat, sleep, repeat. When he would get in my face to belittle or threaten me, I had no emotions left – I was an empty shell.
I was able to book a three week get away to visit my family in Germany and had two big revelations while there. First, I did not miss him. Nor did I have the urge to talk to him. Second, I felt free, happy, and I was able to laugh again. I realized this was a weird feeling, especially when I thought about how long I went without laughing, it was so noticeable when I did laugh!
The biggest eye opener telling me that I was ready to leave for good was when I came back to the U.S., and he changed his clothes in front of me. He had tons of scratch marks on his back. He admitted he cheated…and all I felt was relief. I told him I was done right then, and I knew I wouldn't change my mind.
HOW WAS THE PROCESS OF LEAVING THE ABUSE FOR YOU? WAS THERE ANYTHING DIFFICULT OR CONFUSING ABOUT THIS PROCESS?
I was initially afraid that I would leave and then go back to him – as it has happened so many times before. But this time was different. My heart and soul were made up and I made him leave.
It was a rather frustrating few months because he initially refused to move out and he did not take me seriously that I was done with the relationship. We went through periods where he'd profusely apologize, cry, and beg me to take him back, but then blow up on me.
It seemed to sink in for him that I truly was done when he saw that I started to bloom again by doing things on my own and no longer needing him. Most importantly, he realized his threats no longer had a hold on me.
HOW DID YOUR FRIENDS, FAMILY, AND COMMUNITY RESPOND TO YOU LEAVING THE RELATIONSHIP? WAS THERE ANYTHING PARTICULARLY HELPFUL - OR DIFFICULT - IN THESE RESPONSES?
I think everyone was truly relieved that I finally left. Both my family and his family were all very understanding and supportive!
I am incredibly grateful for the support system I had to get me through this phase of my life! Especially my current boyfriend, who has been a constant in my life and helped me through some of my darkest times while healing! I even opened up to work about my situation as well. Some of the guys on my team would follow me to the parking lot to make sure he wasn’t out there waiting for me! I didn’t know at the time that they were doing it, but once they told me, I felt nothing but appreciation that they’d go to this length to not only support me but to ensure I was safe.
The two hardest things to hear from some people were "why didn't you leave sooner" and "we never liked him, I'm glad you're out now" – I know people mean well, but I don't think people truly understand how damaging and revictimizing these kinds of statements can be.
HOW HAS YOUR JOURNEY TOWARDS HEALING DEVELOPED?
I had to learn that healing wasn't linear. While I had an amazing support system, there were (sometimes still are) days I struggle hard. The biggest gift I gave myself was therapy! Not only did it teach me a lot, but it continues to be a safe place where I can explore my trauma and learn how my body holds on to and heals from it.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO TELL FELLOW SURVIVORS?
Don't be afraid to share your truth with trusted family and friends! For the longest time I thought my situation was unique and I was embarrassed and ashamed I couldn't find it in me to leave sooner. Once I opened up to those in my life, the support came rushing in – I learned about resources that were available to me, learned about abuse patterns and terminology, and most importantly, I learned that I wasn't alone in this experience - which brought some relief in itself.
HOW HAS SPEAK YOUR TRUTH TODAY AFFECTED YOUR JOURNEY OUT OF ABUSE AND TOWARDS HEALING?
Speak Your Truth gave my trauma a purpose! When I joined the group as a member at its inception, I knew I could give back to so many people that were suffering in silence like I did.
I knew I just had to join the volunteer team and it was one of the best and most rewarding decisions I've made! Turning the pain I carried for so long into compassion and understanding for others has been life changing. Our volunteer team is not only fantastic at cheering on our support group members but has become a second family that 100% has each other's back.
ARE THERE ANY RESOURCES THAT WERE PARTICULARLY HELPFUL THROUGHOUT THE PROCESS?
The Hotline was a literal life safer!
IN YOUR OPINION, WHAT IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING FOR A SURVIVOR TO HEAR?
You're not alone and I/we are here for you!
