Starr’s Story
Freedom Date: July 28, 2018
HOW DID YOU FIRST MEET YOUR ABUSIVE EX-PARTNER? WHAT ATTRACTED YOU IN THE BEGINNING?
Just like so many people do nowadays, I met him on a dating app.
He seemed like a down to earth, sweet country boy. He was very charming and chivalrous – two alluring characteristics I fell for.
WHEN DID THE ABUSE BEGIN AND WHAT KIND OF ABUSE DID YOU EXPERIENCE? HOW DID IT DEVELOP OVER TIME?
Around three months into the relationship we decided to move in together. I was so happy.
This should have been that magical time full of love, joy, and not being able to get enough of each other! Instead, about two months after we started living together the emotional abuse began but didn’t stop there.
One of the scariest parts of being in an abusive relationship is never knowing what will set off your abuser’s anger – walking on eggshells out of safety. This was my norm. My every day.
The abuse eventually progressed to where he would throw things at me or pin me down so he could get in my face. Again, it didn’t stop there.
About one year into the relationship, he would slap me in the face, hard, and even strangled me to the point of passing out – but it didn’t stop there. The worst of the abuse was ahead of me. I’m truly lucky to be alive.
WHAT WAS THE TIPPING POINT FOR YOU? WHEN DID YOU DECIDE THAT YOU NEEDED TO BREAK OFF THE RELATIONSHIP?
At one point a year or so into the relationship, we needed a place to live, and my mom was kind enough to take us in. She has a gorgeous place by a lake. A place of peace and relaxation. We moved in with her over the summer and spent most of our free time swimming.
One beautiful summer day at the lake he went into one of his rages – he held my head underwater and tried to drown me! He was so brazen, attempting to take my life in front of my family!
It was this moment, while underwater and struggling to survive, that I realized things had escalated too far and he might eventually kill me. The scariest part was that he no longer cared who was around to see him do it. He could take my life at any time if I stayed.
I’m incredibly thankful to be alive.
HOW WAS THE PROCESS OF LEAVING THE ABUSE FOR YOU? WAS THERE ANYTHING DIFFICULT OR CONFUSING ABOUT THIS PROCESS?
To be honest, the fact that we lived with my mom made leaving pretty easy, compared to the difficulty of leaving if we weren't living with her.
After the incident where he tried to drown me at the lake, my mom refused to ever let him back in her home. A powerful show of support from my rock, my mom.
The most difficult part of it all was the fact that he knew where I was, since we lived at my mom’s house together. He would show up unannounced and harass me or wait somewhere down the street and stalk me whenever I left the house. Terrifying me as I was trying to break free.
I eventually had to get a restraining order to ensure my safety and keep away from his stalking, harassing behavior.
HOW DID YOUR FRIENDS, FAMILY, AND COMMUNITY RESPOND TO YOU LEAVING THE RELATIONSHIP? WAS THERE ANYTHING PARTICULARLY HELPFUL - OR DIFFICULT - IN THESE RESPONSES?
My mom was my rock during this process. She was everything you dream of a family member doing when you try to get out of an abusive relationship. She was very supportive and was there if I needed to talk or just cry or scream. I am forever grateful for my mom.
HOW HAS YOUR JOURNEY TOWARDS HEALING DEVELOPED? WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO TELL FELLOW SURVIVORS?
The journey is just that. A journey.
At first, I was angry with myself, and I blamed myself for letting it happen. It must have been my fault that I was getting abused, I had to have done something to deserve it, I wasn’t strong enough to stop it…all of the things one might think when they first leave, I probably thought.
With time and a lot of therapy, I was finally able to stop blaming myself.
Therapy has helped me a lot. Just being able to openly talk about what happened and acknowledge it, rather than hide or ignore it, has helped me heal a great deal.
WHAT, IF ANYTHING, WOULD YOU LIKE TO TELL ADVOCATES ABOUT HELPING VICTIMS OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE?
Just be there.
Be there if they want to talk. Be there if they don't want to talk, even if they just want to cry.
Support them and let them know that you truly believe their story.
HOW HAS SPEAK YOUR TRUTH TODAY AFFECTED YOUR JOURNEY OUT OF ABUSE AND TOWARDS HEALING?
Speak Your Truth Today has helped me by encouraging me to share my story through seeing and hearing the stories of other strong survivors!
IN YOUR OPINION, WHAT IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING FOR A SURVIVOR TO HEAR?
You matter. Your story matters. Your life matters, and I believe you!
