Mitch’s Story
Freedom Date: 2016
HOW DID YOU FIRST MEET YOUR ABUSIVE EX-PARTNER? WHAT ATTRACTED YOU IN THE BEGINNING?
We both attended the same gala celebrating the Armed Forces. I was in the U.S. Air Force and she was the plus one of a buddy of mine. I noticed her immediately – purple dress and green eyes. She was with my buddy, so I didn’t approach her. I just appreciated how beautiful she was.
Later that night my buddy told me that she was his cousin and recently moved to the area. He brought her in hopes that she would make friends and feel better about moving away from home. I quickly volunteered to give her a tour of the town and the base.
Her laugh was infectious. You couldn’t be sad around her when she was laughing. She made you smile. I loved how that laugh made me feel. We dated for a few months and married quickly before I was transferred to my next duty station. I did not want to leave her behind.
WHEN DID THE ABUSE BEGIN AND WHAT KIND OF ABUSE DID YOU EXPERIENCE? HOW DID IT DEVELOP OVER TIME?
The first year of marriage was great! Although, I was overseas all but a few months of that time, so I could have imagined it being great. I really can’t recall when it began. It wasn’t what you would call traditional abuse. She never hit me or yelled at me. Later on, I learned the abuse centered around financial control, manipulation, and sexual abuse.
She controlled the finances, always paid the bills, allotted me spending cash, took care of everything. I felt lucky to have a responsible wife handling everything when I would deploy. It was because I felt lucky that I didn’t realize that how she managed the finances was controlling – making me provide receipts for the cash I spent, convince her if I ever needed more than she gave me, wouldn’t let me see the actual bills or give me access to the bank account. I thought it was in both of our names, I found out that she had been automatically transferring my paychecks from our joint account to her own account.
She would screen the calls I made to my friends and family by sitting on my lap so she could hear what they were saying. She would take the phone out of my hand and correct me if she disagreed with something I said. At the time I thought she just had a better memory and was helping me. The reality was she was ensuring I only told them the things she wanted them to hear. She never wanted them to visit and would always have an excuse as to why we couldn’t visit them.
The last type of abuse is what I was most embarrassed about for so long. She would use sex – withholding or initiating – to stop an argument or questions. As a man, I thought I should be happy my wife wanted sex and if she withheld it, there had to be a reason. It wasn’t until I was sitting next to her watching one of her television shows and saw the same sexual manipulation in the woman on tv! I said, “that sounds like you.” And she laughed, “hell yeah, I do whatever I have to get what I want.” This is a joke many women make, but I “heard” it different when she said it this time. I felt violated. But was I allowed to feel that way as a man?
WHAT WAS THE TIPPING POINT FOR YOU? WHEN DID YOU DECIDE THAT YOU NEEDED TO BREAK OFF THE RELATIONSHIP?
We went to a barbecue at one of my buddy’s homes. She never left my side. Except to use the bathroom once. When that happened, my buddy asked why she was stuck to me like glue. I laughed, “she loves me, not my fault if your wife doesn’t want to be with you.” I was joking. He knew it. It was clear his wife loved him. But rather than laugh, he said, “You know dude, something isn’t right about her. We never get to hang out, she always interrupts our calls, she replies to my emails to you.”
I was shocked. My face must have showed how I felt because my buddy said, “You didn’t know?” I shook my head. We went to his office, and he showed me all of his emails to me just talking about guy stuff. Then he showed me her replies. Each one started with, ‘I’m sitting here with Mitch, and he wanted me to type a reply.’
What am I looking at? I have not seen any of these emails. In fact, I didn’t even know he was sending any to me.
I could hear her in the yard asking where I was. She never yelled, but she had a tone that made everyone know she meant business. I quickly rejoined the party by her side. But my mind did not stop thinking about what my buddy showed me.
It was that moment that I started to investigate our finances, got into my email, talked to some other friends and family – I learned she was calling and texting them “on my behalf” as well.
I didn’t know what I was going through was abuse. I went to my Commander who suggested I go see a Chaplain. The Chaplain is the first person who told me what I was experiencing was abusive, controlling behavior and it wasn’t healthy. For my military career, I knew I had to divorce her.
HOW WAS THE PROCESS OF LEAVING THE ABUSE FOR YOU? WAS THERE ANYTHING DIFFICULT OR CONFUSING ABOUT THIS PROCESS?
Easy. I was in the military, and she was not. I filed for divorce with the help of the Chaplain and they pulled her military identification so she did not have access to me. Shortly after that I was transferred to a new duty station.
The hardest part was leaving her. That laugh. Those eyes.
HOW DID YOUR FRIENDS, FAMILY, AND COMMUNITY RESPOND TO YOU LEAVING THE RELATIONSHIP? WAS THERE ANYTHING PARTICULARLY HELPFUL - OR DIFFICULT - IN THESE RESPONSES?
In my case, everyone was very supportive and helped me figure things out. I lost a lot of my money in the divorce, but I always believed it was worth it to escape the controlling behavior I fell victim to.
HOW HAS YOUR JOURNEY TOWARDS HEALING DEVELOPED? WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO TELL FELLOW SURVIVORS?
Not all abuse is obvious. Know the signs. Talk about what’s going on in your relationship. Don’t hide things that feel off.
WHAT, IF ANYTHING, WOULD YOU LIKE TO TELL ADVOCATES ABOUT HELPING VICTIMS OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE?
If you see something abusive, say something. Please. Some of us cannot see it when we are in it and need outside eyes.
HOW HAS SPEAK YOUR TRUTH TODAY AFFECTED YOUR JOURNEY OUT OF ABUSE AND TOWARDS HEALING?
I have not joined the group. My friend is a member and works with SYTT and I follow her posts. She encouraged me to do this blog. I am not ready to relive it reading other people’s stories.
ARE THERE ANY RESOURCES THAT WERE PARTICULARLY HELPFUL THROUGHOUT THE PROCESS?
My Chaplain and my buddy.
IN YOUR OPINION, WHAT IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING FOR A SURVIVOR TO HEAR?
Don’t think it can’t happen to you. Some abusers are so good at what they do, so manipulative, they actually convince you what they are doing is for your own good. If it feels off, it probably is.
