Sarah’s Story
Freedom Date: November 4, 2011
HOW DID YOU FIRST MEET YOUR ABUSIVE EX-PARTNER? WHAT ATTRACTED YOU IN THE BEGINNING?
I first met him when I was 15 at a high school football game. My best friend gave him my number after he continued to harass her for it. Once he had my number he would call/text me constantly trying to meet up, he found out where I lived and I was always scared he would just show up. (He did a few times when I tried to break things off). I thought it was cute and sweet at first to have someone show me attention. I had very low self esteem and was desperate for friends. I was attracted to his funny personality and tough but sweet attitude.
WHEN DID THE ABUSE BEGIN AND WHAT KIND OF ABUSE DID YOU EXPERIENCE? HOW DID IT DEVELOP OVER TIME?
The abuse started very quickly. It started as verbal and emotional abuse, gaslighting me about his whereabouts and the substances he would be using. He would gaslight me about cheating and his prior stints in Juvie. It soon escalated to physical and sexual abuse.
WHAT WAS THE TIPPING POINT FOR YOU? WHEN DID YOU DECIDE THAT YOU NEEDED TO BREAK OFF THE RELATIONSHIP?
I found myself pregnant a few months into the relationship and had soon found out the sad reality of how deeply addicted to drugs my partner was. I realized I was in over my head and needed to come clean. I had been hiding the relationship from my parents - which retrospectively is a huge red flag.
HOW WAS THE PROCESS OF LEAVING THE ABUSE FOR YOU? WAS THERE ANYTHING DIFFICULT OR CONFUSING ABOUT THIS PROCESS?
It was incredibly difficult, I left the relationship several times before I officially cut off contact. I had tried to get my partner clean, encouraging him throughout his detox and treatment stays. I had hoped things would work out and that he would love me and his future child enough to get sober and stop the cheating. It didn’t stop though and I moved briefly out of state for my own protection and mental clarity. This was what made it possible for me to completely end the relationship.
HOW DID YOUR FRIENDS, FAMILY, AND COMMUNITY RESPOND TO YOU LEAVING THE RELATIONSHIP? WAS THERE ANYTHING PARTICULARLY HELPFUL - OR DIFFICULT - IN THESE RESPONSES?
My parents were hugely disappointed and embarrassed that I kept my relationship a secret and was a pregnant teenager. At the time I didn’t know how to tell them all that I had been through, to this day I’m not sure if they know the extent of the abuse. It’s hard to talk about abuse when it’s something you’ve been taught to sweep under the rug and ignore. I lost friendships over getting pregnant and for being in a relationship with someone who was abusing me. My friends couldn’t grasp why it was so hard to get out or why I kept the baby.
HOW HAS YOUR JOURNEY TOWARDS HEALING DEVELOPED? WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO TELL FELLOW SURVIVORS?
It’s been over ten years since I last saw my abuser in person.
It’s taken a long time to feel at peace within my own body again, to feel safe within myself and in my environment. It is a delicate process, don’t ever feel bad for breaking down or sliding back in progress, it happens. Please know it is okay to take it one day at a time.
WHAT, IF ANYTHING, WOULD YOU LIKE TO TELL ADVOCATES ABOUT HELPING VICTIMS OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE?
Thank you. Thank you for showing up and educating people on what is not normal. I think it’s important for victims to understand that abuse happens regardless of the age of perpetrator. My abuser was the same age as me and as an adolescent I didn’t fully grasp that I could be abused by someone my own age, I thought abuse was something that only adults were capable of.
HOW HAS SPEAK YOUR TRUTH TODAY AFFECTED YOUR JOURNEY OUT OF ABUSE AND TOWARDS HEALING?
I never imagined I would share my story, but I did a few years ago within the safety of SYTT support group. I didn’t realize the power of speaking and hearing other stories from others who have gone through similar things until joining the Facebook group. It felt incredibly validating to hear others confirm that what happened was not normal. SYTT has helped me feel less alone and has helped me seek out healthy relationships.
ARE THERE ANY ADDITIONAL RESOURCES THAT WERE PARTICULARLY HELPFUL?
Shoutout to my many therapists through out the years, shout out to Hannah for creating something so huge and life changing with just one birthday post, shoutout to my mom and dad even though I was a shitass. And shout out to myself for picking up the pieces and doing my best with what I’ve been dealt.
IN YOUR OPINION, WHAT IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING FOR A SURVIVOR TO HEAR?
People can abuse you no matter their age.
