The process of leaving was extremely scary. So many unknowns and fear of what he will do.

But I called my best friend and told her “I am done.” She was wonderful! She helped me find a lawyer secretly and I started preparing for a couple of months before I physically left. This part is important – make a plan to safely leave!

The hardest part was still living in the house with him, pretending everything was fine, knowing I was about to leave and not knowing where I was going.

To be honest, I had no idea what a truly healthy relationship looked like, or if it existed. Yet after giving birth to my second son, I began to recognize how little my ex cared about me, and how little he was involved with our children.

It was then that I realized I needed to leave but wasn’t sure if I was overreacting given that a healthy relationship may only be a fantasy. So, I posted in the Speak Your Truth Facebook support group asking about healthy relationships. With the many responses from the members, I was overwhelmed with joy that a good, loving, healthy relationship doesn’t just exist, but was actually possible!

It was that moment that I started to investigate our finances, got into my email, talked to some other friends and family – I learned she was calling and texting them “on my behalf” as well. 

I didn’t know what I was going through was abuse. I went to my Commander who suggested I go see a Chaplain. The Chaplain is the first person who told me what I was experiencing was abusive, controlling behavior and it wasn’t healthy. For my military career, I knew I had to divorce her.

My gut, my instincts, told me this was an incredibly unhealthy situation after only a few months of living with her. Still, I had known her for almost two decades and she was a professional in the mental health field. Surely, she could be trusted to have my best interests in mind, right? 

She also had health issues and made sure I knew she needed me by using my genuine kindness and character against me to keep me attached.   

I had just moved to a more transgender friendly city to begin my transition. At the time, I only knew a couple of people and they convinced me to join them at their work party. It would be the first social gathering I attended as Michel (pronounced Michelle) and not Michael. I noticed him immediately. He was captivating and he lit up the room. I couldn’t help but watch him and was excited that he was watching me as well. After an hour or so of flirting from across the room, he finally approached me. He was even taller than he appeared, with a dark skin tone and deep voice. I was instantly drawn in as he spoke.

We met online and spent a lot of time chatting and getting to know each other. We learned that we were both missing things in our lives and felt we could offer them to each other in a relationship. It was his promises that I fell for. 

I was interviewing for a position at Target in 2009 and my ex-partner is the employee who first greeted me that day – he had a really inviting smile. After working together for a couple of months, I fell for his charming personality, and we started dating in January of 2010.

He was funny and made me laugh. He also made me feel special and beautiful.

Our neighbors and his family turned their backs on me and our kids. I struggle with this every day, even over a year later. I worked very hard to be a “good” daughter-in-law. I loved hosting holidays for his family in our home. 

I recommend lots of therapy with no self imposed time limit for healing. We all heal at our own pace… You deserve to feel heard and understood!

I eventually learned that if I just played along, life was easier and he was nicer for a time. So I became what he wanted…