Rachel’s Story

Freedom Date: April 21, 2018

HOW DID YOU FIRST MEET YOUR ABUSIVE EX-PARTNER? WHAT ATTRACTED YOU IN THE BEGINNING?  

I first noticed him at the homecoming football game of my sophomore year. 

He was older, reckless, and handsome. His eyes held a mystery that intrigued me, but I would soon come to fear.

WHEN DID THE ABUSE BEGIN AND WHAT KIND OF ABUSE DID YOU EXPERIENCE? HOW DID IT DEVELOP OVER TIME?

The humiliation began as soon as we got our own place together. It started out as name-calling (he would call me a whore and other horrible names), manipulation tactics (he’d ask my female friends to sit on his lap and then he would smile at me), and physical acts of bullying (dumping old beer cans over my head). If I hadn't completed the expected house chores by the time he got home from work, he would throw dirty laundry at me. 

The bruises soon followed.

WHAT WAS THE TIPPING POINT FOR YOU? WHEN DID YOU DECIDE THAT YOU NEEDED TO BREAK OFF THE RELATIONSHIP?

I knew I had to end things when our 13-year-old daughter disclosed to me that she had been suffering sexual abuse and molestation at the hands of her father. I learned then that he wasn’t just my abuser; he was OUR ABUSER. But that was going to change. 

HOW WAS THE PROCESS OF LEAVING THE ABUSE FOR YOU? WAS THERE ANYTHING DIFFICULT OR CONFUSING ABOUT THIS PROCESS?

Leaving was the longest two years of my life! 

It was a never-ending cycle of Child Protective Services (CPS), lawyers, prosecutors, Victim Rights Advocates, Counselors, Supervised Visitation Therapists. It seemed like every week brought a new face into our messy and [what I considered] shameful situation. I just wanted to hide away from everything and everyone!

HOW DID YOUR FRIENDS, FAMILY, AND COMMUNITY RESPOND TO YOU LEAVING THE RELATIONSHIP? WAS THERE ANYTHING PARTICULARLY HELPFUL - OR DIFFICULT - IN THESE RESPONSES?

I was pleasantly surprised to find that once I spoke my truth, support came out of the woodwork!

I HAD NO IDEA WHAT I WAS DOING BUT WE RECEIVED HELP EVERY STEP OF THE WAY. 

Some trusted friends always provided an ear to vent to. Complete strangers believed me and rushed to my aid. We were even ‘adopted’ by a family who provided an abundant Christmas for us the first year after we left. 

All of the things he had convinced me would never happen, did!

HOW HAS YOUR JOURNEY TOWARDS HEALING DEVELOPED?

INVEST. 

INVEST YOUR TIME AND RESOURCES IN YOU. 

I wasn’t even aware how much harm my mental state suffered during the 15 years in an abusive relationship. It took extreme patience and tolerance to begin healing. 

I didn't know who I was, let alone what I wanted. So, I began to get to know myself and worked to change the things I didn't particularly like. I learned the secret that if you want to create lasting change, it is in your daily habits.

WHAT, IF ANYTHING, WOULD YOU LIKE TO TELL ADVOCATES ABOUT HELPING VICTIMS OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE? 

Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

HOW HAS SPEAK YOUR TRUTH TODAY AFFECTED YOUR JOURNEY OUT OF ABUSE AND TOWARDS HEALING?

It was a relief to know I wasn't alone.

ARE THERE ANY RESOURCES THAT WERE PARTICULARLY HELPFUL THROUGHOUT THE PROCESS? 

My supportive friends. 

IN YOUR OPINION, WHAT IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING FOR A SURVIVOR TO HEAR?

It’s not too late.