The abuse began about 5-6 years of age with witnessing my alcoholic father, verbally and physically assault my mother in our home. I was the oldest of five children and witnessed it all.

One of the verbal incidents that I vividly recall is when my mother was preparing dinner like she did every night. We were all waiting for my father to come home from work, but for some reason he was quite late. The kids had already eaten, and my mother waited to have dinner with him. He didn’t call, he just showed up.

He came through the door in an obvious bad mood. Told us to go in the living room to watch television and he sat in the dining room. My mother reheated his dinner and brought it out to him. Out of nowhere he exploded and yelled at her. All my younger siblings started to cry. It was terrifying for them. He was so upset he threw the food across the room and broke the porcelain plate. She started to clean it up and he left the house – looking back I think he probably left because he knew it would escalate into a physical attack upon her. Several hours later, when he calmly returned, he asked my mother to fix him something to eat, and she did without any hesitation or discussion. Nothing was ever said to me about this incident, ever. Over the years these explosive episodes would continue, from time to time, much to our distress and terror.

Unfortunately, due to being a black man in a predominantly white community and her way of convincing others she was being abused by me, I spent most of my time doing what she wanted. Playing like we were in a relationship and having sex whenever she demanded it. I had stopped being attracted to her early on due to her behavior, but I had to make this work, or I couldn’t see my daughter. I was young, naïve, and had no idea about parental rights. It was because of this we had a second daughter.

What it became over the next few months is not what I thought it was going to be. She wanted me to be exclusive with her AND her boyfriend. As three people in a relationship. I never had any bisexual tendencies and didn’t know how to handle this proposition. She would say, “no pressure.” I took that as meaning I didn’t have to decide right away so maybe if I didn’t decide, the request would go away. We continued to hang out together (all three of us) and go to clubs, have cocktails, just have a good time. We’d spend the night in one apartment most nights, but one of us men always slept on the couch and the other was with her.

I’d wake up on the couch, or in her bed, and not remember what happened the night before, but she was sexy, fun, and she made me happy, so I didn’t think anything of it. Maybe I just couldn’t handle my liquor. This went on for months.

I learned that when we were drinking at home, they would put something in my cocktails to make me “looser”. So, I told her I wanted to stop drinking and she got angry with me. She said she couldn’t be with someone who didn’t enjoy drinking with her. So, I kept it up. I didn’t want to lose her. I thought I loved her.

Hola mi nombre es Kiani Sanchez y esta es mi historia.

Nacida en la ciudad de México y criada en la ciudad de Apizaco a la edad de 7 años se divorciaron mis padres y me fui a vivir con mi madre a Tijuana con la nueva pareja de mi madre y su familia.

A los pocos meses de estar viviendo en Tijuana un día regrese de la escuela y mi mamá se había regresado a Apizaco me dejó sola con su pareja y el aprovecho el momento para abusar de mí sexualmente. Fue uno de mis peores momentos en mi vida.

Cambie muchísimo, deje de reír, jugar y me aisle completamente tan solo tenía 8 años. Todo esto me hizo tener problemas alimenticios, empecé a comer muchísimo, a la edad de 18 años empecé a probar el alcohol y con ello empezó mi alcoholismo, durante 8 años pensé que era una forma de escapar de todo mi pasado y me di cuenta que estaba equivocada al momento de tener a mi hijo, quise darle una calidad de vida y darle lo mejor de mí, deje el alcohol pero mi depresión seguía latente a cada momento, cuando tuve a mi hija me dio depresión postpartum y fue cuando me vi en es espejo y vi que no me reconocía, me veía de color gris, ya no me sentía bonito, sino todo lo contrario, me sentía fea, me daba asco y me hablaba muy feo en el espejo.

It was weird at first. He made me feel like I was the most amazing person in the world! He would surprise me all the time in so many ways.

Then one day we were arguing about something silly, he then slammed a dish he was washing and started yelling at me and started slamming cabinets. I got scared and started crying, so he would switch his mood and cried an apologize to me for his actions.

Little did I know that was the beginning of a lot of psychological, emotional, and physical abuse.

Since the beginning it felt I didn't have an option other than be with him, even moving in with him felt forced but I was so numb that I didn't care, I remember trying to escape or move out, even since week 1 from there, always something felt wrong…

Even after four years, I still have flashbacks occasionally. I'm not sure it's something that will ever completely go away, unfortunately.

Sometimes I also assume the worst in people. After years of being lied to and manipulated, it's just something that unconsciously happens.

I think a huge part of my healing has come from spending a year as a single woman and learning to love myself again. Another huge part in my healing is attributed to my now husband, Jared. In the last three years he has taught me what love and a healthy relationship looks like. Love can happen once you’re free and he has shown me time and time again, that I am worthy of love.

Looking back, it started very early on; he'd talk over me, ignore my concerns, get jealous easily, etc. But having our daughter was the real trigger. He began acting erratic, accusing me of constant cheating, trying to control what I did, purposely doing the opposite of what was best for her care. I was working a job and building a business, and every day was a constant psychological battle. It never got physical, but when he called me a "bitch"while holding my 18 month old daughter for asking for his help just physically being in the room to keep an eye on her when I was trying to get ready for friends to come over, I knew something had to change.

I think the main thing is knowing that victims in most situations first and foremost initially just need to know they are seen, believed, and supported. In most cases, we’ve been made to believe that we are the problem and or “crazy”.

It’s not always easy to share our story especially when we know our lives and children’s lives are at risk.

One safe person and safe place can change the whole outcome and success to freedom. 💜

My healing has been up and down.

Unfortunately, I have children with my abuser which has caused significant delays and disruptions in my healing because he is still allowed to contact me and uses the children and courts to continue to abuse me.

I finally left the full situation. Meaning I had to leave the state and my children behind and become non-custodial parent so I could finally take control of my healing and no longer be affected by my abuser.

I have already felt some relief in the five months I have been gone, but it came with a huge loss. I honestly don't know how it is going to affect things in the long run.

It is important to remember to take care of yourself and put yourself first. Healing is different for everyone so listen to what your soul needs and follow that route. The important people will be there for you no matter what.

Looking back, I am not sure what attracted me to him in the beginning. Maybe our shared loneliness led us to each other. Maybe it was how easy it was to talk to him or how comfortable it was to be myself with him. I could be goofy, or sad, or angry and he always listened. We told each other stories we never told anyone else. We had inside jokes with each other and shared doodles with one another. He encouraged me to do my best. But he was also very possessive. I thought it was endearing at the time, but looking back, it was another red flag.

Remember it is a journey. Try to move forward in any way you can. Even for a minute or an hour, it all counts.

Stop looking back and wishing you had done things differently. Nothing you could have done would have changed anything. None of this was your fault, so don't beat yourself up so much.

Make a list of good things in your life - write them down. Nothing is too small to include on the list. Put the list in the bathroom so you can see it every morning.

My advice to other survivors is to reach out and accept the support that you need. There is no shame in getting help, EVERYONE needs help at times. 

Remember it takes time, for me it has taken many years. Now I am on the other side and want to show others there is no reason to be afraid or ashamed. WE are not the ones who did something wrong!

You are worthy, you are loved, you deserve this help. And remember one day, your story will help others to leave too...

I really wish I had believed, or known, it would have been as smooth as it was to leave, or I would have been able to leave sooner.

The courts granted me and my son a restraining order against him. They awarded me full and sole custody with no visitations allowed.

I reached out to the California Victims of Crime Program and the provided me with free therapy and relocation money. I had emotional support from family and friends.

It took me some time to realize and accept he was not going to change and that in fact I was a victim of Domestic Violence.

Around three months into the relationship we decided to move in together. I was so happy.

This should have been that magical time full of love, joy, and not being able to get enough of each other! Instead, about two months after we started living together the emotional abuse began but didn’t stop there.

One of the scariest parts of being in an abusive relationship is never knowing what will set off your abuser’s anger – walking on eggshells out of safety. This was my norm. My every day.

The abuse eventually progressed to where he would throw things at me or pin me down so he could get in my face. Again, it didn’t stop there.

Towards the end of our relationship, after he realized that I started to see through him, the control and abuse got worse. He would decide when and what I could eat. He threatened to kill my dog if I decided to leave. He even threatened me with suicide. It was all very confusing and scary, which made leaving seem like an impossible task.

Never give up. YOU are worth more. YOU are amazing.

Tell them to never give up and stand strong. Times will be hard, but it is worth being safe. We have support systems and groups out there to help us. Healing takes time but is possible.

The humiliation began as soon as we got our own place together. It started out as name-calling (he would call me a whore and other horrible names), manipulation tactics (he’d ask my female friends to sit on his lap and then he would smile at me), and physical acts of bullying (dumping old beer cans over my head). If I hadn't completed the expected house chores by the time he got home from work, he would throw dirty laundry at me.

The bruises soon followed.

Thank you. Thank you for showing up and educating people on what is not normal. I think it’s important for victims to understand that abuse happens regardless of the age of perpetrator. My abuser was the same age as me and as an adolescent I didn’t fully grasp that I could be abused by someone my own age, I thought abuse was something that only adults were capable of.

Abuse was very slow. It started while we were getting to know each other. It was throwing an object here. An outburst there. Several requests to reduce the amount of time I was talking to family members. Violent and manipulative behaviors that are often overlooked in a person, excused away for many reasons, things we should never do and encourage others to stop doing.

The physical abuse didn’t present itself until after we committed to being in a relationship.

Once he was served with divorce papers, he became more abusive. He lived in the house with us for two months after being served until his abuse became so intolerant that I got an order of protection.

He started manipulating our kids to be against me while at the house, and this manipulation of our kids not only continued, but escalated to the point where he convinced them to become abusive towards me as well.